After completing her stint on Celebrity Rehab (which is essentially a joke), Rachel Uchitel has decided to take her treatment for drinking, smoking and pill poppin’ a bit more seriously. Tiger Woods and David Boreanaz’s former mistress is using her hush money to get straight and those fancy rehab centers built for celeb types? Far from cheap.

Rachel is spending over 20 grand to house herself and her dogs in a Malibu rehab for 30 days. Sounds more like an extended vacation (and for that amount, why not go somewhere more tropical), but if her sobriety sticks, I’ll be rooting for her. Granted, I totally think this woman is a scab on humanity, but I do really respect her using this time and money to rid herself of her demons. That shows potential.

Well, Celebrity Rehab was nearly canceled, brought back to life, canceled again and now that shit is LEGIT resurrected. Not only have they managed to put together a list of celebs that I’m dying to watch get rehabbed, but I have a pretty good feeling that they’ll all be able to bring the drama.

Joining the cast is Jason Wahler from Laguna Beach and The Hills, Janice Dickinson, Jeremy London (OMFG, SO GOOD), Rachel Uchitel (one of Tiger’s hos), Leif Garrett, and singer Keisha Cole’s mother (that’s a stretch of the word “celebrity” if I’ve ever heard one, but I’ll take it!)

What do I anticipate? I see Rachel screwing everyone on the cast, Jason getting into a physical altercation with either Leif or Jeremy, Jeremy acting like a complete weirdo the whole time, and Janice and Keisha Cole’s mom? Oh, those two are going to be BFF. I’m calling it now.

Thank God for people who never give up! To think that we almost missed out on all this goodness.

OK, I don’t want to joke about herpes because I actually think that it’s WAY more common than anyone believes it to be, and while it would for sure be sucky if you got it, it’s not exactly a life-ruiner. Still, producers of shows like Jersey Shore and Celebrity Rehab are saying that keeping their stars from getting STDs is one of their main concerns on set.

From the NY Post:

Reality shows such as “Celebrity Rehab” and “Jersey Shore” are so worried about sexually transmitted diseases, they pass out medication “like M&Ms” to cast members, say the shows’ producers.

In a round-table discussion of reality show execs published yesterday in The Hollywood Reporter, SallyAnn Salsano, creator of “Jersey Shore,” says STDs are a constant concern.

“I do a full medical [for cast members] but I also do a lot of STD stuff,” she says.

“The network [VH1] requires me to do stuff with my patients that has no relevance to anything,” Dr. Drew Pinsky, the host of “Celebrity Rehab,” says.

“Like everyone on the set has to take [herpes medication] Valtrex,” he said.

“We hand it out like M&Ms!” Salsano said. ” ‘Hey kids, it’s time for Valtrex!’ It’s like a herpes nest. They’re all in there mixing it up.”

Hey! Better safe than sorry, I guess. I think it’s more than sad that reality TV show producers are more concerned about the sexual health of their stars than the stars themselves, but at least someone they associate is aware of how rampant herpes is.

Tila Tequila has agreed to appear on the new season of Celebrity Rehab (which probably wouldn’t even be happening without her) and has taken it upon herself to explain her drug use and decision to go to rehab on her blog. The lengthy letter reads like a crack diary and Tila spends most of it talking about how she doesn’t want to be “another Lindsay Lohan”. Right, bitch. At least Lohan has a legitimate career behind her. Aren’t you that chick from MySpace?

From Tila’s blog:

Hey everyone!

I just wanted to let all of you know that I love my TIla Army Very much, and I was in denial for a long time but it takes a brave and strong woman to not only admit to herself that she has a problem, but also let the whole world know about it. It almost feels like I’m stripped down totally naked and standing in front of a million people. With that said, I KNOW I am an EXTREMELY smart girl, and to run all these empires when I am not even 30 yet, is quite an accomplishment, however I finally admitted to myself that I cannot rely on taking prescription pills everyday for the rest of my life! I didn’t spend my heart and soul into building this extremely successful website, invest every last ounce of money into it, and believe me, a site like this plus staff is EXTREMELY EXPENSIVE! I also have My new Record Label and getting all the contracts done to also start up my own management firm, but in order to do all of that, I MUST not be another “LINDSAY LOHAN” where I just flush everything I worked so hard for down the toilet for nothing….

NO WAY! So although this is not something I am very proud to admit, but at least I am strong enough to get help because I DO WANT A BRIGHTER FUTURE FOR MYSELF AND SUCCEED IN EVERYTHING I SET MY MIND ON!

So all you haters, who keeps saying mean shit, hiding behing your laptop and talking shit about me, not because you actually care, but you’re just being a cyber bully! So now that I’m actually getting help, and that takaes a lot of courage, and I know my TILA ARMY will support me through this journey and continue to support me….. but what will you haters do now? I’m finally getting help, shouldn’t you people support those who can finally admit that they have a problem? NOPE! So haters, just shut you’re mouths. SAY IT TO ME IN PERSON AND IT’S A DIFFERENT STORY!! But for now, all you loser haters can sit and hide behind your computer on your fat lazy asses not doing anything with you’re life besides stalking me and bashing my fans. Haters, if I CAN ADMIT THAT I NEED HELP, MAYBE IT’S TIME FOR YOU TOO, ADMITTING THAT YOU NEED HELP FOR CYBERBULLYING PEOPLE AND STALKING THEM 247!

With that said our OMG sources found out that if I do well on “CELEBRITY REHAB” and continue to stay sober, that VH1 May pick up my OWN SPIN OFF SHOW ABOUT MY LIFE SOBER NOW AND HOW I CAN HANDLE BEING A MOGUL, AND STILL TRY TO MEET THE LOVE OF MY LIFE! IT’s gong to be very raw and real.

So anyway, since the news already broke, I just wanted to tell you myself, and despite those rumors TMZ and many other website have on there that the only person they could find to be on the show was me and if that if they don’t find anymore people to sign on then the show will be cancelled! WRONG!

People always like to make up lies. First of all I pack my bags and leave in about 9 more days to film. There will be 8 to 10 people there already, so of course the reporters are all reporting lies! Geez, even my site is becoming more legit than TMZ and Piggy Perez! You shall see very soon what I mean by that. Turst me.

In the meanwhile TILA ARMY, stay strong for me out there and hold down the fort for me until I return!!! I know my TILA ARMY WILL NEVER STOP SUPPORTING ME BECAUSE I NEVER STOP SUPPORTING THEM!!! SO PLEASE TILA ARMY HOLD THE FORT DOWN FOR ME, SHOW THE HATERS THAT YOU ARE STRONGER THEM THEM!! AND PEASE TUNE IN TO THE SHOW ONCE IT AIRS. I’M A LITTLE NERVOUS BUT AT LEAST I AM GETTING HELP!!! Jeus, if anything, LINDSAY LOHAN NEEDS TO BE IN CELEBRITY REHAB!!!!!!!!!!!!!

God Bless,
Miss Tila

Uhhh… best of luck, girl?

Bad news for anyone out there who was hoping for yet another season of Celebrity Rehab: Apparently the producers are unable to scrape together enough big names to get approval for a new season.

Initially the producers were asking for big names like Lindsay Lohan and Heather Locklear, but were quickly told by Lindsay and Heather’s people that they were barking up the wrong tree. So then they turned to The F-List. You know, the former American Idol contestants and paparazzi queens that surely don’t have anything else to do. However, VH1 passed on all the “talent” that did agree to get treated in the Celebrity Rehab house leaving the producer back at ground zero.

I’m not sure if I can imagine what’s harder to believe: That there’s not enough C-or-D list celebs that are desperate for a career boost/free rehab, or that this hasn’t been a problem for the creators of this show much sooner. I mean, you’d have to be on drugs to go on TV and admit that you’re on drugs!

The producers have until Wednesday of this week to scrape some bigger names together and present them to the network. Best of luck, you guys… And have you hit up The Sheens? Something tells me Brooke Mueller might be down.

If you luckily missed the latest episode of Celebrity Rehab, Heidi Fleiss opens her germ-infested trap and tells us all why she looks the way that she does: she long lived on a concoction of crystal meth, Valium and Xanax.

Fleiss claims that in her high-powered prostitution ring, it was a way of indulging in the party and taking the edge off of her high-stress proprietorship of playing Ring Around the Hoes-y.  She now admits that she’d love nothing more than to settle down with a boyfriend because the drugs make her happy, but she’s still lonely.

You’re on Celebrity Rehab, darling, not a dating game show.   And let’s be honest with ourselves.  You look like crap because you’re one gross bitch and you were born that way.  While drugs didn’t help too much, let’s not delude ourselves.