Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Britney Spears

What Year Is It?: Britney Spears Wins “Best Bikini Body”

britney spears bikini 2013

Britney Spears looks great in a bikini, but let’s be real, she’s not in her heyday anymore. I’m talking about the ridiculous (in a good way) figure she had in her “I’m A Slave For U” era, which was in 2001. But it’s been 12 years and 2 kids later, so considering that I think she’s doing swell and looking good (and Shape magazine agrees.)

Celebuzz asked people to vote in their “Battle of the Bikini Bodies” which is admittedly kind of a huge UGH that this is even a thing, but here are the results.

#1. Britney, with 41%.
#2. Kate Upton, 28%.

#3. Jessica Alba, 15%.

jessica alba bikini
#4. Coco, 9%.

coco bikini
#5. Holly Madison, 5%.

holly madison post baby bikini body

I share this because I think it’s interesting that with the exception of Jessica Alba, these are women with curvier figures. I don’t mean curvy as a euphemism for fat. I mean Coco is genuinely insanely curvy.

My favorite bikini body is any woman who wears a bikini who isn’t Miranda Kerr perfection. There’s more bikini goodness here.

Who would you have voted for?

Ouch: Simon Cowell Straight-Up Disses Britney On New Season Of X Factor

britney spears out shopping

Britney Spears left The X Factor and I’m guessing it wasn’t completely her decision. So either Simon Cowell is thrilled with her absence or is being passively aggressively pissed about her leaving, because he’s openly dissing her on X Factor‘s new season. Radar Online describes the promos for the upcoming season:

In one clip, Simon tells a whiny male candidate singing Britney’s Hit Me Baby One More Time that, “There was a moment there where I shut my eyes and I thought we had Britney Spears on stage.”

New judge Kelly Rowland looked in, shocked, while Demi Lovato just laughed.

And in another promo from the Long Island auditions, Simon describes one woman’s seriously nasal rendition of Toxic as sounding “a little bit too much like the original.”

Come on, dude, why be like that? You don’t have to heap false praise on her like her producer, but you don’t have to be mean! Oh…well, actually, yeah, I guess that’s his “thing.” But is he ever mean to the other judges? He would tease Paula on American Idol but at least it was to her face.

Speaking of Paula Abdul, anyone seen her lately?

Well, Here’s Britney Spears With Some Smurfs

Britney Spears did that horrendous song for Smurfs 2, ‘Ooh La La’ (that’s a lot like one of Madonna‘s tracks, incidentally), and not only do your ears have to be assaulted, but now your eyes, too. That’s right: the song has a video, and in it our autotune shunner of the year (LOL).

It’s not all bad – in the vid, she watches the movie with her cute sons. However, it quickly turns shit when she starts “performing” the song surrounded by Smurfs, who dance along to the track. Why, God, Why? There is not a single thing about this I like. Make it stop immediately.

LOL Okay: Britney’s Producer Says She Doesn’t Need Autotune

britney spears

Britney Spears, I love you, I really do, but it’s not for your singing. I love you for your songs, your silliness, your sheer Britneyness. While I don’t think people give you enough credit in the singing department (and oh God this autotuned mess didn’t help) I would never call you a singer over a performer or pop star, you know? Yeah, you get it.

Brit’s got a new album coming out and her producer, William Orbit, tweeted about it to fans. When one fan suggested a stripped down song on the album, Orbit agreed but maaaaaybe took it a little too far. He replied (via,

@britneyspears never needed that auto tune thing . . . just know how to make singers sing great

Uh, okay. For the curious, here’s what Britney sounds like completely a cappella. It’s her singing “happy birthday” to L.A. Reid on The X Factor. Skip to 11 seconds.

Again, not terrible, but not…noteworthy. (PUNNED IT.)

Meet Britney Spears, Philanthropist

britney spears david lucado

Our little Brit Brit has a heart of gold and is always doing nice things for the less fortunate. She’s already given a homeless guy $100 from the ATM, but now she’s upped the ante and thrown a few hundred at a homeless family she spotted outside a Walmart in Filmore, California over the 4th of July weekend. LOVE HER!

She and boyfriend David Lucado were driving by when they saw the family holding up a “HELP” sign and she gave him a few hundred bucks to get out and give to them. Aw, Britney. Say what you will about her shitty music, but homegirl has a heart of gold!

I still think she needs to drop David, though. That dude has gold digger written all over him, and I’m not feelin’ it.

Best And Worst Celebrity Looks Of The Week — 1st Week of July

courtney stodden fishnet dress

Courtney Stodden at a birthday party, July 6. Because of course.

Happy July! Happy summer! Happy weekend! Let’s celebrate by looking at photos of celebs’ best and worst looks of this week and praising them or making fun of them. What joy for everyone!

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Britney Wants To Twerk With Miley PLUS Miley’s About To Make A Paparazzo’s Life A Living Hell

miley cyrus el rey 2013

Miley Cyrus‘ new video for “We Can’t Stop” is full of “is this changing my image yet?” sights, including the dance move all the kids are suddenly doing: “twerking.” Here’s Miley doing it (center, in white) surrounded by lots of black women, for scenery street cred. (There’s a debate going on right now fueled by Jezebel about whether or not Miley is appropriating “rachet culture” and is “accessorizing with black people” but that’s not something I’m getting into here.)

miley we can't stop gif

Anyway the point here is that Britney Spears is showing her approval for Miley’s new video and moves, as evidenced in this tweet:

Loving your new video for #WeCantStop @MileyCyrus! Maybe you can teach me how to twerk sometime LOL ;) xo

“LOL”, a winkey-faced emoticon, and an “xo”? Someone’s really serious here!

As for Miley twitter updates, she’s about to make some paparazzo’s life a living hell by tweeting earlier,

If you see this douche RAM HIM. #fuckpaps

That link is a photo of said paparazzo’s car, license plate and all. This could be a HUGE clusterf-ck.