8File This Under Lolz: Michelle Obama “Jealous” Of Kerry Washington

Michelle Obama, First Lady of the United States of America, is alledgedly jealous of actress and Obama appointed board member of the Creative Coaltion League and Artists Committee for Americans for the Arts, Kerry Washington. I totally forgot that Kerry Washington was involved in government programs but that still gives no plausibility to this story. And here is the alledged story: Ms. Washington is lobbying (see what I did there?) to play Michelle Obama in a film, which pisses off Michelle O, because she thinks that Washington is trying to seduce her husband, President Barack Obama. Here’s my favorite quote from a source,

Michelle was furious when she found out Kerry had been in­vited to the inauguration, and ripped into Barack, telling him, ‘Stay away from that woman!’ Her jealous rage put a damper on the inauguration festivities, but at least the meltdown took place behind closed doors.

Oh and this is great, they’re also saying that Michelle Obama got her haircut, complete with bangs, in order to get Barack’s attention. Because of course a woman can’t change her appearance just for herself, it has to be for a man.

In May of 2012, a biography of The Obamas titled, The Amateur: Barack Obama in the White House, claimed that in 2000 Michelle wanted to divorce President Obama. Can we somehow blame Kerry Washington on that, too? Maybe if we try really, really hard.

I feel like someone’s trying to make an updated Jackie Kennedy Vs. Marilyn Monroe feud but it’s not going to happen. Stop trying to make it happen.

February 13, 2013 at 4:30 pm by Catherine St. Ives

3PHOTOS: The White House After-Party

Look, it’s the President partying with a bunch of well-heeled, attractive people at the White House! If you check out the photos, which I recommend you do, obviously, you’ll see people like Alicia Keys, Swizz Beatz, John Mayer (jury’s still out on the whole well-heeled and attractive part for him), and Katy Perry. Not to mention, a few candid cameos by Michelle Obama, who is looking flawless in those bangs.

January 23, 2013 at 3:30 pm by Sarah

7Decide 2012: Celebrity Twitter Reactions

Oh man, guys. So many Tweets to go through and so little spell-check happening. But I do love celebrities, and I do love the innovation of Twitter, because there’s hardly any filter, and that’s the best part of this whole thing. Here’s a few awesome Tweets courtesy of your favorite (or most hated, depending on who it is we’re talking about) celebrities. Leave any others in the comments if I’ve missed them here.

Cher:

OMG ! IM SO HAPPY ! THIS IS ONE OF THE GREAT NITES OF MY LIFE !!!! TEARS R STREAMING DOWN MY FACE ! WOMEN WE HAVE A CHAMPION !!!

Somebody needs a pill.

Rumer Willis:

Hell Ya Obama!!!

Ya, Obama. Ya. For sure Ya. In fact, HEY YA:

Adam Levine:

That’s what happens when you f-ck with Sesame Street.

Heh. That’s pretty funny, Adam Levine, even though I pretty much hate your guts.

Eva Longoria:

Me and my friends celebrating! I’m on tears! Moving the country forward!!! Obama!!!

She’s ON tears, guys. ON ‘em.

Lady Gaga:

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHRHRGRGRGRRRGURBHJB EORWPSOJWPJORGWOIRG

Take the dick out of your mouth before you attempt to be all loquacious, Lady Gaga.

Arsenio Hall:

Crazy, loud victory sex in Obama’s Windy City master-suite tonight.

Eek.

And finally, my personal favorite, courtesy of Joan Rivers:

I pray my 68 year-old Chinese neighbor is talking politics when she says she’s looking forward to today’s erection.

So, you see, guys, politics aside, we can all agree on one thing. And that thing is this: Lady Gaga should just not be able to Tweet, alright?

November 7, 2012 at 9:30 am by Sarah

23Hey, So We Have a New/Old President Now!

And I don’t know about many of you guys, but I am thrilled to pieces. Jeez, it was like some people thought that old, crapheaded Mitt Romney was the second coming of Christ or something. But hey—I’m not going to sit around and lambaste the election-loser’s supporters, or even the election-loser himself, because one, that’s just not cool, and two, his concession speech was actually pretty nice, and thoughtful, and genuine (I think). He fought the good fight and he had a lot of support, which is saying a lot, and I respect that.

But anyway, here’s the best bits of Obama‘s win speech:

It [the furthering of America] moves forward because of you. It moves forward because you reaffirmed the spirit that has triumphed over war and depression, the spirit that has lifted this country from the depths of despair to the great heights of hope, the belief that while each of us will pursue our own individual dreams, we are an American family and we rise or fall together as one nation and as one people. … the best is yet to come.

…

I want to thank my friend and partner of the last four years, America’s happy warrior, the best vice president anybody could ever hope for, Joe Biden.

And I wouldn’t be the man I am today without the woman who agreed to marry me 20 years ago. Let me say this publicly: Michelle, I have never loved you more. I have never been prouder to watch the rest of America fall in love with you, too, as our nation’s first lady. Sasha and Malia, before our very eyes you’re growing up to become two strong, smart beautiful young women, just like your mom. And I’m so proud of you guys. But I will say that for now one dog’s probably enough.

… Despite all our differences, most of us share certain hopes for America’s future. We want our kids to grow up in a country where they have access to the best schools and the best teachers. A country that lives up to its legacy as the global leader in technology and discovery and innovation, with all the good jobs and new businesses that follow.

…

America, I believe we can build on the progress we’ve made and continue to fight for new jobs and new opportunity and new security for the middle class. I believe we can keep the promise of our founders, the idea that if you’re willing to work hard, it doesn’t matter who you are or where you come from or what you look like or where you love. It doesn’t matter whether you’re black or white or Hispanic or Asian or Native American or young or old or rich or poor, able, disabled, gay or straight, you can make it here in America if you’re willing to try.

together with your help and God’s grace we will continue our journey forward and remind the world just why it is that we live in the greatest nation on Earth.

Thank you, America. God bless you. God bless these United States.

(To read the full text, go here.)

Also, about that Mitt Romney thing I said up there? Some people can be really and truly offensive when it comes to asserting their opinions, and I’m not just talking the gossip-snark-I only mean half of what I say opinion, I’m talking some seriously offensive opinions. A family member, who will go unnamed, actually had the stones to say this to me on Facebook early this morning:

Why the hell didn’t you VOTE [FOR SOMEONE ELSE], Sarah? How sad that you supported this traitor, now we will be taxed and spent into bankruptcy, the nation will collapse, and we may very well end up under the rule of Communist China, and your children will never have the opportunity to vote. But your little sex symbol is winning, ARE YOU HAPPY!?

In kind, I responded with this:

It’s called ‘I voted for Obama because I wanted Obama to win’. Anything above and beyond that is really my business, and no one else’s, and I think it’s rather rude to assume anything else.

And hey, if you’re reading this, friend of mine, this is what I have to say—you put things on the Internet, you just never know where they might end up. Democracy in action … or something.

November 7, 2012 at 4:30 am by Sarah

7Barry O’s Ladies Did a Video Supporting Barry O

Did you guys watch last night’s Presidential Debate? Because oh man, was it bad. Matter of fact, they’ve *all* been pretty terrible, and I think that anyone who’s willing to publicly identify with either candidate so much so that they’d make a video that’s been seen on YouTube almost ten thousand times since last night is pretty brave. Don’t get me wrong. I know who I’m voting for come November 6th (hint: it’s not the guy that has “binders of women,” OK?). I just worry that the real issues aren’t being paid much attention, especially when I’m hearing things about Vice Presidential nominee Paul Ryan’s soup kitchen fiasco, and Mitt Romney‘s offshore accounts and his amended IRS returns, and of course, our very own Barry O’s comments on how American Idol is going to work out.

I worry, guys, and while I think it’s nice that women like Scarlett and Eva and Kerry are into the important issues, I don’t feel that those are the ones getting the most attention by either Presidential candidate, and that’s sad. And scary.

October 17, 2012 at 11:30 am by Sarah

11Quotables: President Obama Covers Some Important Ground

“I think that they are going to be able to sort it out. I am confident. I am all about bringing people together. Working for the same cause. So, I think that both outstanding artists are going to be able to make sure that, you know, they’re moving forward and not going backwards.”

If you were wondering whether or not President Obama, in this statement, was talking about his Vice President Joe Biden and Vice Presidential Nominee Paul Ryan getting along (especially in light of last night’s VP debate), I can vehemently negate that. No, our Barry’s talking about the ongoing feud between Nicki Minaj and Mariah Carey on ‘American Idol’, because it’s apparently important to interviewers to know where where our President stands on big, tough issues such as these.

Later, the President commented on the personal nature of his friendships—or lack thereof—with both of these women:

“Mariah, she’s actually done some events for us. I’ve gotten to know her and Nick, and she’s a wonderful lady. Nicki I don’t know, but I’ve got her on my iPod.”

Good to know, Barry. Good to know.

October 12, 2012 at 2:30 pm by Sarah