Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Ali Is the New Bachelorette and Tonight Was a Victory for Trashy, Slutty Girls Everywhere


Omigod, you guys, I damn near died tonight when Jake actually proposed to Vienna. I mean, obviously he wasn’t going to pick Tenley, because you know that girl handles a cock like it’s a bomb that could explode at any minute (in fairness, there’s truth to that), but I didn’t ever in a million years think he would actually get out a ring for Vienna. Vienna! I love that a sexpot raised in a shack in Florida, sporting hair extensions that come cheaper than the cucumber I bought for my salad tonight, actually won out over Pretty Pretty Princess Tenley. I knew it was over for Tenley the minute she danced for him during her hometown visit and she was all like “I’m so glad you share my passion for dance” on national television and you could actually see a little part of Jake’s nutsack die. But I just didn’t think he’d actually freakin’ propose to a Vienna. I LOVE IT. It’s a new era in romance, people! It’s the VIENNA ERA. (Not to be confused with the “Vienna area,” which is slang for vagina.)

ANYWAY. As if the whole thing where Ali peaces out in the middle of the show because she had to choose between her “career” and love weren’t contrived enough to begin with, now I’m absolutely certain the producers made the whole thing up, because she’s officially the next Bachelorette. Because Tenley can’t do it, because she has the personality of the cucumber I bought for my salad tonight, which also costs more than Vienna’s hair extensions (are you following?). And Gia can’t do it, because the producers aren’t entirely convinced that her mouth will retain motion and sensation for another full season of taping. So it had to be Ali. So they probably just had her make up that whole “I can’t possibly leave my high-falutin’ career as a junior ad sales flunkie to be on national television” thing so that they could put her on The Bachelorette.

Well. Good for you, Ali. I’d rather see Rozlyn do it, but that’s just because I wanted to watch the mounting tension between her and Chris Harrison every week, and possibly the on-camera murder scene.

23 CommentsLeave a comment

  • Howww are you team vienna? Ew. Literally everyone I know was team tenley. I mean really we were team ali, but after she left, we were team tenley. in fact, so many girls i know were team tenley that when he picked vienna, there was a full-on riot in the halls of my building? how can you be team vienna?

    which team was everyone else on? let’s get some opinions.

  • Team Vienna :) She’s just more real. Tenley IS a Disney Character … and she could NOT shut up about that ex-husband!! Blah, blah, blah.

  • Totally Team Tenley. She DID have personality, it’s just that the producers or editors elected to only show that personality in the one or two minute “outtakes” over the credits. She is cute, funny and quirky (plus, note the fact that Jake is as boring as white bread).

    Vienna is just a 23 year old, white-trash, Paris Hilton-circa-2004 wannabee. I give it 3 weeks.

    • My roommate and I all through stuff at the TV when we saw Tenley get out of the helicopter first. This happens every Bachelor. The final rose ceremony narrows it down to the sweet, conventional, marry-able girl and the the hot wild slut that would normally be out of their league. And they always pick the slut. Peter Piper picks with his pecker. I give it six months, tops.

  • Team neither. Both are obnoxious in different ways. I couldn’t believe when Tenley did that dance- I was so embarrassed for her. Nothing wrong with dancing but that was uncomfortable for everyone. Vienna is white trash. Jake obviously has terrible taste and judgement.

  • TEAM VIENNA!! Who could POSSIBLY live with ‘Princess Voice’ for the rest of their lives?? As the other girls said, ‘Tenly shits rainbows’ and ‘Dreams in cartoons!’

    • I got a small vibe of that too. And I only watched the premiere episode. I’m also convinced that he is dumb as rocks, extremely boring, and probably has a small dick.

  • I thought Vienna was by far the most real woman on there. Tenley was sweet but that little voice she had paired with her graham cracker personality drove me batty!

    Her and Jake did not have the chemistry going on but she was a part of his good girl ideal without the spark.

    Vienna was herself, for better or for worse. I don’t know why people are calling her a slut and trash though?
    She had personality, adventure and had a great sense of humor which is always sexy.

    Vienna became the one women love to pick on b/c she was not as conventionally pretty and she was not fake and catty.

    Can anyone see him with Gia? a swimsuit model for maxim?
    She was sweet and all but her botoxed trout pout and whiny voice was really annoying and she seemed like the type that would have grown bored with Jake’s PB&J personality.

    So YAY! for Vienna!

  • Wow must admit Jake (the bore) chose the wrong gal by far. Without makeup Jake may kick Vienna out. A blonde wannabe with an augmented chest and crappy extensions. Once she moves in Jake’s place the love will fade and Jake will be back on his own. He said he has consistently picked wrong and this is further evidence.

  • hysterical post. totally team vienna! tenly was so boring. but jake was even more boring! he needs someone to turn his wild side on! i have a feeling he chose vienna primarily because she’s better in bed than tenly, which i think tenly realizes. i hated ally and can’t believe she’s going to be the new bachelorette. i was hoping for gia, even with the mouth. i think ally was a bigger bitch than vienna and started the whole vienna bashing and then looked fake as fck saying she felt bad for all the negative press vienna is getting in the tabloids. ugh. and i can’t believe boring jake is going to be on dancing with the stars too!!! i hope he gets voted off fast – and i don’t even watch that show. ok, i’m done.

  • I am somewhat offended by all of the posters who would choose to call Vienna the representation of a “real woman”. Are you f*&%ing kidding me? Women like her are the reason why actual women with brains, personality, and ambition will never get anywhere in society. Acting like a trashy slut does NOT liberate the female gender in the least. And neither does associating a nice girl with having the personality of a cucumber – because according to Beet, you’re only really a likeable person if you’re a complete and total slut. Thats feminism at its finest.

  • @ wpolochick

    I never called her a representation of the “real woman.” I just said she was real, meaning herself and honest about who she was. She wrecks cars and is a daddy’s girl. For better or for worse she seemed to not be hiding who she was.

    You mentioned in regards to Vienna
    “Acting like a trashy slut does NOT liberate the female gender in the least.”

    what did she do that was so trashy and slutty??? I’m confused as to why her behavior is always labeled this way.

    I don’t see girls like these holding back the actual women with brains, personality and ambition from getting anywhere in society. Well, except from getting on this season’s Bachelor.

    After all Vienna was on the Bachelor for pete’s sake, not in the running for secretary of state.

  • Does anybody truly believe anything that happens on this show? Really? Because that would be pretty devastating.

  • “Tenley, because you know that girl handles a cock like it’s a bomb that could explode at any minute (in fairness, there’s truth to that)”

    that was the best quote I’ve read on the internet all day. I’m still laughing! :)

  • Neither girl were right for Jake. Tenley indeed was a Disney Princess and belongs in her own fairytale world.
    Vienna has the mind and maturity of a 12 year old. Did anyone listen to her ideas on marriage? What a moron.
    And what was with Jake spewing on about Tenley’s morals and values??? All while planning to spend the night with her and Vienna the next night. Disgusting.
    Jake was the worst bachelor ever. He’s gotten what he deserved in Vienna.

  • I’d just like to say that I don’t watch this show at all, but that post was funny as s**t. Seriously, had a hard time keeping quiet in my cubicle!