2Christina Aguilera Didn’t Say That Thing We Thought She Said

Remember yesterday when Christina said this awesome thing?

“I told them during this Lotus recording, ‘You are working with a fat girl. Know it now and get over it.’ They need a reminder sometimes that I don’t belong to them. It’s my body. My body can’t put anyone in jeopardy of not making money anymore-my body is just not on the table that way anymore.”

Yeah, it turns out that she never actually said that. This news comes from Christina’s rep, who, on the topic of Christina’s “fat girl” quotes, said “she never said them.” But here’s what she did say:

“Actually, the challenge I’ve always had is being too thin, so I love that now I have a booty, and obviously I love showing my cleavage.”

Which, you know, is a little different. Sorry!

October 2, 2012 at 7:30 am by Emily

13Christina Aguilera: Officially Awesome

Well, not her new hair, that’s not awesome. Look at that mess. And not her new music, either. Ok, so really, the only reason that I’m officially declaring Christina Aguilera‘s awesomeness is because of this one thing she said in this interview she did with Billboard.

Here’s the quote, via Celebitchy:

“I told them during this Lotus recording, ‘You are working with a fat girl. Know it now and get over it.’ They need a reminder sometimes that I don’t belong to them. It’s my body. My body can’t put anyone in jeopardy of not making money anymore-my body is just not on the table that way anymore.”

YES.  GIRL.  YES.

I love this. I love it so hard. I am so, so proud of Christina for being a lady in Hollywood and being brave enough to say “it’s my body.” I am so proud of her for taking the word “fat” for what it is: an adjective, not an insult. I am so amazingly happy that a woman as famous as Christina Aguilera is making statements like these. You guys, I’m just seriously, seriously happy about this.

I just think it’s so important that Christina Aguilera is saying things like this, because if she says it, then maybe people will actually hear it. Her body is her body, and she can do whatever she wants with it. She doesn’t owe anyone anything when it comes to her body. She doesn’t owe it to you to be thin. She’s not hurting you in any way, shape, or form by gaining weight. To quote Christina herself, “know it now and get over it.”

And I’ll let my good friends Salt-n-Pepa really drive the point home:

October 1, 2012 at 6:30 am by Emily

8And Here’s Christina Aguilera’s New Music Video, Too

You might have already seen a little piece of this monstrosity – I showed you a teaser last week – but man, what a weird video, right? Like, I don’t even know what to do with this. What am I supposed to do with this? What is Christina Aguilera trying to tell me? Is this a cry for help? Do I need to help Christina Aguilera?

And it’s not even that the chorus of her new song is “all I want to do is f-ck your body.” Well, ok, it’s a little bit of that. She’s a 31-year-old woman with a four-year-old son, and she has a voice to die for, I think she can step it up a little bit. It’s just … what’s with all that blue paint in that bathroom? Is that what she thinks semen looks like? And why did she beat the guy with a baseball bat? Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed that there was pink glitter instead of blood, but it’s just not that great a sign. And don’t get me started on the I Love Lucy bit at the end. No, please, don’t get me started on it, because I have no idea what it’s supposed to mean. It’s like Christina drank a bottle of Grey Goose and vomited up a concept, and it’s just awful.

But what did you think?

September 28, 2012 at 11:30 am by Emily

6Uh, Christina Aguilera Released A Teaser for Her New Music Video

Because, please remember, all Christina Aguilera wants to do is f-ck your body. That’s Christina Aguilera who, at some point, decided to become a poor man’s Snooki, which is really something to think about. How do you guys think Christina’s new album is going to go over?

But as long we we’re here, why don’t we just go ahead and review all things Christina Aguilera? There’s been a few things this girl has gotten into this week, and it’s high time we discuss them.

First of all, she’s still picking really unflattering clothes:

Secondly, Lady Gaga tweeted Christina last week to say “just bought your new single. Seems the old Christina I loved has returned. Congratulations!” She’s since deleted it, I guess because it’s super insulting to have musical preferences.

Thirdly, lastly, and most importantly, Christina Aguilera won’t be on the next season of The Voice. The third season just started airing, and she’s definitely there, but she and Cee Lo want to take a break to get back to their own music. They’ll come back for the fifth season, but in the meantime, their seats will be taken by Shakira and Usher. I have no idea how that’s going to go over, but I’m excited to how those awful songs all the judges do together will work with Shakira’s hip-swiveling.

I’m excited, you guys! I really think that we’re all going to look back at 2012 as the year that Christina came back. Except not at all, not even a little bit.

September 18, 2012 at 3:30 pm by Emily

10Christina Aguilera Is Releasing New, Ridiculous Music

Ha ha, but really. That photo right there, in case you couldn’t tell, is the cover of Christina‘s first single from the album, titled “Your Body.” And it’s bad. It’s really, really bad.

I don’t know why I always expect more from Christina Aguilera, but I really do. Maybe it’s because I really liked her when she released her first album, back when I loved shitty music just because it was popular, or maybe it’s because unlike so many other pop acts, she’s actually really talented. I don’t know, but I do know that this new song that I just showed you, this “Your Body” nonsense? Yeah, that’s just the radio edit. There’s a special unedited version that will appear on the actual album.

It’s called “F-ck Your Body.” No, for real. In that song you listened to just now, the part where she goes “all I want to do is love your body?” The real version goes “all I want to do is f-ck your body.” That’s the kind of music Christina Aguilera is doing these days. Some more lyrics, if you couldn’t hear them through that awful beat, are “it’s true what you’ve heard, I am a freak, I’m disturbed.” Oh, and, don’t forget, “all I want to do is f-ck your body.” Honestly.

If you need a palate cleanser after all that, I’ve got a great one: I have a new kitty!

His name is JoBangles, and someone dumped him in the middle of the road in a storage bin. And here’s how my older kitty feels about it:

But sure, Christina, keep on singing about f-cking bodies. You have my undivided attention.

September 15, 2012 at 10:00 am by Emily

13Love It or Leave It: Christina Aguilera’s Purple Hair

For the past twenty minutes or so, I’ve been trying to come up with a nice way of saying that Christina Aguilera looks like the offspring of Miss Piggy and Snooki, but it’s just not coming to me. I thought of being like “no, see a lot of people think that Christina resembles Snooki sometimes,” but that didn’t feel right. Then I remembered that a couple of weeks ago I said that Christina looks like Miss Piggy, and I made extra sure to say that I wasn’t trying to be catty (because I really wasn’t), but, you know, I don’t want to repeat myself. I just can’t come up with it, guys. I can’t think of a single way to speculate that Snooki is secretly some time travelling alien scientist who took a break from her social experiment on earth to impregnate herself with the DNA of a Muppet while still being nice. And on top of that, I can’t say that I sincerely believe that Snooki is somehow currently pregnant with Christina Aguilera without sounding crazy.

Do you guys have any suggestions?

August 15, 2012 at 5:30 am by Emily