OMG funniest thing all f-cking day. I’m not going to say it was the funniest thing all f-cking week, because the idea that Bristol Palin is so deluded that she thinks we’re going to follow her and “her fame” anywhere, whether it’s Alaska or Southern California, but it’s kind of up there.
This is a clip from Jimmy Fallon‘s show, on which he parodied a classic ‘He-Man’ episode with dubbed-over lines from 50 Shades of Grey. And it’s as hilarious as it probably sounds. Because ’50 Shades of Grayskull’? It’s sheer brilliance.
Also, wait a damn second here—is there *really* a line in this book that says, “I found some baby oil. Let me rub it on your behind”? Is there really?
YES. He spanks her, I think because she rolled her eyes or maybe bit her lip (because those are things she’s not allowed to do), but then she spends the night not being able to sit down or lie on her back. He comes back and sees her crying and then offers to put baby oil on her behind. That definitely, definitely happens.
He also makes his housekeeper clean his butt plugs. And there’s a scene where he wants to have sex with her, and she’s like, “wait, no,” because she’s on her period, and he pulls her tampon out and throws it aside and then goes to town. Because by the way, he’s a millionaire genius businessman who has had tons of sex with tons of ladies, but he thinks that you totes can’t get pregnant on your period.
It’s so bad, but so, so amusing.
Oh man, I can’t even tell you how heinous all of this sounds … and how I still want to read the books anyway. For mocking purposes, of course.
It’s so worth it. I can’t even tell you how many times I laughed until I cried, or how many times I laughed out loud after just thinking about something I’d read. They’re unbelievably terrible books, but so amazing for those mocking purposes!
I dare you; I double-dog dare you to go get the audio version of 50 shades of crap (any of the three) and listen to it without laughing. Don’t do like I did and try that on your morning drive. I stopped after almost getting hit 3 times and howling like a madman.
*** You may stop reading now as only an amusing anecdote follows ****
A friend of mine had a party the other day (well, month). What do we do, us paragons of wit? We tied up a manikin with a literature t-shirt (from the Dallas Museum of Art (DMA)) and pelted it with copies of 50 shades of crap.
Then we had a mini-masked ball ala Wild Orchid where we could only speak to each other in couplets from the book(s). We had little cards to remind us.
Then we listened to the audio version. Our idea was to toast the death of modern culture by drinking EVERY TIME they said something groan inducing, but …
Well, we were supposed to burn our copies of 50 shades of crap after cracking open a most-tasteful EL James pinata. Fire and buckets (literally) of alcohol do not mix.
A quick aside: I loved our monkey pinata with EL James face. However, the host had originally decided to stuff it with condoms (HILARIOUS ones.) and some cheap bondage stuff, dildos, and etc. but her kids, bless their hearts, begged and they relented. *sigh* So it was filled with candy. They got to break it and clean it up as the adults were too trashed to stand. I’m pretty sure one of the kids hit me with the bat.
However, as the lot (eh, around 20) of us were too drunk to see or stand and we ran out of booze, TWICE, and were, each of us, completely red-faced and giggling like teenagers. We’d keep thinking about those stupid books and HOWL, so the lot of us really did look quite mad.
The funniest time was when we decided to go next door to ask her neighbor to get us more booze (they knew who we were) and we decided to go 50 shades of crap caroling.
It was really rather operatic, as the men, as baritone as possible, roared the “masculine” parts and women soprano-falsetto replied. It’s a really nice neighborhood and we WERE all dressed up in tuxedo t-shirts and fake bondage stuff. (Sadly, we couldn’t convince our very hot women members to dress up in bondage gear. One of our fatter (and very hirsute) men offered, but we turned him down.) After something like a gallon of mixed booze each, it sounded like a good idea. It really did.
To get an idea how that actually sounded, picture a group of men and women (absolutely trashed, red faced, and howling in laughter) dressed in tuxedo-tshirts and fake bondage gear standing on your front lawn. The men go: “Loooook at meeeee!” in our deepest baritone and googly james bond faces.
The women fake swoon in icy soprano: “It’s his dom gaze! Cold, hard, and sexy as hell!”
Both in Chorus: “Seven shades of sin in one enticing look!”
*wipes tears from eyes*
Anyway, we got security called on us and, beholden to our rules, we spoke only the designated lines from the book in our very sloshy defense. We scared the security guys (I did mention this was a nice gated community, right?) and they called the police.
Have you ever said (and I do use this line fairly often these days in unrelated contexts): “My insides practically contort with potent, needy, liquid desire.” to a Cop? They really do glance down and back up.
I said this on a phone conference the other day to express mock excitement at some stupid idea. There were a few moments of silence and someone said, deadpan: “That’s from 50 shades of *bleep*, isn’t it.”
Any-hoo, as the host’s house was right there, they (police) were very nice, if amused, and allowed us to gaggle-of-puppies our way back. Plus, all of us were begging to be put into handcuffs and not those nylon zip ties. I’m certain they did not want to fill out all those public intoxication reports, but I’d like to think we were that entertaining.
Did I mention we could ONLY communicate using designated howler lines from the books? No? Try reading that shit when you’re 3 sheets to the wind. It really can’t be done.
So, we finally wound up disposing of our 50 shades of crap novels in various ways. Some are using it as toilet paper (pages, not the entire book). I shot mine at the pistol range and held a burial ceremony with my co-workers.
Sadly, I found out one of my co-workers was a 50 shades of crapper, but as she drew a deluge of laughter, we had to take her out to (a very nice) lunch. Fun is fun, but I didn’t mean for her feelings to get hurt.
Oh well. Play on Snowqueens Icedragon.