Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Abigail Breslin

So, Um, When Is Abigail Breslin Going to Be Old Enough for Me to Make Fun of What She’s Wearing?

Abigail Breslin

And also her hair and makeup?

I’m just looking for a ballpark figure here.

15? 16? I mean, do you really have to wait until a kid’s 18 when she’s already been nominated for an Oscar? Doesn’t that shit make her fair game a little sooner? We were allowed to make fun of Anna Paquin’s teeth back in ’94, weren’t we?

Because, like, if I were allowed to make fun of Abigail Breslin at this tender age, I would note that her hair is a better fit for, say, the Little Miss Sunshine pageant than a Los Angeles fundraiser. And that if you’re going to put that much makeup on a 12-year-old — which is a bad idea to begin with — you need to bite the bullet and get her some eyelashes, too. And the boots? I can’t even talk about the boots right now. I want to talk about the boots. I just can’t talk about the boots. Please talk about the boots for me.

At a benefit party hosted by Animal Fair magazine this weekend.

Dakota Would’ve Done It!

Abigail Breslin recently told the LA Times that she — gasp! — didn’t cut her hair to play a short-haired girl in Kit Kittredge: An American Girl. Rather, she donned a short-haired wig.

“I really don’t know if I could handle having my own hair really short, but wearing the wig was fun. It didn’t really feel that different but felt like I was wearing a hat. But I’d never do that to my real hair, because I like putting it in a ponytail. I really don’t like short hair.”

The nerve! Silly Abigail, now no one’s going to take you seriously as an actress. You know what you should do? Sign on to a film where you’ll get raped on screen. That’s what the real pre-teen actresses do.

And I really don’t know why I so enjoy pitting Abigail Breslin against Dakota Fanning. It’s probably pretty cruel and immature of me to pit two pre-pubescent girls against each other (yeah, Dakota’s 14, but she still looks to be miles from puberty), but it amuses me to no end. Also, nothing else is going on right now. This election needs to hurry up and be over, pronto.

Gossip Fodder in Training

Abigail Breslin Leaving the Ivy, Pictures, Photos

Here’s little Abigail Breslin leaving the Ivy last night.

I don’t understand what is on her arms.

At first I was like, “Oh my gosh! Did she break her wrist?!” and then I was like, “Oh, no, those things are supposed to be cool.”

Whatever. I still like her better than Dakota Fanning.

Abigail Breslin Is Now Fully Licensed to Sell You Cookies

Abigail Breslin Inducted into Girl Scouts of USA, Pictures, Photos

Abigail Breslin was inducted into the Girl Scouts in what appears to be a publicity stunt for her new film, Nim’s Island.

Dude, I’d totally forgotten about Girl Scouts. I was a Girl Scout. I remember the other girls and I, in, like, second grade, would go door-to-door all around the neighborhood selling cookies. Yup, just two or three short-skirted eight-year-olds, naively ringing doorbells, devoid of any adult supervision. Were there fewer child rapists around those days or were our parents just less aware of their existence? Today, girls sit in front of the Best Buy, practically bodyguarded by their mothers, or else the parents just drag the stupid cookie sheets into their work and pressure all their coworkers to buy a bunch.

My mom made me watch videos of when I was a little girl the other day. I’m talking, like, four years old, and I’m climbing up huge trees and jungle gyms and falling down flat on my ass and then getting up and trying again. No one is, you know, putting down the video camera to check to make sure I’m okay after falling ten feet out of a tree. I was horrified! I was like, “Mom! You just let me keep falling like that?” and she was like “Eh, it was a different time. And you turned out okay, didn’t you?”

I don’t know where I’m going with this. I don’t know what Girl Scouts is today, but I imagine it’s nothing like when I was a kid. When I was a little girl, you earned your right to be a Girl Scout. With your blood, sweat and tears, not by starring in some pansy-ass fantasy film. We had Arts and Crafts, beyotch, not Craft Services. Abigail Breslin better get her ass on the street and sell some fucking cookies if she wants to wear that sash with any pride.

Nah, I’m kidding. GSA (I guess it’s not even GSA anymore … they’re the Girls Scouts of the USA now) is a fantastic organization that does a lot of good work toward building confidence and leadership skills in young women. Learn more here.

Dakota Fanning Refuses to Go Bald for Her Art

dakota_elle.jpg

Dakota Fanning has dropped out of the film she was to star in with her kid sister, Elle, My Sister’s Keeper. In the film, Dakota and Elle were to play on-screen sisters in the story about a young girl who sues for emancipation from her parents after she learns she was only conceived as a genetic match for her sister who is dying of some illness.

The role would have required Dakota to shave her head, which she reportedly refused to do, and she took her sister with her.

Seriously? They couldn’t have just gotten her a bald cap?

Dakota will be replaced by Abigail Breslin, and Elle will be replaced by Sofia Vassilieva.