Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Oscar Dresses: The Best and Bourgiest

Even if you watched the awards, you may not have seen all these amazing outfits because not everyone who hit the carpet was seen again once inside.  Some day we’ll do a post of just the dressed worn by seat fillers. But for this year we’ll stick to the A – J List actors that graced the rug.

As always, the commentary of tonight’s red carpet is all in good fun. We’re not passing judgement on the people kind enough to be photographed. Just the clothes they wore. If you feel you’re especially sensitive by nature, maybe don’t read the comments. If you’re up for some fun, read ahead and feel free to comment!

Jennifer Goodwin and husband Josh Dallas.  Let me just start by saying his tux is yummy. I love velvet tuxes (and there were a bunch tonight) but this is a nice chocolate shade and it’s great. Those dick hugging pants tho… enough already.   And then Jen goes and clashes with that brown jacket with what looks like a very itchy cocktail colored dress.



I love Taraji. Love. And she’s giving it all she’s got here. She looks like a million bucks in this Alberta Ferretti gown that is perfect for her because the focus isn’t on the dress, it’s on those jewels, that smoldering smile and those well maintained breasts. You look amaze.



Octavia is always one the good list. She knows how to dress her body type and she never goes crazy. But this is a departure.. in a good way! Still fits her figure super well, but the feathers say “I’m at the Oscars, bitch”.



Ava DuVernay is new for me, but this is about what you’d expect at the Oscars. I mean it’s not exciting, but not ugly.  The hair down seems really out of place with the decadence of the dress, but whatevs.




Jessica Biel came dressed like a she just broke out the Luxor Temple in Egypt. But I ain’t saying I don’t love it, in a way.  That neck piece is totally tribal.  The pulled fabric look is hot this year, but it makes everything feel stretched to the limit for me.  That clown she married is hamming it up in the back. Never let her have a moment.



You’re going to hear a lot of talk about this dress. It’s Elie Saab couture and costs more than your house.  Some will hate this and some will love it. I’m here to clear it up. This is a masterpiece. Did you see her walk on stage in this? Marie Antoinette shoulda had something this awesome. This isn’t the best dress of the night, I’ll get to that soon, but it’s up there. And it’s a work of art.



Dakota Johnson.  This is crazy old Hollywood and I love it. I think I’d have loved it more on someone who could really carry it. She’s a bit young to be so covered. But damn I love it. It’s Gucci. Of course.



Allison Schroeder …. I’m not entirely sure what her end game was here, but this is a miss for me. It’s bleeding and the colors don’t compliment one another and I think the hair is wrong.  And can’t even Pandora break off a piece of jewelry for this poor girl?



Leslie Mann. A member of my personal fame squad.  She’s in Zac Posen and I don’t care what anyone says, it’s a great dress. I bet that thing is fun as hell to wear.  That weird sailor bow in the front tho.  idk.



I don’t know what to make of this Busy Phillips dress choice. I mean it’s a little ‘leader of the band’ for me.  And just really heavy looking. I’m going to just leave it where it is.



Despite being so white she’s nearly transparent, Nicole Kidman is incapable of a bad red carpet look.  Enter this Armani Prive number.  Just a beaded wonder.



I’m hearing all kinds of hate for Scarletts whole look, but I don’t get it. I mean I could do without that weird belt nonsense, but she was there to present.  How fancy does she need to be?



Ruth Negga in Valentino …. I mean that hair is so gorgeous and perfectly suited to go with that dress and even that ACLU ribbon look intentional and great, some how.  She might become one of my favorites. Look at that face. She’s flawless.



Blanca is an actress, but I’d be shocked if it turned out she had an actual ticket to this event. The look on her face sums up the dress. WTF. More like a Vegas showgirl than Oscar contender. Not that she’s either.



Let me explain Cynthia Erivo’s amazing monster biceps. See she’s from Broadway. Broadway actors are a whole other animal. They work their asses off.  The dress, on the other hand, might be a harder sell.  It has so much potential with it’s Valentino like embroidery and great colors. But it’s just too much. But boy she looks like she’s having fun.



Haley Steinfeld. This dress is really lovely.  I love neck ruffle.



Head Cheerleader on my fame squad, the amazing Chrissy Teigen and her husband John Legend. Chrissy is wearing Zuhair Murad, which is the designer name on page one of “Red Carpet Dressing for Dummies”.

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Charlize Theron is the face of Dior and for the first time in a few years, that’s paid off. This dress is in my top 5, nay, top 3 of the night.  It’s shiney, flowy and pleated, which is the recipe for the best dressed from the 70’s. Which is always a good thing.



This is Hallie Berry. Her hair is a crazy mess, but pay that no mind. For the first time in ages, Hallie is taking my award for best dressed.  This insane Atelier Versace dress looks like Berry lept out of a pile of diamonds and then Thomas Kinkade painted that image.  It’s amazing.



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