Today's Evil Beet Gossip

What a Troll Wants, What a Troll Needs …

Call Willy Wonka, ’cause his favorite Oompa Loompa has escaped the compound and is now recording videos on shitty webcams, looking for love.

Jersey Shore‘s favorite poof-haired troll goes live on her webcam and discusses what she (still) wants in a man (that she still hasn’t found after all this time in reality TV purgatory). She talks about what she wants in men, and not crickets, and no, I have no fucking clue what that means because I don’t speak Sasquatchese, either.

She also claims that she needs to find a really hot man that’s orange and who can match her “big frickin’ personality,” ’cause it’s “way out there.” Kind of like her wacked-out Winger hair.

Just watch the video. Even though I’m going to summarize what she wants in a man below, watch the video anyway, because it’s probably one of the purest forms of crash-victim-type entertainment that you’ll experience this year.

Snooki’s Top Ten List For Her Ideal Man
10. Looks.
9. Looks.
8. Respect (for Ed Hardy).
7. Grunting as a primary form of communication.
6. Orange-ness. And looks.
5. Respect for her family and apologies that you’re kind of attracted to something this overtly needy and embarrassing.
4. Someone who hates being single as much as she does.
3. Looks.
2. Someone who will train her “best friend” cat to fist-pump.
1. Someone to buy her a better webcam, ’cause all of her Jersey Shore money is tied up in bananas and blow.

7 CommentsLeave a comment

  • Sarah, why are you so mean lately? Not even in that humorous way you normally pull off, but this is just fucking searing.

    • I’ll tell you what. If the Internet is getting too mean for ya.
      1) Check into your nearest motel
      2) Reach into the nightstand a get the Gideon’s bible.
      3) Read some of it.
      4) Take the gun you brought with you and kill yourself.