The correct answer is me. I am going to buy an issue of Playboy.
Michael Cera, also known as the most adorable boy in the world, answered a few questions in the August issue of the magazine, and they’ve posted a few excerpts on their website. Here are a few of my favorites:
On hanging out with the cast of Jersey Shore: “Actually, it was one of the most pleasant days I’ve had in a long time. We got drunk and laughed and danced and got in a hot tub and ate pizza. It was sort of like my eighth birthday party.”
On the worst pickup line he’s ever had the courage to say: “Hey, lady, those are some sexy-ass extensions. I guess you won’t mind if I extend to you a personal invitation to party with me one-on-one in a scary motel room.”
His joking response to Judd Apatow and Jonah Hill joking that he’s “irritating” and “a fucking ass”: “The truth of the matter is I’m too classy to ever come out and speak any truth about those reprobates, and they’re both classless enough to knock on me and my problems. Between you and me—and I’ll thank you not to print this—those two used to come in to work and quite literally spit in the face of crew members. I once saw Jonah pinch the prop master. They’d pour salad dressing in the coffee and sometimes even grab people and kiss them hard on the mouth. To me this sort of behavior in a working environment is deplorable. Then I participate maybe once in a game of throwing shoes at the on-set medic, and all of a sudden I’m painted as the villain of the whole production. That’s the brilliance of Jonah and Judd.”
On whether he considers poking the Pillsbury Doughboy as a child his big acting break: “Well, in a way it was. Kids around school started asking if I had been in a commercial. They all seemed baffled by it. I enjoyed the recognition until the older kids started poking me in the stomach. Hard. With their fists.”
Honestly, how could you not love him?
And by the way, I probably won’t be buying the issue. A couple of years ago, Seth Rogen was on the cover of Playgirl, and I saw it at a gas station when I was picking up some Boone’s Farm. I’d never bought a porno mag, so I was like “how much is that Playgirl?” The cashier judged me for a while before he told me it was fifteen dollars. And fuck a whole bunch of that, I’ll just watch Superbad and free porn online, this is the 21st century.