Let me clarify: the heckler was old and bald, but he was not actually Don Rickles (pictured).

Bristol Palin just wanted to have a quiet evening to herself—in the middle of a restaurant in West Hollywood, on a mechanical bull, taping her new reality TV show—and props to her, too, because I don’t think I’d be able to keep myself perched on a bucking robot like that.

Eventually she slips out of the saddle and lets herself flip off of the bull. Just as soon as she pulls herself upright, a voice calls out, loud and clear: “DID YOU RIDE LEVI LIKE THAT? YOUR MOTHER IS A WHORE!”

Hoohhhkay. Initially, I guessed that he was a plant, put there to demonstrate the Perils of Being Palin. Bristol smiles unwaveringly, but then she points at her heckler. (As in “Stay put, I’ll be along momentarily—to shred you.”) She smiles her way through the crowd (but denies a Saddle Ranch employee his high-five! Ha ha!), all while making a murderous beeline for Mr. Baldy Big-Mouth, who is waiting at the bar.

Video NSFW (language).

Bristol: “What’d you say?”

Man: “Your mother’s a f—king devil, dude.”

Bristol: “Oh, is she?”

Man: “Yeah, she’s the devil.”

Bristol: “What’d she do wrong.”

Man: “She lives. She breathes.”

Bristol: “You want her dead?”

Man: “Aw, you know what? If there was a hell, which I don’t believe there is one, she will be there.”

Bristol: “OK, why’s that.”

Man: “She’s evil, she’s evil—”

Bristol: “Or! Is it because you’re a homosexual?”

Man: “Pretty much!”

Bristol: “And that’s why you hate her.”

Man: “And why’d you say I’m a homosexual?”

Paparazzo: “WHOOPS!”

(more…)

Because according to Levi Johnston‘s 19-year-old sister, Mercedes, she is:

“Everything is about her, her, her. She has to have her own way. She’ll be supersweet and then she turns into the most evil person I’ve ever known … Honestly, she is the meanest person. I didn’t know someone could be so vindictive and evil …[She's] a sociopath. She doesn’t think anything she could do or does is wrong.”

This is from an interview with Playboy in which Mercedes also claims that Sarah Palin is a bad mother and that if she were elected president (cringe break!), “she’d have a mental breakdown.” She also says that Levi and Bristol were “trying to conceive for months” before Bristol got pregnant. And I can believe all that, so I don’t think it needs to be discussed as much as the announcement of Bristol Palin’s evil nature.

I’ve never cared one way or another for Bristol. I don’t really like her, of course, but I wouldn’t, say, shoot my television if she was on it. She seems like a dumb but harmless young woman, and despite my indifference bordering on dislike for her, I don’t think I’m going to trust a girl riding on the coattails of her brother’s ride on coattails, you know?

What about you guys? Does Bristol seem like the most evil person to you?

I absolutely cannot abide 20-year olds who write memoirs because, unless your parents died and you are raising your little brother all by yourself or you made it all up, how am I to care?

But Bristol Palin has accounted for my ageist ire by titling her new autobiography Not Afraid of Life: My Journey So Far. Ah! Bristol’s journey so far! I like how the title already leaves the door open to a sequel.

In her new book, Bristol treats us to certain revelations about her private life. For instance: she drunkenly lost her virginity to Levi Johnston during a camping trip. Yup.

Bristol couldn’t even remember the sexual encounter—she’d managed to black out on wine coolers—so I guess it’s a good thing she overheard Levi bragging to their friends later, or else she might have thought Tripp was immaculately conceived. (Levi Johnston’s reaction to news of their pregnancy: “Better be a fucking boy.” Nice.)

I like Bristol Palin (for now), and I like Dancing With The Stars, and I really, really like Kyle Massey and I hope it’s true they’re dating. And because I like Bristol so much right now, I am only too happy to have her confirm that Levi Johnston is a bloodsucking bug.

Also, I appreciate Bristol’s newfound sense of rebellion. She should keep trying to piss people off; it looks really good on her.

Well hell. Look who went to the dentist only to emerge looking like a cheap, brunette Lindsay Lohan clone, just without the fired-up coke stare!

Bristol Palin is trying to save face by insisting her new look is the result of a necessary medical procedure—not cosmetic surgery.

… She told Us Weekly the procedure was necessary so her jaw and teeth could properly realign. “Yes, it improved the way I look, but this surgery was necessary for medical reasons,” she told the magazine for its May 23 issue.

Palin said while growing up she wore braces and a device to correct an overbite. But her dentist warned her there was a still a possibility she would need surgery one day. The single mom declared she would never get plastic surgery “unless I got in an accident or something terrible.”

Palin, who recently landed a reality show of her own, said she was happy with her new look. “I look older, more mature and don’t have as much of a chubby little baby face,” she said.

OK.  Let’s see just how many procedures we could guess that went on here:

1) Brow lift.  If you compare older photos of Bristol (like, recent older photos), now it looks like she’s got a permanent look of surprise etched on her face.

2) Lipo around the jowls and chin.  Sorry, but no dental realignment is going to suck the double chin off your face, girl.

3) Lip injections.  They might have been minor injections, but isn’t that how they all start off?

4) Rhinoplasty.  It totally looks like there’s much more room in between her top lip and the tip of her nose, but hey.  Maybe that’s that dental magic at work.

Either way, we, like, totally shouldn’t judge.  I mean, this is a hard-working, young single mother, and even if she DID get a whole new face to go with her whole new LA-livin’ reality star life, we can’t blame her.  Look what it did for Kate Gosselin, duh.

We need to talk about Bristol‘s face because she went and got a whole new one without telling anyone about it. Gawker pointed it out last night, and it’s been haunting me ever since. What did she do?  And don’t tell me that she just lost weight, because that doesn’t explain her whole new jawline.  Also, do you think she just happens to be looking upwards in this photo, or does she have a bad case of ceiling eyes now?  Can you develop Ceiling Eyes from botched plastic surgery?

I’m sorry to start the day off with so many questions and zero answers.  If it really bothers you, just have a margarita and call it celebrating Cinco de Mayo.

Sarah linked y’all to a story earlier today saying that Bristol Palin is planning on releasing a memoir in June of this year, but I want to know if you think she has a story to tell.

On one hand, a 20-year old single mother from a political family that’s starred on a televised dancing competition does sound like someone with an interesting story. Of course people out there want to know what it was like to be a pregnant teenager with a mother running for Vice President of the United States. But then on the other hand, no ghostwriter on the planet could undo how totally dumb the Palin clan is. And with Bristol being as young as she is, is it possible that she could offer some perspective on her situation in any sort of meaningful way? Typically people hold out on writing memoirs until their life has played out a bit more. She’s got a long life of raising that kid ahead of her before we can call her parenting a success.

I will probably pick up a copy of this book because I devour celebrity memoirs and relish in how fantastically stupid and/or poorly written they can be. Will you do the same or just pick up a copy of Snooki’s book