Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Anne Heche

Anne Heche Pays Big Bucks For Parenting Help

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Anne Heche is willing to pay someone $375 an hour to do what most divorced and single parents have to do on their own, for free, every day.  Anne Heche and her ex-husband Coley Laffoon have agreed to hire a parenting plan coordinator.  “What is a parenting plan coordinator?” you ask.  It’s exactly as it sounds.  This ridiculously paid person will help in coaching the two of these idiots on how to co-parent.  He or she will help resolve conflicts that arise between the exes.

I wonder how little Homer — they should have hired an infant naming specialist about seven years ago — will feel when he grows up and realizes that his parents had to pay a professional to facilitate scheduling a play date?

Anne Heche’s New Kid, and a Quick Refresher on Your Greek Mythology

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Anne Heche and her boyfriend, actor James Tupper, welcomed son Atlas Heche Tupper over the weekend.

You’ll keep in mind that Anne’s first son (with Coley Laffoon) was named Homer, and I’m going make a huge leap of faith and assume that they named him after the Greek poet and not because Homer Simpson exhibits many of the traits they’d like to see in their progeny. (Ironically, you know, amidst his vices, Homer Simpson never left his wife and family to marry Anne Heche, which is more than can be said for James Tupper or Coley Laffoon.)

The meaning of the term “atlas” actually goes a bit deeper than the maps Miss Teen South Carolina thinks we should send to The Iran. Atlas is an important character in Greek mythology — one referenced, in fact, in one of Homer’s epic poems. In The Odyssey, he calls Atlas as “one who knows the depths of the whole sea, and keeps the tall pillars who hold heaven and earth asunder”.

In previous stories, Atlas is described as a man who got tricked into bearing the weight of the heavens and earth on his shoulders.

For this kid?

I think he’ll definitely end up earning his name.

I’ve Decided That It’s Expensive Just To Be Alive

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When I originally read the financial details of Anne Heche’s divorce, I thought, “Wow, it is so expensive to be hetero.  She totally should have stuck with Ellen.”  Then I remembered the gay tax and realized that the most economically sane thing I could do is, like, have a fatal heart attack.

In a divorce that lasted more than half the length of the marriage, Anne Heche has been ordered to pay $515,000 in cash, $3,700 a month in child support and fifty percent of community property to her ex, Coley Laffoon.

The good news is that she gets 50-50 custody of her son and gets to keep her Vancouver home.  She won’t be able to afford furnishings, but she can hold onto her manse.