The Spider-Man musical has been in the works for a good long while. Originally, it might have been at least mediocre:  direction by Julie Taymor, music by Bono and The Edge from U2, and Alan Cumming and Evan Rachel Wood as the Green Goblin and Mary Jane.  But Cumming and Wood have dropped out in the past couple of months and apparently Julie Taymor doesn’t have any sense, so now it’s just going to be a disaster.

An absurd amount of money is going into this travesty of a musical. The New York Post said:

“The show’s weekly running cost is $850,000. And that’s before royalty payments. Factor those in, and the weekly nut jumps to more than $1 million. A person who’s crunched the numbers says “Spider-Man” will have to run five years — at full capacity, and by selling lots of premium-priced seats — just to earn back the $50 million production cost.”

Because the producers know they’re not going to be able to sell every ticket for every show for five years, they’re planning on paying off the production cost by going on tour.  But it’s not going to be like a regular Broadway tour in theatres or anything like that; they’re planning on booking sports arenas with thousands of seats.  One of the producers said:

“They’re trying to sell it as a rock concert. But you’re not going to sell out a 10,000-seat basketball stadium unless Bono and The Edge are playing the songs. Basically, it’s gotta be a U2 concert. Nobody’s going to sit in nosebleed seats to see a Broadway musical.”

This whole thing is just a mess.  Who wants to listen to U2 songs about Spider-Man in the first place?  I’m sure there’s an audience for this type of thing, but I don’t know that audience and I’m not sure I want to.  Regardless, previews start in October, and I can’t wait to watch this whole thing crash and burn.

Last night, George Clooney cobbled together a phone bank whose average adjusted gross income was higher than Haiti’s combined gross national product in all of the 90′s. The celebrity-manned phone lines and musical performances by Madonna, Beyonce, Justin Timberlake, Taylor Swift, Chris Martin, Bono, Jay-Z, Rihanna and more,  pulled in over $16 Million dollars.

Did any of you dial-a-celeb and phone in a donation? If you missed your chance, you can still contribute by preordering  any of the songs performed last night  on iTunes.

I applaud the stars’ desire to contribute to a good cause, but groaned when Beyonce inserted “Haiti” into her song “Halo.” I can’t stand it when artists insert words from current events willy-nilly into already established hit songs for the purposes of “tribute”. Bastardizing one of your already established hit singles just seems like such a lazy way out. I cringed when Elton John did it with “Candle in the Wind”, and Beyonce sure as shit ain’t no Elton John.

More telethon clips featuring Robert Pattinson and his facial hair, Madonna, JT, Jennifer Hudson, Taylor Swift, and Xtina after the jump.

Editor’s Note: As of this morning, the news services have upgraded the amount of money raised by the telethon to an estimated $57 Million!!

(more…)

I thought we were in a recession…?

Spider-Man, Turn Off the Dark will make it’s Broadway debut on February 18, 2010 at The Hilton Theater. The show is directed by Tony Award-winning Lion King director Julie Taymor and features music & lyrics by Bono and The Edge of U2 fame.

The production will cost a reported $40 million, making it the costliest Broadway production to date. Part of the enormous price tag stems from a massive cityscape set that includes skyscrapers for the web slinger’s acrobatics.

40 MILLION dollars? When I heard they were doing a Spidey musical I was like ‘meh’ but Bono rarely disappoints so maybe this’ll be the show that saves Broadway. The best part though is that title. Spiderman, Turn Off the Dark?! Everyime I say it aloud I see jazz hands on the edges of my vision.

For real, though – who the fuck is going to go watch a musical about Spiderman?

U2′s Bono is reportedly going to be The Godfather of Brangelina’s new twins, Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline.

“They have been friends for years. Brad is a massive U2 fan and told Bono how much he admired him when they were introduced at a party a few years back. Since then, they’ve become very close, which Brad is thrilled about. Angelina is inspired by Bono’s humanitarian work and gets on with his wife Ali Hewson.”

Apparently Angelina has also consulted with her former girl-flame Jenny Shimizu about being a godmother to the twinsies, but Brad has yet to give his consent. I don’t blame him! That’s kind of like Brad being like, “You know, Angelina, I think we should make Jennifer Aniston the godmother.” Angelina would freak out and vomit all over him, instead of in the toilet where she usually does it. Was that crossing a line? Eh.

I wish Bono was my godfather. I don’t even have godparents. That’s what I get for being Jewish. I got a fucking dreidl instead of Bono. That’s total bullshit.