Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Happy Monday, Y’all!!

Ohhhhhh it’s a good day! I have a treat for pretty much all of you readers! (The 5% of you who are straight men can take a brief break from reading and think about Megan Fox.)

If you’ve been reading this blog for awhile, you know my biggest celeb crush is also a totally random one — Matt Felker, the guy from the Britney Spears “Toxic” video. I have a general thing for guys in music videos, but he is my icon of video hotness. He is my Tawny Kitaen. The very first time I saw that video, I was like, “That is basically the hottest man on the planet,” and ever since I mentioned it, one of you will occasionally send me a tip on him. I got one such tip this weekend, and it was pretty much the best tip to ever hit my inbox. It was this glistening specimen of manhood you see now on your screen, assuming it hasn’t yet been burned by the hotness of these photos.

Apparently this is a recent photo shoot tangentially related to some big-shot role in a movie he’s filming. I like to think that this is what he’d look like in general when he is:

  • tiptoeing out of my bedroom after a night of passionate lovemaking … because he doesn’t want to wake me up while he cooks me breakfast.
  • reading from his daily meditation book while perched on the top step of the grass-encased pool at the lovely home we share. “Come down here, darling!” he will beckon to me. “I meditate better when you’re in the pool with me naked.” I will disrobe and slowly enter the pool, one toe first, then the rest. “Oh, darling,” he will say with a devilish grin. “Did I say ‘meditate‘? I meant to say that I masturbate better when you’re in the pool with me naked.” Then we fuck.
  • asking me for suggestions about what I would like to do in the bed tonight. I ask him if I can go down on him for at least twenty minutes because I looove giving head so much. “You really thought I’d fall for that?” he says as he laughs. “All women who say that are lying because they’re trying desperately to get their husband to orgasm so they can get back to their TV show. Really, my love, what would give you pleasure?” I tell him that it would be kinda hot if he posed like an angry monkey. So he did. And then we fucked, and I never had to put anything in my mouth except for later I was craving a banana.
  • preparing to pounce on the cloaked murderer who has infiltrated our lovenest and is preparing to kill us both so he can steal our amazing sexual chemisty. He will protect me from the murderer at all costs! The murderer, unfortunately, turns out to be my mother, who is wearing that stupid cape she bought in Boston even though I told her it looked ridiculous, and she didn’t want to call to let us know she’d taken an earlier flight because she needs to save the cell phone minutes to talk to my sister in case she has questions about the pot roast she’s making for her new boyfriend later tonight, and so she just took a cab right over and she hopes we don’t mind. Matt no longer feels he can protect me from this new breed of enemy, and he returns to bed.

Um, I died. Like, totally died. Like called my neighbor up and made her come over to look at them so we could say “Oh. My. Gawd” in unison. Repeatedly. I’m still kind of dying over the hotness. There’s also a video of some commercial he shot — in the desert, shirtless — with Amanda Booth. It is after the jump. It’s safe for work, but maybe not safe for your committed relationships.

HAPPY MONDAY!!! Now try to focus on work, people. :)

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