Here we are, on the Monday after Super Bowl weekend, and I don’t have absolutely no freakin’ idea what the big deal was. While (what I presume would be) the majority of the American people spent yesterday in front of their TVs, binge drinking and yelling things like “ALL THE WAY, BABY!” (49ers fans), and “WHODAT! WHODAT! (Ravens fans), I enjoyed a blissfully quiet grocery shopping, prepared organic baby food, saw a game of Segway polo at the field of my local school and sat next to hubby, ate ice cream and watched him code in Python (this is the Silicon Valley).
I am not interested in football because where I come from, football is a game that you play with your feet, involves an actual ball and doesn’t require the use of heavy protective gear. Besides, American football rules are just too convoluted for me. But while football irritates me only mildly, Beyoncé is literally tap dancing on my last nerve. She performed at the Super Bowl halftime last night, a show for which she notoriously prepared to sing live, and along with about a million dollars in pyrotechnics, she blew it. She totally did! Beyoncé is arrogant, pretentious, pseudo-talented, self-righteous and phony, and nothing she could do would make me think otherwise. Unless, of course, she decides to get off her high horse and publicly admit she used a surrogate, and then stands at a street corner for an entire day, giving away free puppies to strangers as an apology for faking her pregnancy. That would be cute.
Seemingly invigorated by recent criticism of her “Star-Spangled Banner” performance, Beyoncé flaunted her supreme vocal and dancing chops throughout the halftime show. Backed by an all-female band, including a guitarist with a fire-spewing guitar, she appeared mid-field as an audio snippet of John F. Kennedy blared overhead. She opened with a tease of “Love on Top” before launching into her first solo single, “Crazy in Love,” as a crew of backing dancers stomped and shimmied in unison. Next came a sultry, horn-inflected “End of Time,” from her most recent album, 4, after which Beyoncé stood before an electronic screen depicting multiple images of herself as she got sassy to “Baby Boy.”
The spotlight may have been on Beyoncé, but her set’s biggest moment came when the singer reunited with her fellow Destiny’s Child members Kelly Rowland and Michelle Williams (the trio recently released their first single in nearly a decade, “Nuclear”). Rowland and Williams popped out on the gargantuan stage – constructed to resemble two Beyoncé faces gazing at one another – and launched into a rendition of their backside-glorifying anthem “Bootylicious” before cranking up the energy even higher with a take on “Independent Woman: Part 1,” their smash hit from the Charlie’s Angels soundtrack. The performance ended fittingly with the trio striking a pose in the form of the film’s lead crime-fighting female characters.
And my favorite part:
“Kelly, Michelle, you want to help me sing this one?” Beyoncé asked her counterparts, moments before the threesome charged into her chart-topping hit “Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It).” Then, as her former groupmates exited the stage, Beyoncé told the crowd, “I wanna feel your energy,” before closing out her set with an emotional rendition of her power ballad “Halo.” She rocked out, hair flailing and on her knees, at the lip of the stage, then collapsed on her back as the stadium lights went dark.
Apparently, they didn’t watch the same thing I did. “Popping out” is just about right when it comes to Kelly Rowland’s and Michelle Williams’s comical entrance onstage, but Beyoncé did nothing of the flaunting-supreme-vocals sort. She sounded out of breath, and her belting out only conveyed that she was trying a bit too hard. Sure, she can sing and dance, but I cannot comprehend why she always feels like she has to rub it in our face. It’s tiring and I wish she would stop.
In moments like these, though, you gotta laugh. I ignored the fact that most celebrities on Twitter were also in ecstasy over Beyoncé’s performance, and concentrated on what the real people had to say. Please allow me to share some of the gems:
“Ugh, Beyonce is so annoying. And don’t call SF “San Fran”…no one calls it that.”
“OMG FIRE BEYONCE SHUT UP!”
“Beyoncé is foot stomping like a counting horse.”
“Beyoncé forgot her pants, but THE SHOW MUST GO ON!!”
“I hope they catch fire. There’s way too much fire. BURN!”
“This performance is making me die from laughter.”
“Think we just saw Destiny’s Child reunite and breakup again over a 5 minute show…”
“Beyoncé walks like an android.”
“Beyoncé used all the electricity.”
But seriously guys, what did you think? Was that the show of the year, or we need to add Beyoncé to the list of celebs you want to take a break from?
February 4, 2013 at 4:30 am by Bobby Pfeiffer
How do we feel about it, huh? Because me, as much as I generally dislike Beyonce’s thinly veiled high and mighty demeanor, there’s one thing you can’t deny, and it’s that she’s a beautiful girl—with or without makeup.
This is Beyonce in New Orleans (my most favorite place in the whole entire world) on a break from Super Bowl halftime rehearsal with her ma, Tina Knowles. One of them is fresh-faced, demure, natural, and gorgeous. The other? Oh my goodness, not so much. I’ll let you figure out who’s who.
January 29, 2013 at 4:30 pm by Sarah
This is Beyonce’s new (leaked, incidentally) GQ cover, and frankly, I don’t think I like it all that much. Granted, Beyonce has a banging body, and no one can take that away from her, but it just seems so … well, so seedy for someone like Beyonce. Or rather, for someone like Beyonce who acts like they’re better than pretty much everyone and everything else, except for when a magazine like GQ comes a’knocking and offers a sum of money that anyone short of Angelina Jolie would be silly to pass up.
Yeah, that’s probably more accurate, I guess. While Beyonce definitely gives us the impression that she feels she’s better than all of us combined because she hangs out with the President and his wife and vacations in places I’ve never even heard of, it’s all a facade. She’s on her way out and she knows it. Yes, now that I think of it, I can totally understand why Beyonce just looks … well, simple and desperate in this cover photo, and it’s because Beyonce is kind of simple and desperate, now, isn’t she?
Don’t you just love when you’re able to talk it all out and answer your own questions?
January 9, 2013 at 10:30 am by Sarah
Oh, you haven’t heard? Yeah, because apparently Beyonce’s the goddess-est of all women in the world, and Rihanna’s not afraid to let the world know, too.
Rihanna posted this to her Twitter account earlier:
And this picture of Beyonce followed:
And I’m honestly not sure whether or not this is a joke, and for two reasons: one, yeah, B’s absolutely gorgeous—probably in the top ten or fifteen famous ladies as far as physical hotness, but this picture? This picture, despite Beyonce’s heaving cleavage, does nothing for me. Nothing. Two, Rihanna is kind of Jay-Z’s little lapdog. Wouldn’t it make sense to go hitting his wife up for some extra lovin’ and attention if she felt she were lacking in both departments?
Dunno, guys. I love Beyonce’s look as much as the next person (as long as the next person didn’t happen to be Rihanna), but I’m not getting where girlfriend’s going with this public, verbal fellatio.
August 15, 2012 at 11:30 am by Sarah
This picture is just all sorts of wrong. All sorts. Is it a real baby? Is it a doll? Does the child have a face? I don’t know. These are all questions that plague me when I get down to thinking about the notorious B.i.C. and her mama, Beyonce.
This photo was taken and posted to Beyonce’s quasi-private Tumblr page, where photos of the stars life are said to be cherry-picked to make people realize that Beyonce is a real person who lives a real life and has a “real” “chid.” But the thing that concerns me about all of this is that we never see the kid’s face. And while I realize that Beyonce is not the first celebrity to hide the faces of their children (Michael Jackson), doing this only lends credence to the rumors that Beyonce’s embarrassed that her potentially-real child has a wide nose and she and her mother, Tina, are gradually reshaping it out of the public eye, or that, you know, Blue Ivy Carter is actually what some people would consider a DOLL, and not at all real.
The second thing that has me wondering is the way Beyonce’s holding that baby. Blue Ivy is allegedly a little over eight months old, and while eight months is pretty good when it comes to development and the baby being able to hold itself upright for long periods of time, Beyonce’s holding that kid like she weighs no more than a ten-pound bag of Yukon Gold potatoes. It’s either that, or Beyonce has the world’s strongest index fingers and thumbs. It’s just awkward positioning. And she’s still so small for being eight months old. I guess that’d probably the the third odd thing about this picture. I know babies are all different sizes, and some eight-month-olds really are this small, but B.i.C. doesn’t even look like she’s grown in the past six months, especially when you compare this picture to other pictures of her and her mother. If anything, she looks smaller than she has in previous photos. Like this one:
And this one:
Bottom line? This picture, and this baby, just does not look like it’s a real thing. There’s just no f-cking way. Somebody’s doing a baby-swap, and I think that someone’s name is Beyonce.
August 13, 2012 at 10:30 am by Sarah
Remember how I just keep going on and on about Beyonce and her C-section and her pregnancy and frankly, even though it’s technically old-ass news, I just can’t seem to leave the shit alone? Well, here’s another story to add to the massive pile of “what the f-ck, Beyonce?” that we, here at Evil Beet, are in the process of creating.
As I told y’all the other day, Beyonce recently happened to mention that she lost sixty post-baby pounds in the immediate weeks following her C-section, which was this past January. She announced this business during her first post-baby show at a casino in Atlantic City, which was where the accompanying photos were taken. And that was this past weekend. And I’m not saying that Beyonce’s chunky—because she’s not. I think Beyonce’s got a beautiful, toned, enviable, kick-ass figure, and she’s not a shapeless stick. But seeing Miss Beyonce in the days leading up to her delivery, there is NO F-CKING WAY IN HELL that this woman packed on sixty pounds during her pregnancy. NOT A CHANCE. Because looking at the photo above, and the others in the gallery, Beyonce would have been MASSIVE—even bigger than Jessica Simpson was—and not that there’s anything wrong with that (you know how I feel about all that), she would have been the size of the Hindenberg in those weeks prior to her delivery. But she wasn’t. She looked like this:
Final thought? People only just started letting this “fake Beyonce pregnancy” thing go. And then girlfriend had to open her mouth about this half-a-person weight-loss garbage. Maybe girl should keep her damn mouth shut and let sleeping dogs lie, you know?
I rest my case.