Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Angelina Jolie

Angelina Jolie on the Cover of Vanity Fair

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It must really suck to be Angelina Jolie. All of the swanky magazine covers, and all of these adorable kids that follow her around and idolize her, and then you have that man of hers, Brad Pitt, who earns just as much as she does. Ugh. I just couldn’t imagine waking up to him morning after morning after morning, could you? Jeez. What a downer. Plus to be so wildly attractive and sought-after for films. What a bleak, awful existence.

Angelina was interviewed this time for Vanity Fair, where she talked about her fame, her family, and her future with Brad Pitt. On constant speculation of the star’s every move:

[Despite recent reports, Angelina Jolie assures Vanity Fair contributing editor Rich Cohen that there is “no secret wedding” in the works for her and Pitt.] “I’m not pregnant. I’m not adopting at the moment.”

On how writing and directing her own film (The Land of Blood and Honey) changes the way she views other directors:

“Brad thinks I’m going to be a nightmare. I had such a good experience he thinks I’m going to be impatient with directors, which I already am. I get impatient with people working on a film that have their head in their hands like it’s the most complicated thing in the world.”

On Brad’s “help” during the script-editing process:

“He’d come in and say what he liked or what he didn’t understand. Like any woman, I would listen to most of it and fight a few things. He’s been so supportive. But it’s hard to separate the person that loves you from the critic, so I don’t think he’s a fair judge. People will judge for themselves. I think if you make a good movie people walk away arguing.”

Here’s another photo from the shoot. I mean, isn’t this picture just awful?

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See? Case and point. Poor, poor multi-talented, grossly gorgeous, and unfathomably blessed Angelina. What a life it must be, friends.

Forbes Releases Top-Earning Celebrity Couples List

photo of forbes highest paid couple 2011 pictures photos tom brady and gisele bundchen pics

I don’t know about you guys, but these lists always intrigue the crap out of me. These celebrity “power couples,” as they’re often referred to, bring in, like, unbelievable wads of cash annually. Jaw-dropping amounts.

I mean, this kind of money is money that I can’t even fathom having, and the craziest part is that there are people out there – both single and partnered up – who earn, like, quadruple this.

Gisele Bundchen and Tom Brady topped the list this year, bringing in just around $76 million bucks. And that’s just the reported income. You can’t tell me that there isn’t some under-the-table stuff going on somewhere there.

The rest of the list is as follows:

2. Jay-Z and Beyonce – $72 million

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3. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie – $50 million

photo of angelina jolie and brad pitt pictures photos forbes highest paid list

Jump in for the rest of the list –

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You Know Who Should Eat More? ANGELINA JOLIE.

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Now before all the weight-weirdos get all bent out of shape because I’m not “accepting” Angelina just the way she is, let it be said that I’m not insinuating that sweet old Angelina here looks bad – at all. I’m merely saying that she’s looked <i>better in the past when she had a little bit more meat on her bones. I know she’s naturally on the slender side, but it wouldn’t hurt to change it up for this year, you know?

I still think she’s one of the most beautiful women to ever exist in the history of … existence, but ffs. She’s going to be getting up there in age at some point and women of a certain age need to take care of their bones and stuff. Hers are looking a little pointy and sharp here and there, and she looks like she’d positively shatter if she accidentally fell down a flight of steps.

Oh Angelina. I’m just looking out for you, girl. Put on a few pounds and get some Boniva, OK?

Are Angelina and Brad About to Get Married?!

A photo of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt

I know, I know, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt have been talking around the whole marriage thing forever, but this time it might be for real. See, this time it’s a little different – this time, Us Weekly reports, not one, not two, but THREE different sources have all confirmed that yes, these lovebirds ARE getting married, and they’re doing it within the next few months.

You guys know me, I’m always a sucker for weddings, so of course I’m hoping this is true. And could you even imagine what Angelina’s dress would look like? There’s no doubt this wedding would be a million different kinds of magic, right?

Angelina Jolie Talks About Brad Pitt’s Massive Penis and Other Important Things

photo of brad pitt and angelina jolie cute couples pictures photos

Boy, these two are just amping up their publicity a ton these days, aren’t they? First, Brad talked about finally getting married, which caused a huge stir, and now Angelina‘s talking about the REAL important things: penis size. In an interview with the UK’s Telegraph, Angelina discusses all things from parenting, to starring with Johnny Depp in The Tourist, to how much she admires her partner Brad’s, uh, manhood:

‘I am very lucky with Brad. He is a real gentleman, but he is also a real man’s man. He’s got the wonderful balance of being an extraordinary, great, loving father, a very, very intelligent man and physically he’s a real man,’ she says, blushing slightly, ‘in all things that it means.

Jolie also counters that the loss of her mother back in 2007 is still a very sore, raw subject:

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Quotables: Brad Pitt Drops a BOMB

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“The kids ask about marriage. It’s meaning more and more to them. So it’s something we’ve got to look at.”

Remember back when Brad claimed “Angie and I will consider tying the knot when everyone else in the country who wants to be married is legally able”? Well it looks like those adorable kids of his are wearing him down.

So, oh SNAP. A Brad Pitt-Angelina Jolie wedding? Could you IMAGINE this business? Could you imagine the reaction from Jennifer Aniston (I know, low blow, but don’t dare tell me that it didn’t remotely occur to you for even just a second)? Would it be the wedding of the decade? The century? Would you pay to see this go down?

Chaz Bono Really Needs to STFU

photo of shiloh jolie-pitt boy pictures photos transgender pics

Remember, like, a week ago I included a link in one of our partner roundups claiming that Chaz Bono wanted to get together with Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt’s ‘gender-bending’ daughter, Shiloh, in order to give her some confidence-boosting gems of insight and maybe some direction on who the best sex reassignment surgeons in LA are?

Well it turns out mama Angie isn’t having any of it. In a reveal to OK! magazine, a source close to Jolie claims she was pissed:

Angelina Jolie fumed when she was told that Chaz Bono had spoken about her daughter Shiloh in an interview.

“Angie really feels that her kids are off-limits,” says an insider. “People have been openly discussing Shiloh’s sexuality for a while, simply because she dresses like a tomboy. It’s ridiculous. She’s not even 5 and she’s already labeled as having a gender crisis? It’s upsetting to them – it would be to any parent.”

Angelina resents the attention Shiloh’s tomboy ways have attracted. “The way she sees it is that it’s perfectly normal for little girls to be tomboys when they’re that age,” says an insider.

First of all, that’s absolutely right – this LITTLE CHILD is FOUR YEARS OLD. Could you imagine what a gender identity conversation with a four-year-old would be like? No? Well I’ll explain it to you, because I have a three-year-old: it’d be like trying to explain the intricacies of Darwin’s Theory of Natural Selection, or the concept of dark matter. Seriously. Like, it’d go over that well.

My daughter wears Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles sweatshirts with tutus, sneakers, and bows in her hair. She plays with dirt and Matchbox cars along with her baby dolls, pretend makeup kit, and Dora ballerina dress-up clothes. She’s obsessed with farming equipment, fire trucks, and tea parties with her stuffed animals. Her current favorite toy? A play toolbox complete with drillbits and drill. IT’S ALL NORMAL.

I know, Chaz, that you’re probably, like, desperate for fame, but aiming at a kid (and trying to give a child advice who’s so young that they probably still dream of the womb) is just ridiculous. You just need to keep your unsolicited advice to way-underage children to yourself, you bitch bastard.