Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Viral Video: “99 Problems in Film”

Days like today are really tricky because I keep trying to find one thing to show you that isn’t the Grammys, isn’t Whitney Houston. (The latter is such a depressing scene; I just can’t even.)

But I think I finally found you guys something. Brooklyn-based audio/visual artists Eclectic Method just released this, their latest supercut, “99 Problems in Film.” In it, movie clips are repurposed and hacked together so as to comprise the lyrics to Jay-Z‘s “99 Problems.”

Or, as Eclectic Method themselves describe it, “It’s Jay Z’s classic ’99 Problems’ but rebuilt with film clips and retitled ’99 Problems in Film.’ So instead of Jay Z recounting the story it’s lots of out of context snippets…. Watch as Christopher Walken confounds rap critics or Marlon Brando despondently retorts to the cops pulling over Jay.”

The video is SFW with headphones, as there are obviously curses in the song. It’s pretty amazing, though.

Sing along!

I’ve got the Rap Patrol on the gat patrol
Foes that wanna make sure my casket’s closed
Rap critics that say he’s “Money, Cash, Hoes”
I’m from the hood stupid, what type of facts are those?
If you grew up with holes in your zapatos
You’d celebrate the minute you was having dough
I’m like f—k critics, you can kiss my whole assh—e
If you don’t like my lyrics, you can press fast forward
Got beef with radio if I don’t play they show
They don’t play my hits, well I don’t give a shit, so
Rap mags try and use my black ass
So advertisers can give em more cash for ads, f—kers!
I don’t know what you take me as
Or understand the intelligence that Jay-Z has
I’m from rags to riches, n—as I ain’t dumb
I got 99 problems, but a bitch ain’t one, hit me!

The year is ’94, in my trunk is raw
In my rearview mirror is the motherf—king law
Got two choices y’all, pull over the car or
Bounce on the devil, put the pedal to the floor
And I ain’t tryna see no highway chase with Jake
Plus I got a few dollars, I can fight the case
So I, pull over to the side of the road, I heard
“Son do you know why I’m stopping you for?”
Cause I’m young and I’m black and my hat’s real low
Do I look like a mind reader sir? I don’t know
Am I under arrest or should I guess some more?
“Well you was doing 55 in a 54
License and registration and step out of the car
Are you carrying a weapon on you? I know a lot of you are”
I ain’t stepping out of s—t, all my papers legit!
“Well, do you mind if I look around the car a little bit?”
Well, my glove compartment is locked, so is the trunk in the back
And I know my rights, so you gon’ need a warrant for that
“Aren’t you sharp as a tack! You some type of lawyer
Or something, somebody important or something?”
Well, I ain’t passed the Bar, but I know a little bit
Enough that you won’t illegally search my shit
“Well we’ll see how smart you are when the canine come”
I got 99 problems, but a bitch ain’t one, hit me!

Now once upon a time, not too long ago
A n—a like myself had to strong-arm a ho
This is not a ho in the sense of having a p—sy
But a p—sy having no g—damn sense, try and push me
I try to ignore him, talk to the Lord
Pray for him, but some fools just love to perform
You know the type, loud as a motorbike
But wouldn’t bust a grape in a fruit fight
And only thing that’s gon’ happen is I’mma get to clappin’ and
He and his boys gonna be yappin’ to the Captain
And there I go, trapped in the Kit-Kat again
Back through the system with the riff-raff again
Fiends on the floor, scratching again
Paparazzis with they cameras, snapping ’em
D.A. try to give a n—a shaft again
Half a mil’ for bail cause I’m African
All because this fool was harassing them
Tryna play the boy like he’s saccharine
But ain’t nothing sweet bout how I hold my gun
I got 99 problems, being a bitch ain’t one, hit me!

Video via Flavorpill; lyrics courtesy Rap Genius.