I was scanning news stories this morning and yeah, no, this was not the headline I expected to read:
I laughed! I squealed! I blinked. I cackled. I put my head down on the desk. I just could not process this. And who would publish such a thing? ABC News! That’s who! ABC!
I tell you guys what, I am so paranoid about God coming out of a cloud and zapping me, I can’t even make one Reverend Billy Graham joke without flipping out before I get to the punchline. Like, I can’t even directly post an actual photograph of televangelist Joel Osteen’s abs! I can only post a screenshot of his abs as they appeared at ABC News! I am sorry, God, that I mocked one of your agents like this.
BUT SERIOUSLY. Joel Osteen’s beach abs! Has anything ever been more uncomfortable?!
Here are other potentially blasphemous headlines I think ABC could have used. Hey, ABC News! Feel free to reprint these right alongside your Joel Osteen paparazzi pics:
– Check Out Joel Osteen’s “Sinfully” Chiseled Abs!
– Joel Osteen’s Pecs Are “Immaculate”
– Good Lord! Joel Osteen’s “Omnipotent” Pecs
– God Almighty! Joel Osteen’s Beach Bod
– If This Beach Bod Is Wrong, We Don’t Want to Be Right!
– ABC News’s Apotheosis: Joel’s Beach Bod
– Get Thee to a Nunnery!
– There IS a God! Joel Osteen’s Abs
– We’re Converted! Joel Osteen’s Abs
– Righteous Abs, Joel!
– “Lamentations”? Hardly! Joel Osteen’s Abs
– In All Your Ways Acknowledge Him, and He Shall Direct Your Abs
– IT’S THE AB-POCALYPSE!!!!!!!!!!! Joel Osteen’s Abs.
Guys, I know you have more ABC News headlines in you, so leave ’em in the comments. UPDATE: Us Weekly went with “Holy Moly,” so that one’s out.