“I have masturbated myself out of serious problems in my life. The phone doesn’t pick up because I’m masturbating. And I have excused myself at the oddest times so as to not make mistakes. If Tiger Woods only knew when to jerk off. It has a true market value, like gold bullion.”
– John Mayer talks to RollingStone about how he masturbated his way in to a drama-free lifestyle.
He’s got a decent point.
No, I know. Everything I’ve read in his RollingStone interview is scarily accurate and is making me reevaluate my relationships with men. John Mayer, huh? Thought I knew!
I’m totally with you on that one!
Every time John Mayer opens his mouth, a baby kitten dies in front of a 6 year old.
Hahahaha. BRILLIANT.
I’ve always loved that John Mayer guy.
I don’t care that everyone thinks he is a douche. Most people only know him for his public persona and sell-able singles but don’t listen to any of his other music (which is pretty honest and down to earth). All douchey quotes and tabloid attention aside, he’s a good artist.
Marsha, Marsha, Marsha. Was that little petard directed toward….. moi? If you sling your gauntlet at my visage, be prepared. For I shall sink my rapier to the hilt in your fanny, and expose your cellulite in rivulets of sarcasm and woe.
haha it really wasn’t directed at anyone. Im just merely professing my love for him. Plain and simple.
Very well. We have no quarrel.
lmao. i like that better than the john mayer quote.
Remind me to NEVER shake his hand.
Touché
Like every other guy doesn’t do it too.
OK, ok, a HUGE percentage of them.
Yeah, most guys do it. I hear that Jesus masturbated over the problems he caused by raising Peter’s mother from her deathbed and then making her cook dinner for him and his crew.
That loud roaring sound you hear is the hell train coming for you.
why has anything this troll has to say/do got any relevance and why on earth is he deemed a ‘quotable’? Evil Beet WHAT is going on!?
And BTW ‘For I shall sink my rapier to the hilt in your fanny’ what have you been drinking today? And please can I have some?
Antifreeze. You should try it.
My girlfriend used to try to masturbate herself out of serious problems in the past, but in the end, they still arrested her for murdering her mother. Of course, as far as I was concerned it was a great idea while it lasted.
He also says he’s seeking the Joshua Tree of Vaginas in that article (a surprisingly good read from someone who’s not really a fan) – I gotta hand it to him for his candor!
I heard today that Tiger Woods’s sex-rehab clinic prohibits masturbation because it’s a crutch–a way to avoid addressing sex addiction.
Most sex rehab programs prohibit masturbation for at least a month. I think Russell Brand talked about his experience and said he had to stop for about a month also.
So has Russell Brand found the fabled Joshua Tree of Vaginas now?
he does have a point. i like john mayer i guess!
Truer words might never have been spoken. I imagine especially for a major celebrity who has a never ending supply of grade A poontang being offered in his direction. Jen, Jess… smart man.