File it under “You Didn’t Hear It From Us”: numerous reports this week claimed that Oprah had been crowned godmother of Beyonce and Jay-Z‘s infant daughter, Blue Ivy Carter.
I am pleased to announce that you never read any such thing here at Evil Beet Gossip. But boy, if we had reported it, we’d be eating crow right about now.
Oprah’s bestie Gayle King sets the record straight (via Pop2it):
“It’s absolutely not true that she’s the godmother,” King said. “She’s friends with them, of course, and likes them both very much. She’s working on sending them a baby gift. She hasn’t even had time to send a baby gift because she’s been away.”
See? How could Oprah be the godmother when she hasn’t even sent a gift yet?
That baby better watch out when Oprah does send something, though. Kid’s sure to get fifteen cars and a rehabbed kitchen (you’ll find the keys taped to the underside of your high chair, honey).
King added, “Let me just say, if (that report is) true, it is news to her. It is news to her. You know, she was heading to South Africa when the baby was born.”
Don’t you get it, people? Oprah would make a great godmother, but Oprah is busy. Oprah is very happy about the new baby—Oprah loves babies!—but Oprah has much, much bigger fish to fry.
I know, Beyonce has only been a mom for, what, nine days? But you guys, she is such a good mom. Seriously, it’s like crazy how good she is. According her old fellow children of Destiny, that is.
Beyoncé just brought baby Blue Ivy Carter home from the hospital but motherhood, according to her former Destiny’s Child bandmates, is as natural for the pop star as dancing in stilettos and a leotard.
“She’s doing fabulous,” Michelle Williams told PEOPLE on the red carpet at the taping of the 2012 BET Honors in Washington, D.C., on Saturday
“She was born to be a mother,” Kelly Rowland added at the show, which will air Feb. 13. “She’s wonderful.”
According to Williams, Beyoncé has what it takes to be a great mother to baby Blue. “She has such compassion for people and humanity, period,” she said.
Still, Williams admits that the ladies of Destiny’s Child never thought their frontwoman would be the first to become a mom.
“We were very shocked. We were laughing with each other the other day and she was like, ‘Can y’all believe it? I was the anti – like no children for me,’ and she’s the first one [of us to have a baby],” Williams said. “So it was so amazing to see her.”
Williams, who already spent time with “the bundle of joy,” says Beyoncé and Jay-Z’s little chart topper just might be the most stylish baby on the scene.
After all, she has Kelly and Michelle looking after her!
Yeah, ok, ladies.
In other Beyonce news, her bouncing baby girl, Blue Ivy, has her very own strain of marijuana named after her! Jealous!
Recently, several weed dispensaries in Los Angeles have started selling the new strain of weed called “OG Blue Ivy,” with one dispensary tweeting about a special deal ($20 a gram and $55 an eighth #newstrain). Needless to say, Beyoncé and Jay-Z haven’t given the thumbs up to this particular endorsement, but they can’t be too happy about their daughter’s name being used to push pot.
Man, is Blue Ivy everywhere or what? Not even two weeks old, and this girl is poised to rule the world.
Now if we could only see some photographic evidence that she actually exists …
Of course you do, silly! You want to see every inch of that private suite where Beyonce‘s baby, Blue Ivy, came into this world. Or where we’re supposed to believe she came into the world. Or whatever. Yes, you want to see all the flat screen televisions and the private kitchen … yeah, it actually has those things.
Lenox Hill Hospital constructed a suite for VIPs which looks like a Four Seasons penthouse … and the room was christened Saturday when Beyonce gave birth.
TMZ has obtained photos of the room where Blue Ivy came into this world, and it’s baller. There are 4 flat screen TV’s, state of the art electronics, a kitchenette, nice art, mahogany walls and plush furnishings. And take a look at the bed where Jay Z got some shut eye!
Sources connected with the hospital tell TMZ … the suite was not constructed specifically for Beyonce, but it was always intended that Beyonce would be the first patient to use it.
Well, at least they didn’t get an entire wing, which is what the first reports said. It still seems kind of excessive though, doesn’t it? You’re having a child, not moving into an apartment. It’s wasteful, is what it is. Harrumph.
Speaking of harrumphs, did you hear that the New York Health Department investigated all those complaints people made about the star treatment Beyonce and Jay-Z got during their stay at the hospital? Well, the health department dismissed those complaints and shut down their investigation, but it turns out that the hospital itself is starting up its own “internal investigation into allegations about the mistreatment of maternity patients.” Here’s hoping somebody gets their comeuppance!
In other Beyonce baby news, you remember that song that Jay-Z released a few seconds after Blue Ivy was born, “Glory”? Yeah, thanks to that little ditty, Blue has beat the world record for the youngest person to have a song on the Billboard charts. For real. This girl is six days old and she’s already on the charts. Are you reconsidering every choice you’ve ever made too?
But really, all this talk is irrelevant. We shouldn’t be complaining about the shamefully excessive nature of the hospital suite or how absurd it is that this tiny baby is on the Billboard charts. What we should really be concerned about is that apparently this baby is actually Satan:
Talk about putting things into perspective, right?
Hey, did you guys read Beyonce and Jay-Z’s official birth announcement about baby Blue Ivy Carter? No? Well here it is:
“Hello Hello Baby Blue! We are happy to announce the arrival of our beautiful daughter, Blue Ivy Carter, born on Saturday, January 7, 2012. Her birth was emotional and extremely peaceful, we are in heaven. She was delivered naturally at a healthy 7 lbs and it was the best experience of both of our lives. We are thankful to everyone for all your prayers, well wishes, love and support.”
So, wait a damned second now. Where does the business of having an abdomen cut open come into play? Because originally, didn’t baby Blue allegedly enter the world through a manufactured opening somewhere in Beyonce’s midsection, and not through the Tunnel of Love? So, OK. Wait a damned second. She allegedly didn’t want to ruin her body by being pregnant with the baby, but it’s totally alright to stretch her vagina to hell and back to accommodate an allegedly-fake baby? Heavens.
I don’t know about all of you, but I’m tired, friends. I’m tired of speculating about whether or not Beyonce had an engorged lump of human underneath her dresses in all of those pictures or whether it was some kind of cheap pool toy, and I’m just flat-out exhausted when I start to consider the many options that may have been chosen if Beyonce didn’t actually carry her own child (I mean, did she adopt through an agency? Adopt through another pregnant lady? Adopt via Bey ‘n Jay zygote implantation into a host mother?). Honestly, after this huge emotional blow, I’m really just ready to give up.
Me, I say we all give it a good few years, allow this whole situation to breathe and evolve, and then actually see what this kid ends up looking like. Because truly, guys, I just don’t have the dedication to good old Beyonce here to continue wondering what the big deal is behind every single thing she does with this child and to analyze every cryptic statement that’s been made to date. I just don’t think I’m cut out for that kind of mystery, folks.
That little video up there is the newest song from Jay-Z. It was released today, it’s called “Glory,” and it’s all about little Blue Ivy. It even samples the baby crying after delivery. It’s actually kind of sweet! Well, except the line “you’re my child with the child from Destiny’s Child,” that’s absolutely embarrassing, but hey! I imagine Jay wrote in a pinch, right?
But wait, what about this little line?
“Last time the miscarriage was so tragic
We was afraid you’d disappear
But nah baby you magic.”
That’s a bit heartbreaking, and it makes me think so much more of Jay and Beyonce that they didn’t, I don’t know, make a video with images of the deceased baby and post it online. But there’s this tiny part of me, this little awful cynic, that’s like “wait, for real?” Because it’s going to be super hard for me to believe anything this couple says from here on out, and I’m sorry if that makes me insensitive, but come on now.
Speaking of insensitive, you know who is also insensitive to Bey and Jay right now? All the other people who happened to have babies on the same weekend as Beyonce’s surrogate:
A Brooklyn man claims increased security at Lenox Hill hospital — because of the presence of Beyonce and Jay-Z — kept him from seeing his prematurely born twins … this according to a report.
Neil Coulon tells the NY Daily News he has been repeatedly kept out of the neonatal intensive care unit (NICU) by the couple’s security. He also claims his relatives were booted out of the waiting room by bodyguards wearing headsets.
He tells the paper, “Three times they stopped me from entering or exiting the NICU and it happened once on Friday — just because they wanted to use the hallway.”
Oh, silly man, how did you not know that Beyonce’s baby is more important than your own? You should have thought things through a little more when you and your partner decided to have babies. This is on you, Neil Coulon. This is all on you.
Meanwhile, a group of new mothers are threatening to sue the hospital for similar reasons:
Sources at Lenox Hill Hospital in NYC tell TMZ … the mothers have been gathering at a breastfeeding class at the hospital … and in between latching techniques, they’ve been griping about the way they’ve been treated during the celebrity lockdown.
We’re told the mothers feel they’ve been “neglected” by hospital staff … and now they’re discussing the possibility of filing a lawsuit against LHH.
According to NYDailyNews.com, Bey and Jay-Z dropped $1.3 mil to seal off a private wing of the hospital … with private security roaming all over the place.
Our sources say several mothers have been seen arguing with Bey’s security people … accusing the hired muscle of being “extremely rude.”
Still, we’re told the mothers are not mad at Bey and Jay — directing the blame solely at the people who run the hospital.
One source tells us, “Someone at the hospital should be protecting us patients.”
Does anyone else think that sounds like the plot of a really awesome movie?
“Hello Hello Baby Blue! We are happy to announce the arrival of our beautiful daughter, Blue Ivy Carter, born on Saturday, January 7, 2012. Her birth was emotional and extremely peaceful, we are in heaven. She was delivered naturally at a healthy 7 lbs and it was the best experience of both of our lives.We are thankful to everyone for all your prayers, well wishes, love and support. Beyoncé & Jay-Z.”
So she was born naturally now? Can someone please keep their story straight?
Beyonce’s baby is barely two days old and already causing problems — a Boston-area event planning company has been FLOODED with calls because its name is also Blue Ivy!
Veronica Alexandra, owner of Blue Ivy, tells TMZ she’s been getting phone calls, texts and Facebook posts from friends ever since the baby’s name was announced. She jokingly feels Beyonce must have known about her company, because before this weekend … her site came up first when someone Googled “Blue Ivy.”
Alexandra says she’d LOVE to plan all of Blue Ivy’s milestone celebrations and thinks B.I. should even be the face of the company. She tells us, “Clearly great minds think alike, and who better than our Blue Ivy to plan events for B&J’s Blue Ivy!?”
OK, this might be one of THE dumbest things I’ve ever heard. Not that Beyonce named her baby “Blue Ivy” (though I did like Ivy Blue much, much more), and not that there’s a same-name company in Boston, but that people are actually “flooding” Blue Ivy’s telephone lines with calls. I mean, about what? “Did you heeear? Beyonce named her baby after your company!” or “OMG is BEYONCE THERE?” “Can you tell me what room number JAY-Z is in?” “Where can I send the newborn some FLOWERS AND BLING?”
For real, what the hell could these calls have been about? And is it me, or do people seem to have WAY too much time on their hands these days that they can justify siting about, Googling Beyonce’s daughter’s name so they can call the first affiliated telephone number they can find? What’s wrong with these people? This might be one of the dumbest things I’ve heard in a long time.
Enlighten me, friends. If, for some reason, you thought it prudent to contact the Blue Ivy catering business because of Beyonce and her new child, what would you say? Bring the originality, folks.
Since the wee hours of this morning when I brought you the miraculous news that the child of Beyonce is finally among us, a lot has happened. Actually, not much has happened, but we know quite a bit more about things. Are you ready? Let’s dive in.
First of all, remember when I couldn’t say for sure if the little girl’s name is Ivy Blue or Blue Ivy? I’m now pretty certain that the baby’s name is Blue Ivy Carter. My certainty comes from a tweet by Gwyneth Paltrow:
Welcome to the world Blue! We love you already.
But why Blue Ivy, you might be wondering? Why name a baby Blue (LOL)? Well, somebody’s already broken that down for us as well:
The number “4″ and color “blue” play an important role in the baby’s name. Let’s start with “4,” the lucky number for Beyonce (at least the singer likes to think that). She even named her fourth studio album “4.” Also, “Iv” in the name denotes the roman numeral “4.” Sounds interesting? Well there’s more.
“We all have special numbers in our lives, and 4 is that for me. It’s the day I was born. My mother’s birthday, and a lot of my friends’ birthdays, are on the fourth; April 4 is my wedding date,” she told Billboard. In addition, it’s also husband Jay-Z’s birthdate (Dec. 4).
Now let’s come to “Blue.” It is hip-hop hubby Jay-Z’s favorite color. He called his sixth studio album “Blueprint.” Thus, the baby girl gets the touch of the favorites of her mom and dad.
That’s sweet, I reckon. Sweet enough to make up for naming your child Blue? At this point, who knows?
But what about the birth itself? We don’t really know all the much, because Beyonce got that hospital locked down in preparation for the delivery. Bey did not want anyone to catch a glimpse of her surrogate, and they made damn sure that no one did:
A very pregnant Beyoncé had checked into the upper East Side hospital on Friday night under the name “Ingrid Jackson,” a hospital staffer told the Daily News.
Beyoncé and her hip-hop hubby, whose real name is Shawn Carter, rented out the hospital’s entire fourth floor for $1.3 million, the employee said.
On Saturday night, people were seen bringing bags of takeout and a dozen bottles of red wine onto the heavily guarded hospital wing.
After 11 p.m., even doctors and nurses were barred from entering the fourth floor, prompting one doc to complain that he had patients to see.
In an effort to keep images from leaking to the public, hospital workers placed tape over security cameras and are forcing employees to turn in cell phones when they arrive for their shifts, a source said.
Ok, I know that these are really private people, and with such a high profile pregnancy, it would be understandable to be worried about paparazzi or people creeping to get a picture of your baby. But this sounds a bit excessive, doesn’t it? Renting out an entire floor of a hospital so you can completely ensure your privacy? Don’t hospitals typically use all their floors for, like, patients and stuff? And wouldn’t covering up security cameras be a little dangerous? SO MANY QUESTIONS!
Take some time to mull all this over, then, if you can, get back to me. I think we can come up with some good stuff together, guys, I really do.