Quotables-A Medley

“Other women dream of papaya facials and mango pedicures. Give me a hot dog, a pitchers’ duel and a late-inning suicide squeeze (risky tactic to score), and I melt like hot pine tar.”

Alyssa Milano, either trying to describe a date and she’s stuck in euphemism hell or actually talking about sports, in her new book, “Safe at Home:  Confessions of a Baseball Fanatic.”

In regards to her break up with Barry Zito, she writes, “To be completely honest, after Barry and I broke up, I swore off baseball players. (But) Brad had me at, ‘Let’s go down to the clubhouse.’”

How was this book not titled, “How To Get To Home Base With Alyssa Milano”?  I had no idea who Barry Zito was.  I still don’t and don’t care either but based on what his Wikipedia page says, I’m surprised Alyssa just swore off baseball players.  If I dated this Barry Zito, I’d be racing to my local Sisters of Sappho chapter.

At his introductory press conference with the Giants, Zito said he liked the way his uniform number 75 looked, because the 7 and the 5 are like a “shelf” to hold the name “Zito” up. He carries pink satin pillows on the road, collects stuffed animals (such as a good luck teddy bear, with which he used to travel), and burns incense to relax.  Early in his career, Zito dyed his hair blue. He plays guitar, surfs, practices yoga, and follows Zen. He has done yoga poses in the outfield, and meditates before games.  In 2001, Zito espoused a universal life force that he credited with his midseason turnaround.

And my favorite quote-the one that has me racing to Borders to snatch this ground-breaking piece of literary genius right off the shelf?

“The big difference between injecting Botox and with taking human growth hormone is that there are no rules against Botox.”

Oh, Alyssa, aren’t there?  Hello, mirror.