Well hell. Finally a reason to watch DWTS. Just when I thought I’d have to make up transparent excuses to take peeks at David Arquette‘s sure-to-be awkward rug-cutting skills, I have a VALID REASON TO WATCH.

… Oh, wait, what? You don’t know who Carson Kressley is? Well he’s the ultra-fabulous blonde man from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. Yes, remember that show? I never really watched it, but I had a little crush on Carson. He was so sweet and funny and dramatic and I just adored him. Now you know.

Carson’s taking the place of yesterday’s forecast of Ryan O’Neal, which is good, because I hear no one likes him anyway.

Are you guys happy with the selection? Do any of you even watch this show, or is my mother-in-law the only one?

Tila Tequila, who normally walks the red carpet with her partner-in-famewhoring, Courtenay Semel, has been solo for awhile now, instead posing at the Hollywood Style Awards with Carson Kressley.

WTF????

I wanted COURTENAY! Are these two dunzo?

Courtenay Semel is such a raging alcoholic and all-around problem child. Will someone PUH-LEASE just help her get famous already? Listen up, fellow members of the media. Let’s all work together on this. We all stand to profit from it, I PROMISE!

Remember Carson Kressley, the main gay from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy? That show that was popular back when we, as a nation, were celebrating our realization that gay people can be on television and it’ll be okay?

I remember I had a huge crush on Kyan from that show. I thought he was just the hottest thing ever. I have this problem with falling in love with gay men. I can’t help it that they’re so damn hot. Anyway one of my coworkers (this was back when I had an office job) emailed me a bunch of photos of Kyan, and I printed them out (on the color printer! take that, profit-sharing!) and posted them on the walls of my cubicle and stared at them adoringly all day long.

We were based in LA but worked very closely with a company in Fort Worth, Texas, and I will tell you that I found a majority of the men from that company (they were almost all men) to be kind, intelligent and open-minded, but some of them were still the stereotypical men who’d been born and bred in Fort Worth, Texas. Old-school cowboy types with old-school cowboy ideas. One older guy in particular was especially Texan, and he was visiting our LA offices when he walked by my cube and saw the pictures of Kyan.

Dude: Oh, is that your boyfriend?
Me: (Genuinely flattered that anyone could believe I’d landed a guy who looks like Kyan.) No, no. He’s just a guy on a TV show that I have a crush on.
Dude: Really? What TV show?
Me: (Realizing now that this isn’t going anywhere good) Um … Queer Eye for the Straight Guy?
Dude: Ahem! What for the What?
Me: (Praying for the best) It’s this show where gay men help straight men learn how to dress and socialize and take better care of themselves.
Dude: And the men on it are homosexuals?
Me: Yes. They’re gay.
Dude: (Pointing to photos on my wall) But this guy isn’t a homosexual.
Me: No, he is. He’s gay.
Dude: He’s gay?
Me: Yes.
Dude: This one? On your wall?
Me: Yes.
Dude: (Truly more perplexed than upset at this point) And … um … so … you … like that?
Me: I just think he’s hot.
Dude: (Gives me strange look, shakes his head) I don’t understand you Los Angeles types.

I realized after that I should have just said “Yes, that’s my boyfriend and he’s a ill-tempered UFC fighter and we’re getting married,” because a coworker of mine told me later that a bunch of the guys went out and got drunk after work that day and this dude was telling everyone, in intimate detail, the things he was sure he’d be able to get me to do in the bedroom if he had the chance. Sexy!

All of this has a point.

Oh, yes, Carson Kressley is shooting a pilot for a daytime talk show for the Lifetime network. The show will focus on “real people” rather than celebrities, who we all know are made of clay.