Oh, Look Which British (Wasted) Talent is Wasted and Making Odd Faces Again

Oh, Amy Winehouse.  It’s finally happened.

She’s become that really, really embarrassing elderly female relative that always gets terribly wasted at public family events, presses her saggy tits up against the nearest waiter while her eyes are half-closed, and pinches the band leader’s ass seductively, unaware that his penis has practically turned into a shriveled raisin, which is the polar opposite of what she intended [she was quite a looker oh yes quite a looker back in her heyday don’t you know]. The band leader attempts a smile, really just a mere grimace, as his eyes meet yours and you have to look away and grit your teeth because it’s the same old-same old trying to make amends with another band leader or waiter on another day at another generic occasion.  And you’re tired, quite tired, of excuses and apologies and attempts to guide her away when all you really want to do is dislocate her arm for embarrassing all of you so much time after time.  As she ambles along on her rickety sling-backed Payless shoes (with visible Dr. Scholl’s inserts) toward her next male victim to strike up a witty conversation, her gooey denture paste is almost audible as her fake teeth bang around in her mouth, while her gums smack and jaw snaps open and closed, no true words emerging, only murmurs, slurs and mumbles.

And all the while, you watch this scene play out month after month, and you feel sad for her, but you also feel revolted by her — it tastes like bitter metal corrosion in the back of your throat — and for a second, it almost makes you cry a little bit because the scene is so sad and desperate and so very believable that it could be you or someone else you care dearly about one day in the same situation. So you swallow the lump and guide her away gently, lovingly, almost as a parent would lead a toddling one-year-old, because you really do love her from the depths of your heart nonetheless, and you hope that she dies quietly in her sleep when she finally does go.

Not like this. Never like this.