Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Crystal Bowersox

American Idol Finale: So, What Did You Think?

photo of american idols lee dewyze crystal bowersox and ryan seacrest on stage

I thought last night’s show was all sorts of giddy, clappin’-hands amazing. From Siobhan Magnus performing with the Bee Gees, to fucking Bret Michaels appearing to sing “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” with Casey James to Joe Cocker’s “With a Little Help From My Friends.” And yes, I am so excited about these three performances (among many, many others), that I’m going to share them with you. Like, right here. Now.

Yeah, that was awesome. I mean, aside from the whole Siobhan Magnus part, anyway. While she’s undoubtedly talented, I’m far too distracted by the crazy-eyes thing that she’s got going on to concentrate on her killer pipes. Oh, that and the fact that I couldn’t tell who was who singing in the beginning — Aaron Kelly or Siobhan. They sound so … alike.

And then there was this. I always had a huge fondness for this Joe Cocker song and I think a lot of it had to do with watching the Wonder Years when I was growing up. You know how most people had a super-crush on Winnie Cooper or Kevin Arnold? Yeah. My ten year-old self totally wanted a serious piece of Paul Pfeiffer preppy ass. Laugh if you will, but I’m big enough to finally admit it now.

And then this. I didn’t even know I loved Bret Michaels as much as I did until I saw him enter the stage to play with Casey James. Really. Don’t even know the dude, but I was so pleased and happy for him and proud of him, in light of his recent health issues, that I almost fell off the couch. I was all like, “Is that Bret Michaels? No … it’s gotta be some kind of super-imposed image on a green screen or a hologram or something, right? Fuck … it is Bret Michaels! And I thought he was on his deathbed!!” Way to go, Bret. Honestly. Way to go, man.

And by far, my favorite moment of the night? Uh, finding out that they’re holding auditions over the next few weeks in New Orleans. Mind-blower. Not that I live even remotely close; [let's play a guessing game -- "Where Does Sarah Live?" -- I'll give you a hint] I’m precisely 1213.41 miles northeast of New Orleans, Louisiana. And yes, I’m assuming that there are going to be auditions a bit closer to where I live, but if you know me at all, you know of the bond that I have with New Orleans.

New Orleans and I are kind of obsessed with each other (I’m obvious about it, me, but he’s a little more reserved than I am, to say the least). The city’s like that boyfriend that looooves our sex, but just doesn’t want to be seen in public with me — so naturally, I’m at his beck and call. He never comes to visit me, so I have to come running every time he calls on a whim, or when I feel the compulsion to see him. For me, American Idol auditions and the city of New Orleans go better together than cold spaghetti and a glass of milk.

And so … guess who’s gonna be visiting that hot-assed boyfriend in just a few short weeks? That’d be me. And damn. Looks like things are getting serious; this is the second time I’ve seen him in three months.  Who knows — maybe we’ll end up moving in together.

So, what was your favorite Idol moment last night? Did you watch? Did you love it? Did you even care?

Oh, yeah, duh. And if you didn’t watch, Lee won last night. Called it, bitches.

American Idol Recap: Who’s Gonna Win This Thing Tonight?

photo of american idols lee dewyze and crystal bowersox

So, is anyone still watching American Idol anymore? I know we haven’t covered it practically at all this year. It seems like the thrill is gone, and you can thank B.B. King for that. Uh, indirectly, I guess.

Anyway, like I said in a previous post, I’m not a huge fan of either Crystal or Lee, but if I had to choose, it’d totally be Lee. Unfortunately, after last night, I think Crystal (just based on last night’s performances) kind of has it in the bag. She came across as determined and win-this-thing-if-it-kills me, while Lee seemed to roll back into his meek and mild nature that was appealing to begin with, but not so beneficial, ’cause he allows his nerves to get the best of him when it happens like that.

Here’s Crystal performing “Up To the Mountain” on last night’s show:

And here’s Lee performing, what I thought his best song of the night was, “A Beautiful Day”:

So. Based on performances alone, what do you think is going to happen tonight? Are we going to be subjected to “Mama Sox mania” (honestly, the moniker “Mama Sox” really kind of gags me), or will Lee take what many feel is his rightful place in claiming the American Idol 2010 title? Will you be watching tonight?

You Know, I Haven’t Talked Nearly Enough About American Idol This Year

simon cowell and his girlfriend at a party

Though John Travolta (56) and wife, Kelly Preston (47) are having a baby at their ripe old ages, American Idol judge Simon Cowell puts the kibosh to any possible rumors that he’d have children now, or ever. Cowell states that he’s far too old to consider being a papa — he’s 50 — and discusses the decision with Oprah:

“I… you know, I worry about that because of my age. You know, when I was younger, my dad used to play soccer and, you know, games with me and I worry – I worry that if I was 70. it worries me a bit.”

Simon, dude, I think you need to go have a talk with Rod Stewart — yes, the same preternaturally-preserved Rod Stewart that’s still bumping and grinding out kids. You seem like you’d be a super dad and I think you’re just setting yourself up for disappointment. Life happens, man. Don’t rule these things out so fast!

And on a related note, I watched American Idol last night. Normally, I’m a hardcore, die-hard fan, but this year kind of put me off. I was a big Didi Benami fan and once she was voted off, I kind of lost interest. Crystal Bowersox, man, I’ve never been a fan. Never. I think she’s a pretentious little snot that has no room to act so. Ever since Didi got the boot, I’ve been gunning big-time for Lee DeWyze, and not even because I “loooove” him, like many others do — it’s merely because I think he has the biggest chance of knocking the sparse remainder of Crystal’s teeth out Crystal out of the competition indefinitely and claiming the Idol crown for himself.

The show wasn’t bad, I guess. I wasn’t really digging Justin Bieber and gagged a bit when I saw that other greasy, grinding, dancing dude, Travis Garland, who was supposedly hand-picked for fame by hamfaced Perez Hilton (Hilton was said to get him the Idol gig). I might be a little bit older than Garland’s, uh, “target” audience, but man … it was fucking brutal.

I don’t know. I just wasn’t really all that impressed or blown away by anybody this season. It’s probably the reason that my viewing has become sporadic and disengaged — normally I’d know all of the back stories on the contestants by now and all the gossip about them, like, you know, Crystal playing craps with her teeth or Aaron Kelly brushing Casey James’ shiny blonde hair between rehearsals, but I really didn’t care all that much to delve too deeply this year.

But, whatevs. I’m hoping that Lee wins this year … but I’m not sure the Idol Curse is going to allow it. See, since the show started, like, forty years ago, every year the winner has been of a different gender — Kelly Clarkson was the first and it was boy-girl-boy-girl each year after. If the show is rigged history really does repeat itself, Crystal Bowersox will be this year’s American Idol. Ugh.

Yeah, and I’m totally trying out this year … So keep an eye out for me, bitches, and keep it peeled!

Ryan Seacrest Talks Crystal Bowersox Down

Guess our boho-tressed girlfriend had a little meltdown earlier in the month after a live taping of American Idol. After claiming that she “hated” the “attention” of the show because she couldn’t handle it (oh, come on), she admitted to Ryan and other individuals that she was throwing in the towel on the entire competition and had decided to head home to her family in Ohio. The ordeal was said to go down in an “empty lot” behind the studios one night after an episode wrapped.

Seacrest, who was apparently there, made no bones about his thoughts toward her winning this year’s entire competition; eyewitnesses claim that Seacrest told Crystal that if she won the competition, she’s receive a recording contract and reap all the benefits of being a millionaire. Seacrest went on to play the sympathy card by saying, “The greatest thing I ever did was make enough money so I could buy my mom a house. You can buy your mom a house.”

Damn, the drama. I mean, hissy fits in empty parking lots? Holy, crazy tension.  I can just imagine: the other Idol contestants, circling like vultures, leering and pulling faces while snapping the intro to “Jets and Sharks.” A spotlight emerges from a hidden alcove on the building’s exterior, illuminating the silhouettes of Bowersox and Seacrest so that they appear to be radiant beings of golden light — a fight to the finish.

Melodrama’s so thick you can almost chew it.