What is this even? I’ll tell you what it’s supposed to be – an outfit. An ensemble, if you will. Otherwise known as “what Russell Brand wore after yoga.” But that leads me to wonder, who the hell is he doing yoga with, Mahatma Gandhi? Or maybe he’s taking tips from “tantric” Sting. This getup looks like something Sting’d rock back in the day.
But of course you’re thinking, “Why should I care about what Russell Brand is wearing, Sarah?” And I’m here to tell you that you’re not. Not really, anyway. And also, “I don’t know.” Showing you this photo of Brand was just my not-so-subtle way of saying “What a moronic freakshow of a man,” and “Katy Perry‘s really on the slow side of the track, isn’t she.” Also, Russell’s dating someone new, having moved on fast after his divorce. That chick Jenn told you guys about last week? It looks like it’s official – Russell Brand has figured out how to stick another hapless woman with his debonair, world-traveling pork sword. The Daily Mail confirms it:
While most of his contemporaries were out enjoying pre Oscar parties, Russell Brand was busy shopping with his new girlfriend. The 36-year-old comedian was spotted stepping out with his mystery brunette companion yesterday, in West Hollywood, California. The new couple were seen leaving the Crystalarium shop in what is the first major sign that the former Lothario is moving on from his failed marriage to Katy Perry.
The yoga loving pair picked up a small bag full of goodies from the store which specialises in rare gemstones, minerals, and natural crystals.
Oh jeez. “rare gemstones, minerals, and natural crystals.” That seems right up Russell’s alley, doesn’t it? Anyway, the chick was ultimately identified as the Oriela girl that we told you about, and it appears that he’s turning over a new leaf – maybe trying to heal his sexual addictions with, gosh, I don’t know. Even more unstable sex with women he’s just met and … oh, natural crystals, too? Can’t wait to hear how this pans out.
LOL at Lindsay not even being able to come up with an approximate amount of time that she’s been sober! What the hell is that, even? Did she honestly think that Matt Lauer wouldn’t ask that question? Please! Emily told you earlier this morning that Matt asked all sorts of personal, invasive questions, and yet the one – ONE! – that caught Lindsay off guard was “How long have you been sober”? That’s like going for your driver’s permit and not thinking that you’re going to be asked what to do at a damn stop sign.
This girl’s not “coming back,” like so many people are hoping. She’s not going to resurrect her career with this stupid SNL hosting gig, and she’s not going to win any Oscars with this Liz Taylor Lifetime movie role. Lindsay’s career is over, and at this point no matter how many years go by and how many appearances she does at random venues and radio shows, people are always and forever going to associate her with her drug and alcohol past, and you know what? That’s super sad to say about someone who’s only twenty-some years old. Girl’s got a lot of living to do yet, but no matter how she tries, she’s never going to outrun her past. Never. She’s no longer “Lindsay Lohan the Actress”, “Lindsay Lohan the Singer”, or even “Lindsay Lohan the Model”. She’s “Lindsay Lohan the Novelty Act”, and when the next big trainwreck comes along to take her place, she’s going to be dropped altogether. Nothing lasts forever, girl – not even being America’s Favorite Drug Addict.
Here’s a few of Lindsay’s promo commercials for her SNL appearance, all featuring Kenan Thompson.
Also, when Lindsay walked out during the promo with the cake plate full of whipped cream, I was really, really hoping it was going to be ‘cocaine’.
Oh, and sorry for three Lindsay posts today. That business is just uncalled for.
“I have fond memories of that time. I was doing a show with my best friend and we didn’t really have to do much. We were just being ourselves – and playing it up for the cameras.”
No, Paris didn’t die of complications sustained in a massive STD strike, Nicole‘s just talking about the days of yesteryear when she was about eighty pounds heavier, loaded up on coke and Coke and blue cheese all of the time, and getting arrested for driving the wrong way down a highway was the highlight of the week. Whee!
Also, I wonder if Paris is the least bit bitter that Nicole’s career has taken off way more than hers ever has – or will. I never really watched the show, but any time I did see it, it was like Paris was always kind of demeaning Nicole, even though they were “best friends.” Nicole was always the “fat” one, the “awkward” one, the one who never really fit in, no matter how many fruity alcoholic beverages she consumed and guys she blew. It was almost kind of sad to watch, and honestly, it’s probably pretty humiliating for Nicole to even talk about those days, though every interview she does probably wants to discuss it since it’s one of the, um, higher points of girlfriend’s career.
I don’t know about you, but other than hearing Richie’s a grand old bitch with a flair for the mean, she’s loads better than Paris – and loads better off too, and if that’s the lesser of two evils, I’ll totally take it.
Check out the photos from Nicole’s recent Ocean Drive photo shoot.
Not to be harsh, but after that catastrophe that was Country Strong, I don’t think Gwyneth Paltrow needs to ever sing and dance again: not in the shower, not in her bedroom, not in a bar, not ever. And certainly not in a film that millions and millions of people will see. Just in case you’ve forgotten what Gwyneth Paltrow, The Singer is like, let me refresh your memory:
Do you see what I mean when I say that she needs to give this up forever? Yes? Then you should be able to feel my pain when I tell you that this is exactly what she’s not doing. What she is doing, though, is starring in a movie with Beyonce, Cameron Diaz, and Reese Witherspoon about old lady singers from the 1990′s who are sad that no one wants to listen to their music anymore. Really.
In a seven-figure preemptive deal, Sony Pictures is collaborating with Ryan Murphy on One Hit Wonders, a musical comedy pitch that will be written as a star vehicle for Gwyneth Paltrow, Reese Witherspoon, Cameron Diaz, Beyonce and Andy Samberg.
Murphy is attached to direct, and he will write the script with his Gleecohorts Brad Falchuk and Ian Brennan. Murphy will produce with Paltrow (who has practically become aGlee cast member) and the latter makes her debut as a producer on this film. Murphy hopes to direct it after he completes The Normal Heart.
Paltrow, Witherspoon and Diaz will play three singers who each scored a top hit song in the 1990s before watching their careers go down the drain. They decide to form a super group. Samberg and his Lonely Island cohorts will be involved in generating music for the film, I’m told. The project came out of a dinner Murphy had at the Soho House with Paltrow, Diaz and Witherspoon. They wanted to do something fun together and kicked around ideas until they settled on One Hit Wonders. Murphy, who made Eat Pray Love with Sony Pictures chief Amy Pascal, took the pitch to her. Pascal bought it 10 minutes in. They are working the deals right now.
I’ve never liked Gwyneth Paltrow, obviously, and I’m kind of over Beyonce at the moment. I’m pretty indifferent to Cameron Diaz, and I guess I like Reese Witherspoon ok. Despite all that, am I going to go see this movie? Yes. Hell yes. I mean, the music is going to be done by The Lonely Island, the boys who wrote such beautiful songs as “The Creep” and “I Just Had Sex.” And the Gwyneth Paltrow is going to be singing those songs. And then I get to see it and laugh forever. I think it would be worth the pain, just for those giggles.
Would anyone else be interested in seeing this film?
It’s time for me to come clean: today is my last day here at Evil Beet. I know! Me, too! I didn’t really mean to just spring it on you like this, but here we are.
I began at Evil Beet in June. Nine months and and a measly 570 posts later—and I am not kidding, 570 articles really is piddling, especially compared to the work your editors Sarah and Emily accomplish daily—I am suddenly a little wistful about leaving.
I began reading Evil Beet six years ago (OR MORE), and I became so attached to Sasha, Wendie, Kelly, everyone. This website has buoyed me through some dark Cubicle Days.
Writing for you has been a dream and a joy.
We had a lot of laughs, didn’t we? I came out of the gates strong with my story about Sean Bean. Who can maintain that kind of momentum? I sure didn’t. Oh, well.
I did consider attempting to make all my posts rhyme, but that fell through, too. Finally, I settled on writing a lot of hypothetical dialogue. So thanks for letting me use Evil Beet as a testing ground for all that. (I do regret not having Fred’s daughter produce more posts. I was onto something there. If you’re wondering, I totally paid the kid.)
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