Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Please Tell Me That You Knew That Beyonce And Jay-Z Are Married …

A photo of Beyonce and Jay-Z

Please just tell me that. Because your very life could depend on it. I know, I know, Beyonce and Jay-Z aren’t photographed together all that often (the photo that you see above is from two years ago), but trust me, they are married. They’re even allegedly having or already had a baby together. Got it? Now remember it.

Because, not to freak you out or anything, because if you forget this vital little piece of celebrity gossip, you could end up stabbed. And shhh, nobody’s trying to scare you! It’s ok! You probably won’t get stabbed for not knowing every single little thing about popular singers and actors! But you might. Because some guy in Ohio actually did get stabbed because he wasn’t aware of the sacred union of Bey and Jay:

A fight over a music video led to a Garfield Heights man being stabbed outside a Parma apartment on New Year Eve.

Det. Marty Compton of the Parma Police Department tells Fox 8 News that Ronald Deaver, 31, of Parma, was arrested and charged with felonious assault for allegedly stabbing a 48-year-old Garfield Heights man following an argument.

Det. Compton says the fight began because the victim did not know that singer Beyonce’s husband is rapper Jay-Z.

An arrest report obtained by Fox 8 News states the alleged stabbing occurred around 11:00 p.m. on December 31, 2011, outside Deaver’s apartment on Broadview Road.

Det. Compton says authorities were called following the stabbing and the victim was taken to a local hospital. He was later transferred to MetroHealth Medical Center where he is currently listed in good condition.

Police attempted to locate Deaver at his apartment, but according to the report, a woman in the residence, Jennifer Fornari, 31, told officers that Deaver no longer lived there.

Deaver was located by police a short time later and Fornari was arrested on an obstructing justice charge.

Ok, so good news: this guy has been arrested. He’s off the streets, so you don’t have to live in fear that the next time you’re walking down the street with a friend who offers up some good gossip that you haven’t heard yet, you’re getting knifed. Bad news: who knows how many other people like this character, this Ronald Deaver, are out there? People take this kind of stuff very seriously, but hey, I guess I don’t need to tell you that now though, huh?

To keep you guys safe when you’re out there in the real world, I’ve compiled a short list of celebrity facts that you might want to memorize, just in case you’re ever in this situation. Read them closely, you guys, and if you ever feel like you’re in danger, don’t be afraid to shout “JUSTIN BIEBER HAS A FOOT FETISH, PLEASE DON’T KILL ME.” Who knows, it might save your life.

- Sarah Michelle Gellar used to be a competitive figure skater.

- Rosie Huntington-Whiteley grew up on a farm and used to shoot pheasants and bunny rabbits.

- Scarlett Johansson won an award for having the best boobs in Hollywood.

- Nicolas Cage has severe vertigo.

- Christina Aguilera was drunk when she recorded the album version of “Beautiful.”

- Avril Lavigne once called herself “a Sid Vicious for the new generation.”

- Sarah Jessica Parker acted in a production of The Sound of Music when she was little, along with four of her siblings.

Ok, that’s a start. Just get those in your mind, and stay alert, you guys.

I Guess Beyonce is Still Pregnant, if That’s What We’re Still Calling It These Days

photo of beyonce pregnant pictures photos pics
B’s sister, Solange, who I normally don’t follow on Twitter because she’s excessively strange (and not in a fun, quirky, or cute way), fired off an interesting Tweet the other day that I just happened to catch this morning, and it was all about the status of sister Beyonce‘s womb. From Solange’s Twitter:

photo of solange knowles twitter says beyonce is still pregnant photos pics
So, OK. We’ve apparently narrowed recent delivery options down to “not,” and according to family, Beyonce is (or at least was, as of Monday) still “carrying” her child. The child is not undergoing makeup and hair, the child is not in transit via a slippery birth canal, and the child is not on her way to People magazine’s headquarters to pose for multi-million-dollar photo shoots.

Finally, I was laying in bed last night, unable to sleep, and I got to thinking about …

Read More

Beyonce Supposedly “Had” a Baby, Named Her Tiana May Carter

photo of beyonce pictures pregnancy fake pregnant baby pic tiana may carter photo
So, right. Nothing’s been confirmed, but Twitter’s blowing up all over the place, which is, I’m sure, exactly what Beyonce wants, and of course, whatever makes Beyonce happy sets us free, right? Or is that Christina Aguilera? I don’t know. Who cares. All I know is that there’s this alleged newborn floating around New York City right now bearing the name Tiana May Carter, and she’s masquerading as the offspring of Beyonce and Jay-Z.

And remember how Beyonce’s fetus had its own Twitter account? Has that still been a thing up until now? Yeah. I just checked and it is. It was even tweeting yesterday, talking about getting its hair and makeup did, leaking bits and pieces of information like “It’s getting close” and “looking like a slip ‘n slide in here,” which is way, way more information than I really needed to know about the environment of Beyonce’s surrogate’s vaginal canal, you know? Then you have the classy tweets like “I kick so hard mothaf@**$rs wanna fine me.” That’s cute babyspeak right there, guys. Lastly, this Twitter account only reinforces the fact that Beyonce is full of shit, rather than full of a baby. Check out this tweet here:

“Wait a minute. Hold the phone. I might be popping out earlier than February 2012. You’ll know soon. Very soon.”

Know when it was issued? December 5th. So, what then, does Beyonce have a way premature baby on her hands, or were the best OB’s in the country OFF by eight or more weeks when estimating the kid’s due date? I mean, does that even happen?

Finally. If you believe that Beyonce actually carried this child and birthed this child and (gasp!) breastfed this child, then I have a really great bridge to sell you and, conveniently enough, it’s located not all that far from B and her baby in Brooklyn.

REPORT: Beyonce’s in Labor! (Translation: Beyonce’s Surrogate is in Labor!)

photo of beyonce pregnant pictures photos fake baby pic
From Jezebel:

It’s Pregnancé no more because reports are coming thick and fast that Beyoncé is having her baby – with talk that she’s probably crowning this very moment! With nurses and security at New York’s St. Luke’s Roosevelt Hospital being advised to prepare themselves for a high-profile client checking in to give birth late yesterday, word on the maternity ward is that it’s none other than Mama B. Though this hasn’t been confirmed, two gossipy nurses have said that the VIP has booked out half of the Labor and Delivery Suite at the hospital – the same one where friend Alicia Keys gave birth last year.

Sure, OK. Beyonce‘s giving birth now. She wore a prosthetic bump on that awards show a few months ago to embellish her pregnancy announcement and was only, like, 12 weeks along, but she’s delivering that baby today. Or very soon. Right.

Best wishes to the woman bearing your child, Beyonce! I hope you paid her well for all of this confusion and make-believe!

Blind Item: More on Beyonce’s Fake Pregnancy

A photo of Beyonce

You guys know I just don’t call someone out for a blind item unless I have a pretty good reason to believe I’m right. And this is one of those times:

She was brought in from outside the United States. She only speaks Spanish (or Portuguese?), and has a child who is approximately Kindergarten age. She is fairly attractive, looks like she is in her late twenties, and has thick, dark brown hair and medium-colored skin. You probably wouldn’t notice her if she was walking down the street. However, it doesn’t really matter what she looks like, as she is simply the Surrogate for a baby that is a genetic combination of the soon-to-be Mom and Dad.

The Surrogate is currently living on the Lower West Side of Manhattan with her first child in a very nice apartment. She is not married, and does not really know anyone in New York, but she does want to stay here once the birth is over.  The apartment is being paid for by the Couple. The Surrogate is well-cared for by a full-time staff person and there is always a doctor or nurse on call. She looks like she is approximately eight months pregnant, and is clearly much bigger than the Mom, who is simply playing pregnant.

By the way, the Mom was physically capable of bearing her own child, but she didn’t want to “ruin” her body.

Beyonce, honey, look. I think it’s pretty safe to say that the game is over. It’s ok if you fibbed a little, just tell us, all right? We won’t be mad. You won’t get in trouble. Just tell the truth from now on, all right?

Now here’s a little something to make you feel better:

Beyonce Is Eight Months Along, Talks to Katie Couric About It

For the beginning of this story, we’re going to go ahead and assume that Beyonce is telling the truth about being pregnant, all right? We’ll get more into it in a moment, but for now, Beyonce is a delighted pregnant lady, and her precious little baby should be here in about a month’s time. Because she’s eight months pregnant:

Anyway, Beyonce was on 20/20 this past Friday, and in case you missed it, here are some highlights:

On the rumors that her pregnancy is fake: “You know there are certain things that are so far, it doesn’t even affect me. I am cool, it is so ridiculous and over the top.” In fact the “Love On Top” singer revealed that it was her mother, Tina Knowles, that needed to be calmed down the most. “She’s like ‘no one is going to talk about my gran-baby.’” she said. “I was like calm down mom, it’s OK.”

On how she announced her pregnancy: “News that is that big… it is hard to keep to yourself,” she explained to Couric. She said after that moment she finally felt free. “I felt so liberated and I could breathe and be happy. I went straight off the stage, I hugged Jay and I hugged my mom.”

On her diet: “I’ve been really conscious [about food],” she told Couric. “I’ve been trying my best not to lose control. Because I’ve met so many people that say, ‘My second baby, my third baby, I’ve learned my lesson,”‘ she explains of other mothers who struggled to lose their baby weight. “So I haven’t been going crazy. I know it’s important that I don’t lose myself.”

On her excitement: “I am so anxious I want to hold the baby!” she laughed. “The best thing is knowing that my favourite person in the world… I haven’t met them yet. It’s exciting.”

Katie Couric also tried really hard to get Beyonce to tell her if she was having a boy or a girl, but Beyonce wasn’t talking.

I just don’t know anymore, you guys. I wanted to get excited about Beyonce’s baby, I truly did. I want Beyonce’s pregnancy to be as adorable as Jessica Simpson‘s, but it’s not because it’s shrouded in lies and deceit.

I went ahead and compiled a gallery of Beyonce for you guys to look through, and I want you to tell me what you think. The first picture was taken on August 28th, the day we found out Beyonce was pregnant, and the pictures go chronologically through to November 20th, which is the latest picture we have of her. Do you see anything suspicious?

Poll: Who’s the Best Pregnant Lady?

photo of demi moore nude naked and pregnant pics
Your choices are as follows:

-Jessica Simpson (who, ahem, is probably my personal favorite). Though it hasn’t been confirmed how far along she is, I’d guess she’s about six months pregnant:

photo of pregnant hot jessica simpson pics

-Hilary Duff. I’m going to guess she’s probably about four months along. Girlfriend here has a way to go before she pops, if you know what I mean (and if you don’t, well … OK):

photo of hilary duff pregnant pics

-Beyonce. It’s debatable as to whether this woman actually is pregnant or not, but for the sake of fun, I’m willing to give her the benefit of the doubt this time. Until, at least, her bump pops and floats away. People are putting her at three, six, and eight months pregnant. I just couldn’t tell you, folks:

photo of pregnant beyonce pics

Who’s the hottest pregnant woman going?

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