0Quotables: Joan Rivers Rips on Goldie Hawn, Betty White

“She’s been pulled so tight, they say, that when she swallows she has an orgasm.”

—Joan Rivers gives David Letterman the inside scoop on Goldie Hawn’s plastic surgery.

Oh gosh. When I read this, I screamed. I literally screamed. It’s gems like these…! I’m telling you, there’s a reason Joan Rivers is America’s second-best living insult comic. (As for Melissa Rivers? Well, I am forever grateful to her for signing my Los Angeles Avengers Arena football.)

But Joan wasn’t done, going on to insinuate that Betty White slept her way to the top.

“She is known in the business as ‘Bendover Betty,’” Rivers announces. Letterman looks genuinely embarrassed. Come on, Dave! I thought everyone knew, at least in her prime, Betty White was a man-eater on the prowl. And—while you wouldn’t guess it from her Password appearances—Betty White will do nudity. Will she ever! She is a sex panther! My last boyfriend slowly worked his way through the 2011 Betty White pin-up calendar, and all I can say is, yowza.

Elsewhere, Rivers admitted she pulled a Whitney Houston joke from a recent episode of E! Fashion Police:

“Once somebody’s dead [we pull it],” she said, “That’s why I won’t do a Betty White joke, because I’m so scared.”

Bam! Pow! If I were Betty, I’d be terrified of Joan Rivers.

February 17, 2012 at 6:30 am by Jenn

2Happy Birthday, Betty White!

Oh, Betty. Words simply cannot express what you mean to me. But on this day, January 17th, 2012, you turn 90, so I feel like I’m obligated to try.

The first memory that I have of you is, of course, as Rose on Golden Girls, and what a magnificent memory it is. My older sister sometimes watched this wonderful block of programming on Lifetime that consisted of alternating between episodes of Golden Girls and Designing Women, and I always used to sneak in and watch them with her. I didn’t understand a lot of what was going on, as five-year-olds aren’t typically extremely aware of menopause jokes, but I knew that, without a doubt, you were always my favorite. Ok, ok, there was a time when it was Dixie Carter, but I always came back to you, Betty, I swear!

One time the social worker came to our house to see how my brother was doing after his latest stay at the juvenile hall, and it was one of the days that I decided that instead of reading books to my stuffed animals or taking my dolls for a wagon ride through the backyard, I wanted to sit four inches away from the television and watch some Golden Girls. My mom tried to get me to go somewhere else, but I was a sassy five-year-old, and I wanted what I wanted. The social worker asked if Golden Girls was appropriate programming for such young children, and my mom got flustered, and then I didn’t get to watch Golden Girls anymore. Though I did still sneak out of my bedroom at night and peek through my sister’s door when she and my brother were watching Nightmare on Elm Street, so who’s the real winner here, social worker?

But this isn’t about the nightmares that I got when I fell asleep in the hallway watching scary movies through cracks in doors. This is about you, Betty. This is about you and all you’ve done in your 90 years on this earth …

(more…)

January 17, 2012 at 5:30 pm by Emily

1Watch This: Betty White Is STILL “Still Hot”

You’ve heard the song! You’ve seen the photos! Now watch the music video!

Here’s Betty White, this time in delicious .flv form, in an epic diva-off with English pop star Luciana.

Last time I covered Betty’s version of Luciana’s “I’m Still Hot,” it didn’t occur to me to listen to the lyrics too carefully. Shame on me! The video is for Lifeline, a program that allows you to sell your life insurance policy off in exchange for beaucoup bucks (it’s something only the terminally ill used to be able to do). Wow! And if this video is to be trusted, you can frivol your insurance away on a mountain of pectorally undulating Rocky Horrors and, also, on that velour tracksuit you’ve always wanted. Of course!

Disturbing message aside, this video is really kind of cute.

October 13, 2011 at 4:30 am by Jenn

0Listen to This: Betty White Raps, Is “Still Hot”

Oh, Betty White. I get the shtick. You’re nearly 90 years old, but you’re still spry, and you always have that mean twinkle in your eye. We all titter anytime you say something lewd in that tinkling, silvery voice of yours.

But actions speak louder than words, madam, and you’ve demonstrated over and over again that you’re “still hot.” We know you are! There’s no need to reassure us!

I guess I just don’t see the benefit in cutting a dance track emphasizing how “hot” Betty White still is. I realize that Ms. White will dutifully promote the ish out of herself, by any means necessary, and making a cameo in Luciana’s dance hit “I’m Still Hot” is one way to widen her appeal.

But “rapping grandma” has been done before, and it’s almost always agist and uncomfortable. I don’t know—something about tricking an old woman into rapping seems exploitive. Is it just me? Have I finally lost my sense of humor? Maybe I can go borrow a new sense of humor from Betty.

Shooting the music video with singer Luciana:

September 26, 2011 at 11:30 am by Jenn

3This Has to Stop (But I’ll Post One Last Thing About Linda Hamilton)

This thing with the annual Marine Corps Ball? It has to stop. Seriously. After this final YouTube video proposal, I’m done. I now wash my hands of this whole affair. Probably.

To quickly recapitulate: a Marine asked Mila Kunis to the annual Marine Corps Ball. She accepted. So a Lady Marine asked Justin Timberlake to a different Marine Corps Ball. With bells on! he said. Then, another Marine asked Betty White to the ball. DENIED. Denied by Betty White!

And actress Linda Hamilton will not stand for it. At least, I think this is really Linda Hamilton? It sure sounds like her. Radar and Movieline both seem to think this is really Linda Hamilton. Yes, this is probably really Linda Hamilton.

So here is Linda Hamilton, begging Sgt. Ray Lewis to take her to the Ball, and I mean begging. And—you’ll like this part—she opens her plea with a clip from her Terminator 2 days, showing Sarah Connor doing chin-ups. (Sgt. Lewis introduced his Betty White video proposal with chin-ups as well, see.)

Will the sergeant accept Linda Hamilton’s proposition? “You are amazing,” he tweeted, presumably to Ms. Hamilton, but he didn’t outright accept or decline. Maybe he’s holding out for a date with an even higher-profile celebrity: “dude I have gotten dozens of offers over the last couple hrs!” he reported cryptically.

July 20, 2011 at 4:30 am by Jenn

0Update: Betty White a No-Go, Apologizes Classily

I have some depressing news. I don’t even know what to say, you guys. This is really difficult for me.

Betty White will not be attending the annual Marine Corps Ball.

I KNOW. I thought for sure Sgt. Ray Lewis had a lock on this, because his YouTube proposal was darling. But Ms. White has other commitments.

Still, her rejection letter was a class act. From Access Hollywood:

“I am deeply flattered and truly appreciate the invitation, as everyone knows I love a man in uniform… but unfortunately I cannot accept, as I will be taping an episode of Hot In Cleveland,” White said in a statement to Access Hollywood.

She signed her statement, “Love, Betty White.”

Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake, however, will still accompany their respective dates to their respective balls as planned.

“Marines have a lot of balls,” Kunis said.

While Justin added, “We want to pay honor to our country and embrace their balls.”

In the meantime, Sgt. Lewis is disappointed but unruffled: “Fifteen minutes was great!” he tweeted.

July 19, 2011 at 6:30 am by Jenn