50Who Looked Hotter? Beyonce vs. Ali Larter

Co-stars Beyonce and Ali Larter went for very different (although, IMHO, equally ridiculous) looks at the NYC premiere of Obsessed.

Who looked better, kids?

April 24, 2009 at 8:45 am by Evil Beet

18Much To My Dismay, It Was A Hoax

As much distaste as I may personally feel for Beyonce, and I feel a lot, fairness and truth must prevail.  So, in said fairness, I sadly report that this board mix recording of Beyonce performing on Today was apparently altered by someone who hates Beyonce as much as I do.

Beyonce has officially been cleared of all bad singing charges — the atrocious supposed “board mix” of her performance on “The Today Show” last year was altered after all.

Just as Mathew Knowles told us, the audio clip that many people believed was leaked from “Today” was indeed a fake.

In fact, TMZ found the person behind the prank who was surprised it went as far as it did, saying, “It’s a little bit crazy. No one in their right mind would sound like that, and no one would cheer for someone singing like that.”

Oh, those twits at TMZ seemed so confident in their source!  I trusted and now I must live with the devastation that she didn’t actually sound like she was stuck under the wheels of an SUV.

People, this is not the way to start my day.  Hold me.

April 23, 2009 at 4:14 am by Wendie

55I’m Having An “I Told You So” Moment

Friends, I realize that I have a lot of  “I told you so” moments.  So, the next time one of my statements or predictions prove true, I won’t get all obnoxious extolling my amazing talent of perception.  Unless it’s when Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake break up.  Or J. Lo and Skeletor.  Or when the world learns what I’ve always known:  Beyonce can’t sing.  Oh, and how that moment is here.

Howard Stern got hold of a copy of Beyonce’s board mix when she performed If I Were A Boy last year on the Today Show.  Basically, when singers perform on shows, they usually lip-synch to a recorded track so that they sound perfect.  Often, they will actually sing along to their recorded track but the audience won’t hear that.  So, this is a recording of the uber-talent’s actual singing voice.  Please listen and continue to tell me how talented she is.

I sounded more melodious when I was unmedicated and pushing a human being out of my loins.  Someone, give me a Grammy!

April 22, 2009 at 7:50 am by Wendie

9He Still Hasn’t Put a Ring On It, So the Beyonce Dance Continues

In London’s Piccaddilly Circus this week, 100 woman flash-mobbed the square to “celebrate” (read: “promote”) London’s free Beyonce concert in November, sponsored by Trident. Yeah, that’s right, the gum. The packets of gum all have barcodes on them, and a limited number of the barcodes grant you access to the Beyonce show. So it’s kind of like Willy Wonka except with considerably fewer Oompa Loompas but probably a lot more aerial work. (I’m gonna go ahead and call the chocolate ratio a tie.)

I feel like I’ve watched people do this dance on YouTube clips with such regularity that I might just spring up out of bed one night and start doing it, nailing all the moves perfectly. I’ve never studied dance, but I’m pretty sure I could at least test into some masters-level courses in tap and ballet with the sheer amount of exposure I’ve had to the Single Ladies dance. You think I’m kidding? Once when I was 13, Juilliard offered me a full scholarship to their dance program when they saw me do the Achy Breaky Heart dance at a Bat Mitzvah. (I politely declined; I knew another young woman was waiting in the wings to build an ill-deserved career on Billy Ray Cyrus’s name. You’re welcome, Miley.)

Thanks Anthony!

April 22, 2009 at 12:22 am by Evil Beet

5Today In Backpedal

Ugh.  I was really hoping this wouldn’t happen.  Etta James issued a sorta apology for the comments she made about Beyonce.

James told the New York Daily News, “I didn’t really mean anything.  Even as a little child, I’ve always had that comedian kind of attitude…That’s probably what went into it.  Nobody was getting mad at me in Seattle.  They were all laughing, and it was funny.”   She shared that her pre-song commentary didn’t come “from a vicious place” and also that she wasn’t too concerned about offending President Obama.  “He’s got other stuff [to worry about] besides Etta James.”

When asked if she felt that she would have performed “At Last” better than Beyonce, she did reply, “I think so. That’s a shame to say that.”

Thanks Etta.  Thanks for letting your publicist get the better of you and for giving in to the pressure of making a retraction.  Thanks for stripping away the biggest joy I’ve felt since Mischa’s last DUI.  Just, thanks.

February 6, 2009 at 4:29 am by Wendie

46Can I Somehow Get Involved In Selling Tickets Or Working The Concession Stand Or Something For The Beyonce Smackdown? I’m Willing To Help In Any Way.

Oh.  Hell.  Yes.  During a Seattle concert a few nights ago, Etta James said what I’ve needed to hear for so long now.  She can’t stand Beyonce.  The relief is so immense for me to learn that I am not alone; it comes over me in waves.  Speaking of waves of pleasure, the clip above is from the concert.  Yeah, you have to look at annoying ads, but it’s totally worth the aural orgasm you will surely experience in multiples.  I don’t know if she downed a few Sidecars before she went on stage, but whatever it takes to speak the truth honey.  She told the audience, “You know, YOUR President, the one with the big ears-he ain’t MY President–had that woman singing for him at his Inauguration.  She’s going to get her ass whooped….Beyonce…I can’t stand Beyonce.  How dare Beyonce sing MY song that I been singing forever?  Now I’m going to sing it for y’all….”  Yes!  Please!  Kick her ass!  Rip out her weave!  Put a ring on it!  I need this!

I actually wondered the same thing when I tolerated watching Beyonce at the inauguration.  Why didn’t the large-eared dude just ask Etta James asked to sing her signature song?

Pictures in gallery of Etta pretending to like Beyonce, at the LA premiere of Cadillac Records.  You know, the movie where Beyonce plays Etta?  Girl obviously overstepped her bounds and now might get killed by a senior citizen.  Oh well.

February 5, 2009 at 5:24 am by Wendie