Well, color me clueless. Not only did I have no idea that Anna Kournikova and Enrique Iglesias were still together, but according to my most recent Google results, those two crazy cats got married back in 2008. Dude, they started dating when I was in HIGH SCHOOL. That was like a decade ago! I remember because my BFF Jen was super obsessed with Anna. I guess I just assumed they broke up sometime over the last ten years like everyone else on the planet. Time flies when you get blackout drunk four times a week!

Anyway, I pulled these pictures for you of the couple vacationing together in Miami and not just because I’m completely stunned by the fact that they’re still together. No, I pulled these photos for you because one of Anna and Enrique’s friends just couldn’t control themselves and decided to moon the cameras trying to capture every tender moment between the couple.

Who couldn’t use a little random humpday ass?

Tennis star Anna Kournikova’s mother, Alla Kournikova was put in jail on Tuesday on charges of child neglect. Police were called to Alla’s house after a neighbor saw 5-year old Allen pacing around in front of their Palm Beach house soaking wet and looking distraught. The neighbor called the police who arrived on the scene to find out that Alla had left Allen at home alone for roughly 50 minutes while she ran some errands. Bored, Allen decided to jump out of a second story window, about 15 feet from the ground. Upon landing he smashed his feet in the the sidewalk (no shoes) and decided to alleviate his pain by jumping in the pool. When the police tracked down Alla, Allen was already in recovery mode at the hospital. Alla says that Allen was left home alone on the couch with the television on and he stayed home because he didn’t want to go on the errands.

Now, I don’t know what the statute of limitations is on child neglect, but let me blow your mind for a second: My mom used to leave me home when she ran errands all the time. As early as age four, I believe. Like Alla, my mom was a single mom and it doesn’t always make a ton of sense to call a baby-sitter for a fifty minute trip to the bank, and no one was going to pry me away from my Punky Brewster. Let’s not blame this whole thing on little Allen because he does sound adorably rambunctious, but jumping off the roof and then in to the pool kinda seems like a quintessential little boy behavior, not a sign of neglect.

What angers me about this story is the neighbor. Are things so unfriendly now that the neighbor didn’t say “Hey, Allen, come over here! Where’s your mother? You want to come inside and watch TV? You want a Fig Newton?” Since when are neighbors not friends enough to do this? It’s pretty gross that it’s someone’s prerogative to have the police intervene before they talk to their neighbor’s face, that’s all I’m saying. Especially when there’s something like “child neglect” possibly going to be on someone’s record. Maybe we’ll find out that this Alla Kournikova is a horrible mother and that Allen’s roof-jumping is just the tip of the iceberg, but I’d say she did an OK job with her daughter.

Anna Kournikova, the most highly overrated tennis player that we only know of because she’s marginally attractive, got into a brawl this weekend in Vegas. 

At Lavo Nightclub, some drunk chick pushed Anna early in the night and then threw a drink on her later.  When Anna demanded the patron be thrown out, a cat fight ensued that left Kournikova with scratches around her neck.  Instead of resorting to punches, she should have just started doing some of those grunts that the female tennis players do — those things scare the hell out of me.

I think we all have a responsibility to diffuse potentially violent situations.  When some boozy floozy throws a drink on me, I just start sucking my clothes, quite honestly.  Why waste free drinks?

Anyway, Anna’s fine, I don’t care, but I do have a question:  Is she married to, divorced from, or dating Enrique Iglesias?  I’m supposed to know these things and I cannot seem to unravel this mystery!

Here’s Anna at the opening of the K-Swiss store on the Promenade in Santa Monica.

It looks like she’s curled her natural hair but left her extensions straightened, which is so bizarre to me.

And I actually kinda dig the outfit — the shape is way cool — but I can’t get over her decision to pair that damn watch with it. It’s not working for me at all.

Anyway, she’s still got killer legs, although they belong to the capable hands of Enrique Iglesias.

The award for Most Inexplicably There goes to Fred Durst, who showed up to the event sporting a gray beard. Why on earth did K-Swiss invite him? Why did he go? I just can’t imagine a washed-up rocker with a graying beard is how they want their brand represented. There’s some weird story behind this, I’m sure.