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4David Bowie Is Making “Old Bump-And-Grind Stripper Music”

A photo of David Bowie

Last week, my boyfriend did this thing where he said “hey, can I talk to you for a minute?” And because I do this thing where I worry about every single thing that ever happens in my life (by the way, when I was talking to my therapist about this, do you know what she said? She said “just stop.” Seriously? And when she made me tell her about all the things I do to keep from worrying, she said “yeah, just stop.” And I was like “if I could just stop, I probably would have by now,” because come on, seriously?), I freaked out. But all he said was “you don’t seem too excited about that new Bowie album, is everything ok?” And I laughed, and the worry left my heart. And the wonder crept in.

It’s a new Bowie album, guys. David Bowie recorded new music, and he’s releasing it in March. That’s huge. I’ve loved that man for as long as I can remember, but I’ve just come to accept that I was just born in the wrong decade to be a truly gratified Bowie fan. At the tender age of 16, I started the long, hard road to acceptance. I told myself that I would never, ever, not ever, get to experience another Bowie album. I’d heard all there was to hear, and I resigned myself to that cruel fact.

What I’m saying is that I still can’t even believe this is happening. Maybe next month I’ll start being visibly excited about it. Maybe that will be the time that I start crying uncontrollably and shaving off my eyebrows as a show of dedication. But right now, I’m still in shock.

But just to pile onto this madness, we’re now learning about what’s going to be Bowie’s second single from the album. It’s a song called “Dirty Boys,” and his producer, Tony Visconti, had this to say about it:

“Dirty Boys, the second song on The Next Day, is dark and sexy … like stripper music from the 1950s. Old bump-and-grind stripper music… It wouldn’t be out of place on Young Americans.”

Oh, ok, so that’s just the best thing I’ve ever heard in my whole entire life. No big deal.

January 17, 2013 at 2:30 pm by Emily
Filed Under: David Bowie

7Nicki Minaj Is A Diva And Now She Doesn’t Have A Hairstylist

A photo of Nicki Minaj

I am sorry, but Nicki Minaj is just the worst. She really is. There was the time that she threw a fit because the grass outside of a dressing room was too long to walk on. And that time that she told her own fans that they should “eat shit and die.” And that time that she and her boyfriend yelled awful things at a maid and then pushed her around. The. Worst.

She’s so bad that her hairstylist and wig guy, Terrence Davidson, decided to quit. Here’s his statement:

“I’ve decided to step away as hair stylist and wig creator for Nicki Minaj. It has been an amazing experience offering me a chance to express my creativity and exhibit my love for the art form of wig design.”

Nobody from Nicki’s camp has commented on this yet, but I don’t really think this is a great situation. I mean, just think of how great of a position this guy was in. He has a love for wig design, and he worked personally for Nicki Minaj. Can you think of anyone else that famous who wears that many innovative wigs? Because I sure can’t. But he gave it up. Probably because Nicki is the worst.

January 17, 2013 at 12:30 pm by Emily
Filed Under: Nicki Minaj

34Quotables: Elizabeth Banks Just Pissed Everyone Off

A photo of Elizabeth Banks

“Two is very different from one. When you have one kid, you feel like you can jet set around and you can throw him on the hip and you get your life done. You don’t realize how easy one is until you have two. Now I’m really a mom. Oh, I am a mom now! This is for serious – I am responsible for two people now.”

- Elizabeth Banks explains that she was not really a mother until she was the mother of two children.

Oh, Elizabeth. Oh, girl, no. Take it back.

And to make matters worse, Elizabeth also told a story about how hard it was to take her two children on vacation for ten whole days with only the help of her husband. Can you even imagine?

“[We] had no help, no nannies, no babysitters. It was crazy. You forget how difficult it is to wake up in the middle of the night, how exhausting it is. I lost all my nails. I did dishes and cleaned bottles for 10 days so I lost all those nails!”

Stop, Elizabeth Banks. Stop right now. I don’t want to hear anything else about your hardships. I’d like to be a mother myself one day, but your tales of vacations without nannies and lost fingernails just makes me rethink everything. It’s like, who knew that parenting could be that hard?

January 17, 2013 at 11:30 am by Emily
Filed Under: Elizabeth Banks

9Kim Kardashian Needs You to Shut Up About The Whole Kris Humphries Thing

A photo of Kim Kardashian

“It’s like, so old news. I’m technically, like, legally married, and I’m like, pregnant, but some other, like, man got me pregnant. Like, not my husband. Like, yeah, ha, like, ha. Hilarious, guys. Like, so hilarious. Whatever.”

Ok, now just imagine that line said in a weird, drawn out, sort of nasally voice. That’s basically what this whole entire interview with Kim Kardashian is about.

She did an appearance on a radio show, along with Kourtney Kardashian, and of course everyone wanted to talk about her crazy situation. Here are some of the things that she said:

“He’s [Kris Humphries] … suing me for an annulment … He’s claiming that I [committed fraud] … Who would ever do that? It’s just not who I am. All those fake and fraud rumors got started because of that, and we have to deal with that and handle that.”

Oh, except all those “fake and fraud rumors” started about two seconds after her sex tape was “leaked.”  But who’s keeping track?

“I would have rather ended it when I felt that way, than waste a year of my life not being happy,” she says. “But for him, too. I knew the whole world was going to bash me. I knew that. I said to myself, ‘What’s more important? My life and my happiness, or what the whole world thinks of me?’ [Staying married] would be vain. That would be fake. That would be doing it for publicity.”

Well, her life and happiness need to do some serious thinking the next time they make a huge commitment so that they don’t change their minds a few weeks later.

“If anyone [only] knew all the fertility problems and the things that I was going through,” she says. “God brings you things at a time when you least expect it. I’m such a planner and this was just meant to be. What am I going to? Wait years to get a divorce? I’d love one.It’s a process.”

Wait, what?  How did she knew she was having all these fertility problems?  I thought that fertility problems only showed themselves when you were trying to get pregnant, is that right?  Unless she has some other condition that makes pregnancy hard, I think that means she tried to have a baby before?   I’m really not sure with this one, I’m just wondering when she would have found out about her fertility problems.

“I just don’t like all the jokes. Things ‘longer than Kim’s marriage.’ Technically I’m still married, so that joke doesn’t really work … Give it up, people.”

Uh, that doesn’t make it sound better, Kim.  You think you just gave yourself the upper hand, but you really, really didn’t.

January 17, 2013 at 5:30 am by Emily
Filed Under: Kim Kardashian

6Lindsay Lohan Probably Isn’t A Prostitute, Maybe

A photo of Lindsay Lohan

I just don’t know what to think, you guys. This is hard. Is Lindsay a prostitute? Is she not a prostitute? She’s so misunderstood. Just like her dad.

Because here’s what happened: there was this new story all about how Lindsay is getting paid to go on dates with rich dudes. Or, ok, obviously the story wasn’t new, but this quote from Michael Lohan was:

“She is getting paid to date rich men. Dina is pimping her out – it’s disgusting!”

But just shut your stupid mouths, because he never, ever said that, ok? Not ever. Not in a million years. SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP.

From TMZ:

Lindsay Lohan is NOT banging rich dudes for money … despite reports she’s a highly paid escort — so says her father.

Michael Lohan is quoted in the reports in question, saying Lindsay is “getting paid to date rich men.” According to the reports, these dates last for several days and the men shower her with lavish gifts like jewelry.

One alleged client is the third in line for the throne of Brunei, who allegedly paid Lindsay $100,000 to celebrate New Year’s with him in London.

But Michael insists he was misquoted — telling TMZ, “By absolutely NO MEANS did I ever make such a statement … EVER!”

He adds, “Sure, Lindsay and [other celebs] make personal appearances and get paid for it! Sure, she and they get paid to go to birthday parties and other occasions! But for sex? Are you kidding me? I would never say that because she would NEVER do that and it NEVER happened!”

Oh, because Lindsay’s dad would be the first person she’d tell about it. Please. I don’t think that Lindsay would call herself a prostitute, but I don’t doubt that she’s making these “personal appearances,” and that sometimes the personal appearances take the form of dates, and sometimes, natch, dates lead to sex. How else does she ever have any money?

January 17, 2013 at 4:30 am by Emily

2Ryan Gosling Loves to Knit

A photo of Ryan Gosling

Hey, girl. Let me ask you something, if that’s all right. Are you tired of guys who simply want to paw at your angel cushions and poke at your love chasm? Do you just want to say “hey, lover, I’m sore and I’d rather just a Kardashian show and knit”? Then please extend an invitation my way, girl. I’ll provide the yarn if you can provide the wine.

But no, really, Ryan Gosling really loves knitting:

Ryan Gosling’s perfect day involves knitting.

The ‘Gangster Squad’ actor has developed a love for creating garments out of needles and yarn as he thinks it’s a great way to relax after a hard day’s work.

He said: ”I did this scene in ‘Lars and the Real Girl’ where I was in a room full of old ladies who were knitting, and it was an all-day scene, so they showed me how. It was one of the most relaxing days of my life.

”If I had to design my perfect day, that would be it. And you get something out of it at the end. You get a nice present. For someone who wants an oddly shaped, off-putting scarf.”

However, Ryan’s life hasn’t always been so calm and says he got a love for showbiz after watching his uncle perform as an Elvis Presley impersonator.

He told Australia’s GQ magazine: ”When I was a kid, it [my uncle] was certainly the most interesting thing going on in the house. He made his own costumes, did all the sequins – it took months. And I became a bit like his shadow, helping him when I could. He was in the mirror, working on the voice and singing, and he [slowly] created this character, and then he put together an act and performed in a local talent show. And because I was so interested, he made me the head of security. As a joke.”

Is this man even real?

January 16, 2013 at 12:30 pm by Emily
Filed Under: Ryan Gosling