Bruno Mars is a little fedora-wearing troll who also really likes cocaine. Or, you know, used to – before he was arrested for possession of 2.6 grams of it in Las Vegas back in 2010. He’s also an absolutely terrible lyricist who manages to put together some catchy melodies that make me hate myself when they get stuck in my head.
In a new interview with GQ, Bilbo opens up about his wonderful songwriting skills and penchant for describing sex and women’s bodies in the most awkward and least sexy way possible.
We begin with the recently omnipresent “Locked Out of Heaven,” which channels the spirit of early Police into something joyous, idiosyncratic, and utterly contemporary. It is also one of many songs on his new album that are about sex. “It feels good to sing about,” he begins. “It feels…sexy. It puts you in a sexy frame of mind. It feels good to pro-ject. Sex is a great party starter.”
A pop song about sex is nothing unusual. It is less common for a chart-topping single to be essentially one long hymn of praise and supplication to a vagina.
“Pretty awesome, right?” he says. “The verses to me are what really makes that song: Swimming in your water is something spiritual.”
If this still sounds vague in its allusions, when Mars was answering fans’ questions online last October, he clarified exactly which body of water he was referring to. “As in da pussay leche,” he tweeted.”I’m a writer, man!” he says when I mention this tweet. “What do you want me to do? It was just a moment. It felt like the right thing to do.”
In a fairly direct anatomical way, I say.
“You can’t use big words with me. What does anatomical mean?”
He is spelling out, I explain, that the song is about what’s between a woman’s legs.
“Sure,” he says. “In the most beautiful, passionate, sexy way ever.”
I mean, what? Does Bruno Mars seriously fancy himself as some lady loving’ Lothario who oozes sexuality? Please, find me a woman who’s had sex with Bruno Mars and enjoyed it. That’s a literal request – I need to see if that woman is firing on all cylinders, so to speak. Also, a grown ass man who doesn’t know what “anatomical” means. Rowr, ignorance is irresistible – let me at him!
Bruno went on to navel gaze about his other big hit, ‘Grenade’, and further insist upon his genius poet status even though, again, it’s a really stupid f-cking song.
Some people, I persist relentlessly, might find an extended metaphor that aligns religion and a vagina to be blasphemous.
Mars chooses to take this as something of an affront. “It’s like that saying: ‘If you think it’s racist, then you’re racist,’ ” he protests. “If you think it’s blasphemous, then obviously you don’t know that it’s poetry. You can pick apart all of my songs. A bullet through your brain, man? That’s not politically correct.” He is referring here to the lyrics—I would…take a bullet straight through my brain—from “Grenade,” the high point of his first album, in which he offers a gruesome list of harms he would be prepared to face on behalf of a lover who he now realizes would not reciprocate. “You’re not listening to it right if you’re picking it apart like that. You know? I can’t overthink everything I wrote or worry about that kind of stuff. Hopefully people should know. There’s no blasphemy. Or insult to any religion. It’s just f-cking poetry, whether you believe me or not.”
Another of Mars’s favorites on the new album, “Gorilla,” builds to a chorus in which Mars declares, You and me, baby, making love like gorillas. I bet I can find a few questions he’ll find exasperating on this topic.
“It was just painting a picture—some animalistic sex,” he says. “Instead of me singing ‘You and me having animalistic sex’—which is a terrible lyric.”
Newsflash to Bruno Mars: “you and me baby, making love like gorillas” is also a really terrible lyric. Even worse than “you and me having animalistic sex”, I’d say. Make him stop. Please, I beg you.