Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Brad Pitt

Jolie Tells Pitt He Sucks In Bed; Pitt Gets Hammered

brad pitt angelina

Oh man, I love the National Enquirer. Jest all you like, but half of the time they get their stories right and before anyone else. The other half of the time I think they just make shit up and I think this falls under that half.

Apparently Angelina Jolie told Brad Pitt that compared to Colin Farrell he sucks in bed and now Brad Pitt is an alcoholic or something.

from The National Inquirer

Brad caught Angie red-handed, admitting that she thinks he’s a so-so lover. Ever since then, he’s been on a drunken rampage – consuming copious amounts of his favorite beer and red wine…he’s showed no signs of slowing down on the booze. He’s been drink­ing to forget about the image of Angie and Colin together.

One might ask, how did he catch her “red-handed”? Was she spray-painting “COLIN FARRELL IS BETTER AT SEX THAN BRAD PITT” on their garage? No. Allegedly Jolie was talking on the phone to ex Billy Bob Thornton while Pitt was out but then he forgot his wallet and then this scene from Beverly Hills, 90210 played out:

As he walked into their bedroom, Brad overheard Angie say that he was a great guy, but Colin was the best lover she’d ever had! Then Angie told Billy Bob that her love life with Brad had gone cold, and she missed the wild, passionate sex she’d had with Colin!

Who was there to know this private information? This is like when Charles Foster Kane died whispering his last words, “Rosebud” but the nurse was in the other room. Whatever, this is great, let’s just keep going with this. Brad “exploded” and,

Demanded that Angie tell him everything about her relationship with Colin. She told Brad that she fell in love with Colin because he was dangerous and spontaneous. She also copped to sending Colin sexy pictures, dirty voice-mails and sexually explicit let­ters during their fling. Angie admitted that she had hoped for a future, includ­ing marriage and kids, with Colin, but he wasn’t ready. She couldn’t deny to Brad that he was her second choice! [...] she thrives on making him jealous.

So now Brad Pitt is all sad and not wanting to marry her, like ever, and is telling her she can’t talk to Colin Farrell.

Okay.

Brangelina Want You To Get Crunk Off Their New Wine

Everyone knows that wine is only good for vineyards, first dates and the desperate and otherwise dry. Still, lots of people seem to like it because it’s classy and you can drink it by the bottle without feeling like the alcoholic you probably are, so it only makes sense that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have gotten in on the action and are releasing their own range, fresh from their very own vineyard!

From Decanter:

Under the agreement, the Perrin family, long-term owners of Château Beaucastel in Chateauneuf-du-Pape, and one of the most renowned names in the Rhone Valley, are now responsible for both the winemaking and distribution of the Jolie-Pitts’ Château Miraval in Correns.

The Perrins began working with the estate from harvest 2012, Marc Perrin told Decanter.com. Mutual friends put the two sides in touch, he said.

When the Jolie-Pitts first moved in to Château Miraval they signed a three-year lease to rent the 500-ha estate, but its AOC Côtes de Provence continued to be made by the previous winemaker.

They have since purchased the property – reportedly for around US$60m – and have been carrying out extensive renovations.

‘The focus will now be more about Miraval itself that any specific cuvée,’ said Perrin. ‘They (the Jolie-Pitts) want to ensure they are making the best Provence wines they can. They were present at the blending sessions this year, and are relooking at everything from the installations in the winery – where we have already switched to stainless steel tanks – to reworking the labels across the range of wines.’

The first Perrin-made Miraval rosés should be on the market next month, March 2013, with the white wines arriving at the end of the summer.

I generally think most wines taste like a fresh blend of stewed ass (besides Riesling – I do like Riesling), so I don’t particularly have high hopes for this. I’d rather a cider – or better yet, an aged Scotch whisky – if I’m going to drink at all. However, I’m sure idiots will buy this by the bucketload simply for the Brangelina name.

Speaking of Brangelina, I’m not sure if this sounds totally like them or not at all like them. They tend to pass by the mainstream celeb entrapments like product endorsements (save Chanel, but that’s couture) and the like, but at the same time, money talks. What do you think? Will you be ponying up for some Miraval?

Quotables: Brad Pitt is Getting Weird

photo of brad pitt pictures funny face pic

It’s been a family type of year, a down-home type of year. Mama’s worked more. And quite frankly I’ve really enjoyed it.

Brad Pitt on his family and, I’m assuming, Angelina Jolie in the role of “Mammy.” And this quote was also from that other interview that Brad Pitt did recently—the one where he talked about the time being all nigh and what not about his up-and-coming marriage to Jolie.

Was Brad always this odd or did it come after years of Angelina Jolie feasting on his blood and other bodily fluids?