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Chris Brown

5Blind Leading the Blind: Chris Brown Thinks Justin Bieber Is Like “Baby Elvis”, Is Praying For Him

justin bieber chris brown

LOLOLOL. Let’s all just digest this for a moment. Human shit stain Chris Brown – himself violent, homophobic and just generally a total smacked ass – is “praying” for Justin Bieber after hearing about the younger singer’s recent trouble/meltdown/whatever the hell it is he’s going through.

From Power 105.1 FM’s Breakfast Club:

“It’s a case of how I feel. Being young, having a limitless amount of income to do whatever you want. You have nobody who’s going to say, ‘Hey bro, you look whack right now.’

I feel like the mainstream media… they’re going to target the little black boys around him and say this is why he’s doing it. I’m damn sure glad I’m not around! I pray for him, I pray for myself. I think we’re both great artists… he’s like a baby Elvis.”

Okay, WHAT? There are so many things I have questions on here.

1. Why the hell wouldn’t someone tell you that you look “whack” for acting like a total dipshit? Maybe not the people who you employ, since they’d probably be afraid of, you know, not having an income, but how about your friends or family or something? Christ, that’s dim.

2. I’m glad at least that Chris could admit that he prays for himself, as well, but how is he not an atheist yet considering those prayers have clearly gone unanswered and they’re both still complete assholes?

3. BABY ELVIS???? Cover your ears, Mr. Presley, or you’ll be rolling in your grave. The day Justin Bieber is anything like Elvis Presley is the day I fling myself off the nearest bridge.

Just shut up. Everyone shut up! Justin probably wouldn’t think the Elvis comparison is too off the mark, though, considering he recently compared himself to Jay-Z in an interview with Teen Vogue:

“I don’t need to address every speculation. Remember when Cam’ron dissed Jay-Z? Jay-Z didn’t even respond. Why didn’t he respond? Because he’s Jay-Z.”

LOL F-ck off, kid.

April 3, 2013 at 11:30 am by Jennifer

1Chris Brown Is Calling Drake Gay Now, I Guess

Chris Brown

I’d rather be gay than, well, most things – but definitely rather than being a total woman-beating shit stain, but apparently Chris Brown disagrees. Still mad that Drake got down Rihanna‘s pants ages ago, he decided to lash out at him in a remix of Young Jeezy’s ‘R.I.P’ – because the best way to prove you’re totally secure in your own manhood and not at all jealous that your girlfriend went elsewhere is to call that same dude – who also beat your ass once already -  gay. Of course.

Here’s some of Brown’s choice lyrics, which are not only poignant, but also deeply poetic:

“Dearly departed, I bought a plane I departed/ And if you started from the bottom, go on and come out the closet”

Well, okay. Considering that Drake is pretty shamelessly emo as hell, I doubt he’d have any problems coming out of the closet, if said closet existed – especially since fellow artists like Frank Ocean and Lil B have already set the precedent of acceptance in the hip hop community. Also, shut the fuck up, Chris. Seriously, just lock your lips up and throw away the key for good.

Feel free to listen to this utter garbage below (thanks, DramaLikeTheDJ):

April 1, 2013 at 12:30 pm by Jennifer
Filed Under: Chris Brown, Drake, Rihanna

16Love The Way You Lie: Chris Brown Claims That He And Rihanna Are Not Together

chris brown crotch grab

Chris Brown and Rihanna are going to frustrate everyone with their relationship until they break up for good. And for one shining, glimmering moment of hope, it seemed that maybe they were done.

Chris “I Will Fight You Over Ten Dollars” Brown gave an interview with radio station Power 106. DJ Big Boy asked Brown,

All righty now, Chris, man. You and Rihanna, are y’all back together?

To which “Chris, Man” replied,

No. And that’s just [a] quick answer.

What? So you went from

1. Being photographed everywhere together, including The Grammy’s to

2.  Rihanna saying one month ago that,

It’s different now. We don’t have those types of arguments any more. We talk about [stuff]. We value each other…For a long time he was really angry… there’s so many reasons why I ever reconsidered having him in my life…He’s giving and loving. And he’s fun to be around. That’s what I love about him — he always makes me laugh…Hell yeah [I want babies], but I wish I could order them.

3. To supposedly planning a carnival wedding to

“No”?

I call bullshit. I mean, come on, was is even a question that they were back together? Idolater is also calling bullshit. They pointed out that after his answer,

Brown talked about flying out to see RiRi on tour and smiled coyly when asked about taking Twitpics with her. Not to mention Brown spoke to Ryan Seacrest earlier this week about how he and RiRi “try to keep it fun” and avoid stuffy,date-y things like candlelit dinners.

Here’s my favorite part of the interview. Brown actually says,

I’m not going to put myself in a situation where I could mess up my career.

Are you f-cking kidding me? Then why the hell did you do this? And refuse to give Frank Ocean a standing ovation? And get in a fight with Drake?

But Big Boy nodded his head in solemn agreement and gave him a thumbs-up.

Brown went on,

At the end of the day, it’s the choices I make, and me having to not put myself in [those] situations. It’s a learning process.

Big Boy said,

I heard that…we all went through it, you know?

We “all went through it”? What the hell does that mean? We “all” went through assault and battery? What exactly is Chris Brown going through that anyone can relate to?

Chris, you can smooth talk all you want, and speak eloquently and sound thoughtful and remorseful in interviews, but your actions speak so much louder than your words. Screw this DJ, screw Adele, screw Elton John, screw anyone who is buying into to his act.

March 29, 2013 at 4:30 pm by Catherine St. Ives
Filed Under: Chris Brown, Rihanna

3Chris Brown Hit Rihanna Because He Had the World In His Hands, Will Try to Be More Humble In Future

chris brown rihanna

Chris Brown assaulted Rihanna four years ago but he’s finally ready to “show some remorse” for beating the shit out of the woman he supposedly loves. I use quotes because this asshole isn’t sorry at all, he’s just finally decided that it’s not worth throwing chairs through the windows at Good Morning America and ripping his shirt off like The Incredible Hulk when he’s asked about it. Instead, he’ll just pretend he’s a really evolved human being who made a one time mistake, even though he’s proven himself as an utter sack of shit on numerous occasions since.

His most recent gem, during a conversation with Ryan Seacrest on his KIIS-FM radio show this week, includes blaming his penchant for domestic violence on the fact that he wasn’t quite humble enough and thought he had the world in his hands at the time. I mean, if he was just less arrogant, he never would have bashed Rihanna’s head repeatedly against that car window when she found out he was probably f-cking somebody else. Makes total sense!

“I just tried my best to be the best man I could be over the years and just show her how remorseful and sorry I was for the incident and that time was probably the worst part of my life and being that she has and she’s a wonderful person I’m eternally grateful and thankful. People are entitled to their opinions. I can’t go around blaming. It’s all about my responsibility and me growing up as a man. “

Hey, that’s funny. I can go around blaming, and I blame you, Chris Brown, for being an aggressive, homophobic, woman-beating piece of shit. See how easy that was? But wait, that’s not the best part!

“So I think now that I’m becoming older, and trying to mature in this life under the public eye at all times, I have to focus on doing the right thing and being more of a humble individual.

I think for me that at age 18, 19, I was capable of writing and producing songs, so I’m also capable of making the right choices. Being at that young age, I can tell you I was arrogant and definitely hotheaded. Everybody has a temper, but for me it was not knowing how to control it when I thought I had the world in my hands.”

Way to go on about total fucking nonsense while still manage to compliment yourself on this incredible talent you think you have. That’s the epitome of humility, Chris – way to grasp the concept! Can’t we find an empty island to throw him and Justin Bieber on so we never have to see or hear from them again?

March 27, 2013 at 9:30 am by Jennifer
Filed Under: Chris Brown, Rihanna

4LOL: Rihanna Supposedly Cheating on Chris Brown… with Dane Cook?!

rihanna dane cook

I just sort of want to let this story speak for itself because I guarantee you it’s the most ridiculous thing you’ll hear today – or probably all week. The National Enquirer – ambassador of completely true and reliable journalism – reports that Rihanna is cheating on future husband Chris Brown in order to show him that she’s still got it and could have any man she wants. The person she’s cheating with? Wait for it… wait for it… Dane Cook.

I wonder what goes on at the National Enquirer offices. Do they all write down the most ridiculous celeb that comes to mind on a tiny slip of paper and then randomly draw the subject of their stories out of a hat? First it was Justin Bieber she was laying it on, now Dane Cook? Sure, he rivals Chris in the douchebag department, but who even cares about him at all? Like, I seriously forgot he existed.

Anyhoo…

A source said to the magazine: “[They] have been pals for years, but their friendship has heated up in recent months because Rihanna wants to show Chris that she’s still a hot commodity.

“They flirt like crazy, and Dane regularly sends Rihanna flowers and gushy emails.

“Rihanna’s friends all think they’re carrying on a romance, but she’s very secretive about it. She wants to keep everyone guessing, including Chris.”

Something in the weed ain’t fresh, though, because surprisingly, Rihanna’s reps thought this was even worth responding to and have cleared things up with GossipCop, saying that the story is “completely untrue”. Yeah, no shit, Sherlock.

March 22, 2013 at 10:30 am by Jennifer

4Rihanna and Chris Brown Are Planning a Carnival Wedding, Complete With Bikinis

rihanna carnival photo

Rihanna smoked away all the sense God gave her, and he never gave Chris Brown any at all, so it’s no surprised the poster couple for “RELATIONSHIPS YOU NEVER WANT YOUR KIDS TO GET INTO” apparently want to get married on the beach in Barbados, with Rihanna wearing a bikini instead of a wedding dress. Isn’t that special?

From Now:

A source close to the singer, 25, reveals: ‘This is her “F-ck you!” to the world.’

Unsurprisingly, the couple are planning to break with tradition at their wedding, which is likely to happen on a beach near the Sandy Lane resort.

‘Rihanna doesn’t want a big dress or boring old confetti,’ says our insider.

‘She wants to get married in her bikini and have a carnival atmosphere.

‘They want it to be relaxed and fun, like a “playground”, and to celebrate with the people who have stood by them.’

The way I see it, the only person getting f-cked here is Rihanna, because she has to spend her life with a disgusting, angry, homophobic woman beater and I can go about my days without… all that. Second of all, I’m all for eschewing tradition, but I’ve seen pictures of Rihanna at Carnival, and if that’s the vibe she’s going for, it’s going to be one classy affair. Hey, at least they’re going to get married before they start their family.

Below, some photos of Rihanna at Carnival in 2011, in case you wanted a sneak peak at the nuptials.

March 19, 2013 at 11:30 am by Jennifer
Filed Under: Chris Brown, Rihanna