Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Adrien Brody is Dating This Homely Hag?

photo of january jones in a white dress

Dear Adrien Brody:

I love you. I’ve loved you since I first saw you in The Pianist. When you looked out from your Nazi-ravaged apartment and directly into the camera, we had a moment. I’d swear on all that’s holy that we did. I write this letter to you with a heavy heart and a burning pit that resides in the depths of my stomach, for I fear that I’m going unnoticed by you as of late.

And now.  Now I hear rumors that you’re dating January Jones and I have to ask: what’s the appeal? Why not me, Adrien? Oh, the things that I would do to you (and for you!) had I the chance. I could take you around the block and show you the world all in one jaunt more than a few times. If you’re looking for a long-term relationship, I’m your girl; I’m married. What type of woman knows how to force a make a relationship last other than one who’s married? If it’s a quick sexual fling that you’re into, I campaign to be your first choice. I could show you things that I’m willing to bet you’ve never seen (uh, guaranteed) before.

But January Jones, man. January Jones. She’s the chick that was supposed to be banging Jeremy “Cause of Death: Undercooked Fish” Piven. And she was hooking up with Ashton Kutcher at one point and he was known for screwing some pretty smarmy, easy chicks. She even dated crazy-eyed Josh Groban. Yeah, she’s probably appealing in that she’s “eclectic” sort of way ’cause she likes a strange blend of dudes that’d rival mixing espresso and lime juice or whatever, but count me unimpressed.

Anyway, I implore you to lay off the skinny, horse-faced blonde. She’s not for you, Adrien, and I’m not saying this because I fervently want to solicit your penis and eventually, your burning, mutually-undying love; I’m saying this because I want you to be happy in a way that only I know how to induce.  Not that skinny, horse-faced January Jones.

I wish you luck, Adrien, but no other woman could love you like I would.

Total sadface,

PS –
I’m totally going to see Predators, even though I’m sure it’s going to suck. Doesn’t that gesture itself speak volumes?

15 CommentsLeave a comment

    • Oh. Wow. First, I literally laughed out loud. Second, I was honestly kind of freaked out when his eyes started flashing.

    • I really questioned the wisdom in posting it, thinking, “She’s not going to sit through him traipsing across a seemingly endless succession of tableaux.”
      But you waited for it to get KRAYZEE!
      That thar’s some dedication.

      • LOL! Yeah, I was intrigued from the get-go. I mean, the constant tipping back and forth of his photo over moving background almost sent me into a seizure, but it was well worth it. Fucking bizarre, but fabulous.

  • Yeah Adrien Brody is a babe I agree with you there. Ripping apart his love interest, not so much; especially considering you’ve already trashed another woman for her looks today. Sheesh.

    • Hey now, I just don’t like to share … I actually think she’s quite beautiful, and I’m insanely jealous of her for being Brody’s supposed love interest.

      And also, I wasn’t trashing Liv Tyler in the post you’re talking about. I think her look rocks, and she’s always looked super-hot. I was ripping on the bad Photoshopping that the magazine used on her face. It was wicked, wicked awful.

      • Maybe Carrie was talking about your post on Megan Fox:

        “…[w]hile she’s still got a bangin’ face, her body’s just … not so hot. She’s, you know, cute-bodied and all, but nothing to write home about, frankly. I live at the beach; I see bodies like hers come and go on the daily and don’t bat an eye. Nothing phenom there, for real.”

      • Ah, maybe. I wouldn’t consider that a rip, though, (on Megan Fox) would you? She does have a cute body … I just don’t see what the fuss is about her shape when there’s women like Christina Hendricks or Jennifer Lopez out there. Granted, that’s my opinion, but I personally like my women (if I were attracted to women, that is) a little bit curvier.

      • I agree with you on the megan fox. come on guys! for a face that hot she really has a mortal body. She neither has rock hard abs or soft curviness.

      • jj is hot, no ifs, ands, or buts about it. But she looks sooo boring. Probs too perfect.

      • Haha you know what I completely agree with you. And you’re right that photoshopping is downright horrid. Excuse my solemn read of both posts.

  • an unattractive woman for an unattractive man. i don’t see the issue here. she may be a skinny, horse-faced blonde, but adrien brody is a skinny dude with a nose the size of jupiter. they’ll make interesting babies.