Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Nick Cannon is Still Really Excited, Optimistic About Being Married to Mariah Carey

And he just can’t stop singing her praises. According to Mimi’s husband, Nick Cannon, she does everything with a flair for the talented: singing, dressing, designing really fucking awful perfumes and now, cooking.

Cannon, who is to appear on Rachael Ray’s show today, boasts that his wife is not only a dynamic business woman that happens to have seventy-five different octaves to her singing register, she cooked a turkey “the size of New Jersey” for their latest Thanksgiving feast:

“She cooks! People are always so surprised to see she cooks, but she’s a great cook …”

Nick, hon, I wouldn’t be trying too hard. I mean, it’s great and all that you say you love your wife and renew your vows every fucking year, but if you’re worried about the cash cow leaving you behind in the barn, I hardly think you need to. She’s never going to leave you — she probably thinks that she can’t do any better for some inane reason. You’re in for a nice little lavish life, though, at any rate. Y’all can sit around in your sweatpants and eat chocolates until wifey’s fat enough to wheel around the house in a chair and then you can take her for jaunts around your topiary. One day you’ll go and take a phone call and you’ll hear “Nick! NICKY!” and come running … Miss Mimoo will be on her side like a chocolate-stained bloated Elvis looking for help off of the toilet, looking up at you and there’ll be a glimmer — some kind of reminder — of who the lady, the woman, Mariah Carey used to be. Or maybe it’s just hunger. Or gas.

But at any rate, that’ll make it all worthwhile, now, won’t it?

19 CommentsLeave a comment

  • Wow! Not any great fan of either of these two, but Jesus, what a brutal post. Chill out on the anger there a bit, dear.

  • I dont understand why anyone would criticize what he said. He loves his wife, he things she is a great cook and likes giving her jewellery every year when they renew their vows. I dont think a lot of wives would mind that kind of appreciation. They are happy together. This post is pure bitterness.

  • Wow…a successful woman has a man in her life who adores her and wants everyone to know it…and you tear them down for that? What’s wrong with you?

    • U need to know whats behind the Hollywood glitter. Ur post is far from reality, honey, so so far.

  • I think the post was hilarious. The punk did hit the jackpot when he married her, and so did she when she got some dude who truly loves her to take care of her, when as Sarah says, she becomes some fat, forgotten, chocolate covered, floor crawler.

    Miss Mimoo – LOL!

  • Is it just me or did he bust a gut, or did she just fart, because the looks on their faces are priceless.

  • Anon—you got it right!!

    Is it just me or did he bust a gut, or did she just fart, because the looks on their faces are priceless.

  • ooooh….. why so bitter Sarah? did someone crush your heart into tiny pieces and leave you resenting any seemingly happy relationship? They are kind of an odd couple but so what, they aren’t alcoholic drug addicted nymphomanics out boozing and banging all over town. Pick on people who are asking for it not on couples who embrace public displays of affection. It just makes you seem contentious.

    • and this post, racheal, written, in a supercilious, scolding tone, just makes you seem pathetic.

    • “alcoholic drug addicted nymphomanics out boozing and banging all over town.”

      Damn, you just describe the perfect relationship.

  • Jesus, what the fuck is wrong with you? Is your life that fucking pathetic that you have to just completely tear down celebrities that have apparently found some form of happiness? Are you that lonely? Let me be clear; I absolutely HATE Mariah Carey’s type of music, but she does have an amazing voice and she’s sexy as hell. I guess your jealousy over how much hotter Mariah is than you (even when she’s overweight) combined with the fact that she probably has more talent in her left nipple than your whole family has combined causes you to let your inner bitch out in your writing. People like you just can’t stand to see a happy Hollywood couple that’s apparently succeeding so you invent and practically HOPE for future problems in your sad little mind. Mariah is hot, rich and happy so, of course, you feel it to be your civic duty to tear her down. I completely understand making fun and giving hell to idiotic celebrities like Charlie Sheen or Paris Hilton who publicly do and say stupid shit, but why talk shit about the relatively “normal” ones? Here’s an idea; get a life of your own and let others live in peace.