Hey, Happy Belated New Year! Did you guys watch the ball drop this past Monday night? Gosh, I didn’t even make it to 10:30 this year, but I guess when you have the stomach flu, that’s to be expected. I spent more time in the bathroom this weekend than really anywhere else, so when I heard that Kathy Griffin was all but fellating Anderson Cooper on CNN, I felt really, really good about where I’d virtually rung in the New Year.
Reportedly, Kathy thought it’d be cute and funny to pretend to go down on Anderson while they attempted to talk about the holiday. It all started off by Kathy threatening to “tickle” Anderson’s “sack,” to which an embarrassed Anderson giggled nervously. Kathy responded that saying the word “sack” on national television was completely OK, and immediately after the ball dropped (no pun intended), Kathy repeatedly kissed Anderson’s crotch area (again, for the world to see) as the citizens of Eastport, Maine, kissed a statue of a sardine as per tradition. Her defense? She was kissing her own sardine statue. You know. No big deal.
In short? Kathy Griffin is a lewd, crude bitch who is only funny in certain circles, and I don’t know how—at all—people could really consider putting her on live television. It’s not like it’s the first time that she’s gone and pulled stunts like this. Did she strip down to her bra and underwear last year on the New Year’s show, also alongside Anderson Cooper? Because she definitely did.
I take lots of naps. Actually I feel really good. This New Year is just about being happy and healthy and that’s what I plan on doing. I wouldn’t say that pregnancy has been easy but there’s been no morning sickness. When people say pregnancy is fun and they love it, I would disagree. I think from this stage on it does become easier and funner but it’s just adjusting. … Even my sister has made it look so easy and it’s not as easy as people think. It’s a little painful, there’s a lot of growing pains. But I’ve heard it’s all worth it so I’m looking forward to that. I’m craving sushi, but I know I can’t really have it, so I’m eating a lot of carrots and celery with lots of ranch.
—Kim Kardashian on what a huge, huge change carrying a fetus inside of her body is from the days of getting peed on … but wait, wait for it—she’s probably going to have to get re-used to that whole peeing-on thing in a few short months because, yes, babies. That’s what they do.
Funny thing is, Kim is allegedly around twelve weeks pregnant, and I’m all sorts of concerned that even up until last week, she was wearing clothes like this:
How can that even be comfortable at eleven weeks along? That little tiny bulge in Kim’s midsection? Is that a fetus foot I see? It’s no wonder she’s feeling a bit out of sorts—oxygen deprivation will do that to you, and gosh, imagine what it probably does to a poor, unborn baby. Crazy things happening all over the place, guys, but heck. At least we have lots of ranch. Thank God for small favors!
And on New Year’s Eve, too, just like everyone said. Go figure—it actually happened this time.
Anyway, this is Crystal Harris and her newly (even more) jacked face on her wedding day to poor, frail Hugh Hefner, who I’m starting to pity more and more as the days go by. That dress sure is pretty though, huh?
The couple got married at the Playboy mansion earlier this week, and this is what Hugh the Man had to say about his newest blushing bride:
“Crystal & I married on New Year’s Eve in the Mansion with Keith as my Best Man … Love that girl!”
Which, hey. Sure. I guess when you’re going to be eighty-seven years old, you should be pretty thankful and happy for anything that happens to you, because really, at that age especially, you never do know which life event is going to be your last. With Hugh at almost ninety years old, this could very well be his final wedding. I mean, it probably won’t be, but there’s always that chance that Crystal Harris could be the bride that inherits the fruits of the whole Playboy empire. Can you even imagine?
This is Eddie, LeAnn, and Lizzy upon arrival at Cabo San Lucas yesterday after their quick jaunt to Nashville. I’m with commenter ‘Guest’ when I ask, “Why does LeAnn have to bring Lizzy on every trip that she and Eddie take?”
The funny thing is that the couple (Eddie and LeAnn, not Eddie and Lizzy or Lizzy and LeAnn) are in Cabo for a “romantic vacation,” but why bring Lizzy? Is she going to watch Eddie’s children while Eddie and LeAnn do romantic couple things, or is there something more happening here? … Oh. What’s that? The kids aren’t even on this particular leg of the couple’s vacation? Right. I don’t know why Lizzy’s even there, then.
Anyway. Don’t LeAnn and Eddie both look so happy? I know this is the kind of face I’d be wearing if I were about to embark on a fun vacation in sunny, warm Mexico. Duh.
So what are we guessing here, four months pregnant? Three? I know that pregnant ladies who were pregnant almost immediately prior to becoming pregnant again sometimes have that extra-big, extra-early belly happening (I mean, even Jess’s boobs might be pregnant this time around), but I don’t really think that Jess could be any further than four months, if even three.
Either way, she does look pretty great. I wonder how things are going to turn out in the end for her, and if Weight Watchers is going to put her back in cuffs and shackles the moment her new baby is born, you know? So many things to consider here, guys.
And God, I hate myself for even saying this, but doesn’t she look good here? With the obvious exception of that horrific coat she’s wearing, Lindsay looks good, and I don’t even know how that can be possible despite all of the things that she’s done to her face and her nose and her hair and her teeth.
Lindsay, as I mentioned yesterday, is taking up space in London, and for what? Well, some sources are saying it’s to be “close” to her “boyfriend,” Max George of the Wanted, and others are saying, “Because she has no real friends anywhere in the U.S., so why not try abroad?” One thing is for sure—Lindsay’s telling people that she’s, like, totally staying in this New Year’s Eve, because she has positively no interest in getting herself into any kind of situation where she might have to punch a girl in the face, snort some cocaine off of a toilet seat, or give road head to the Wanted’s limo driver in exchange for some real face time with the band. Sources say that she’s planning on a “small, quiet dinner in London” preceding an intimate gathering at her hotel, strictly for family and friends.
Happy New Year, Lindsay Lohan. Can’t wait to see what kind of f-ckery you have in store for us this time around.