Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Angelina Jolie

Angelina Jolie Talks About Brad Pitt’s Massive Penis and Other Important Things

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Boy, these two are just amping up their publicity a ton these days, aren’t they? First, Brad talked about finally getting married, which caused a huge stir, and now Angelina‘s talking about the REAL important things: penis size. In an interview with the UK’s Telegraph, Angelina discusses all things from parenting, to starring with Johnny Depp in The Tourist, to how much she admires her partner Brad’s, uh, manhood:

‘I am very lucky with Brad. He is a real gentleman, but he is also a real man’s man. He’s got the wonderful balance of being an extraordinary, great, loving father, a very, very intelligent man and physically he’s a real man,’ she says, blushing slightly, ‘in all things that it means.

Jolie also counters that the loss of her mother back in 2007 is still a very sore, raw subject:

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Quotables: Brad Pitt Drops a BOMB

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“The kids ask about marriage. It’s meaning more and more to them. So it’s something we’ve got to look at.”

Remember back when Brad claimed “Angie and I will consider tying the knot when everyone else in the country who wants to be married is legally able”? Well it looks like those adorable kids of his are wearing him down.

So, oh SNAP. A Brad Pitt-Angelina Jolie wedding? Could you IMAGINE this business? Could you imagine the reaction from Jennifer Aniston (I know, low blow, but don’t dare tell me that it didn’t remotely occur to you for even just a second)? Would it be the wedding of the decade? The century? Would you pay to see this go down?

Chaz Bono Really Needs to STFU

photo of shiloh jolie-pitt boy pictures photos transgender pics

Remember, like, a week ago I included a link in one of our partner roundups claiming that Chaz Bono wanted to get together with Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt’s ‘gender-bending’ daughter, Shiloh, in order to give her some confidence-boosting gems of insight and maybe some direction on who the best sex reassignment surgeons in LA are?

Well it turns out mama Angie isn’t having any of it. In a reveal to OK! magazine, a source close to Jolie claims she was pissed:

Angelina Jolie fumed when she was told that Chaz Bono had spoken about her daughter Shiloh in an interview.

“Angie really feels that her kids are off-limits,” says an insider. “People have been openly discussing Shiloh’s sexuality for a while, simply because she dresses like a tomboy. It’s ridiculous. She’s not even 5 and she’s already labeled as having a gender crisis? It’s upsetting to them – it would be to any parent.”

Angelina resents the attention Shiloh’s tomboy ways have attracted. “The way she sees it is that it’s perfectly normal for little girls to be tomboys when they’re that age,” says an insider.

First of all, that’s absolutely right – this LITTLE CHILD is FOUR YEARS OLD. Could you imagine what a gender identity conversation with a four-year-old would be like? No? Well I’ll explain it to you, because I have a three-year-old: it’d be like trying to explain the intricacies of Darwin’s Theory of Natural Selection, or the concept of dark matter. Seriously. Like, it’d go over that well.

My daughter wears Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles sweatshirts with tutus, sneakers, and bows in her hair. She plays with dirt and Matchbox cars along with her baby dolls, pretend makeup kit, and Dora ballerina dress-up clothes. She’s obsessed with farming equipment, fire trucks, and tea parties with her stuffed animals. Her current favorite toy? A play toolbox complete with drillbits and drill. IT’S ALL NORMAL.

I know, Chaz, that you’re probably, like, desperate for fame, but aiming at a kid (and trying to give a child advice who’s so young that they probably still dream of the womb) is just ridiculous. You just need to keep your unsolicited advice to way-underage children to yourself, you bitch bastard.

Man, Wouldn’t it Be So Poetic if Brad Pitt Was Cheating on Angelina Jolie?

photo of star magazine cover brad pitt and angelina jolie divorce pictures

Now, before we even open this delicious can of worms, let it be known that the source is Star magazine, and 99.9% of their ‘stories’ are about as legit as the ones I tell when I’m whacked out on Tylenol PM at nine o’clock at night. But this? Was way too much fun to pass up.

Sources at the magazine are claiming that Brad Pitt is hooking up with co-star Bella Heathcote, a new find for the movie Cogan’s Trade (which sounds like it’s gonna suck, but is being filmed in New Orleans, so there’s some redeeming things going on there), and that Angelina caught the two of them naked in Brad’s trailer, probably about to get it on.

I don’t know about you guys, but I’ve always been pulling for Brad. I think he’d be wicked fun to party with, and I also think he’s got way more talent than people give him credit for. To a lot of people, he’s ‘Angelina’s partner,’ or ‘that dude that Angelina drags along to third- and fourth-world countries.’ But Angelina? Frankly, she’s gotten kind of boring over the last few years. I mean, her save the world campaign is going fairly great, and she does a lot of awesome and respectable things as an ambassador, but for the gossip rags? She’s about as interesting as, I don’t know, Lyle Lovett. Right? I know.

Anyway, this could be super-awesome, and it could unfold the way that I want (Brad jaunting around the gas-lit streets of New Orleans, kicking up his heels and partying with a hot young thing who wants nothing more than a piece of Pitt peen), or it could be a total wash. I’m hoping for the former, but hey. We’ll be realistic: Angelina carried Billy Bob Thornton‘s blood in a vial around her neck; this time around, she carries Brad’s PENIS in a jar. And that, my friends, is why this could just never be.

Angelina Jolie Wants a Whole New Face, Apparently

photo of angelina jolie licking blood off of her lips pictures

According to the not-so-credible National Enquirer, Angelina Jolie is tired of her seriously gorgeous face and is ready for a new one. The source who spoke to them said that Angelina is so freaked out by the idea of aging that she wants to nip it in the bud and trade in her current face for a new one. A nose job, an eye lift, and a mini face lift are on the actresses list of dream surgeries. The source also added that Angie’s boyfriend Brad Pitt is not too keen on the idea.

While an actresses’ neuroticism would never shock me, I can’t see Angelina being the type to do this thing to herself. She’s no Rose McGowan or Meg Ryan, ya know? It’s as if being exceptionally beautiful has always just been a bonus for her, something she barely seems to notice or care about. If she was so vain, why would she have done heroin and dyed her hair that cheap black color for so long? Then again, bitches be crazy and who knows what Angelina’s like behind closed doors. She could be as big of a basketcase when it comes to her appearance as a high school girl and potentially way worse.

How crazy would it be for Angelina Jolie to have her face surgically reconstructed?
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Angelina Jolie Has A Velvet Problem

A photo of Angelina Jolie

So Angie’s out promoting The Tourist, and Brad was promoting Megamind there for a bit, so the couple has been out and about a lot recently.  I posted about the first time this happened, and I got my feelings out, and everything was good. Then it happened again, and I was mildly unsettled, but I ignored it.  Then it happened again, and I was going to address the issue, but I think Ryan Gosling was being beautiful that day.  But then this happened.  And by “this,” I mean that ridiculous dress you see above.  And that’s when I knew it would be criminal to ignore this any longer.

Have you ever met anyone who had a velvet problem?  It’s pretty disconcerting.  I mean, I can take a blazer every now and then, but harem pants and a dress with built in gloves? It’s gone way too far.  And you can disagree all you want, you can say that I’m making something out of nothing, that’s fine, but if you do, then you’re part of the problem just look at the pictures of Brad.

Love It or Leave It: Angelina and Brad’s Mutual Disdain for Color

If there’s one thing I hate, it’s got to be when people wear different shades of black.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m also against other things, like rudeness and Nazis, but I really think this has got to be my least favorite thing.  Additionally, this giant orgy of texture is just too much – leather, velour (I refuse to acknowledge the existence of velvet harem pants, that’s just too egregious a use of velvet), some sheer sequins shenanigans, and I think I see linen.  It’s nonsense is what it is.

Despite my strong feelings, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie made the choice to dress this way for the Paris premiere of Megamind yesterday.  And that hurts, it does, but it’s ok.  If Brad Pitt is in a place in his 47-year-old life where he feels the need to wear leather pants in public, then there’s obviously something more important going on here.  Really, the last time I saw someone wear leather pants out into the world with no motorcycle involved was this wasted girl at the gay bar who fought through her hiccups to let me know that she felt butterflies in her tummy (and trust me, you’ve never known regret until you get a series of voicemails from a woman who sounds like Eeyore on a meth binge), and that is not something you want to emulate.