Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Jenna Elfman Is Physically Threatening Me with Her Womb

I got scared when I saw this photo of Jenna Elfman on the People’s Choice Awards red carpet. Don’t get me wrong, human pregnancy is a wonderful, beautiful thing … that scares the beejezus out of me. This photo screams the word “ADOPT.” Why do pregnant women have to look so distended? I look at this and it just doesn’t seem healthy. That’s okay. There are little orphans in Russia who will need my parenting one day. I think adopting is better anyway, especially from a foreign country. When you conceive and birth a child vaginally, she can be all like “You brought me into this world and so now you have to deal with my temper tantrums and my methamphetamine use and my late-night car sex with my much older, bearded, creepy boyfriend.” When they’re adopted you can always just be like, “Would you rather be in a Russian orphanage than inside doing your math homework? Someone would probably be raping you right now. Bet you wouldn’t be so fond of the creepy beard then. ”

Also, Cobra Starship has a gang sign. I know this because lead singer Gabe Saporta flashed it on the red carpet. Get it? One hand is the cobra and the other hand is the starship. Um, Evil Beet needs a gang sign you guys, like, ASAP. If you have ideas, email me the photo of you flashing it. We’re coming up with something.

Oh, Hayley Williams of Paramore. I think you’re one of the most talented young musicians coming up right now, but I cannot wait until you outgrow the “I need to be weird to be cool” phase. You’re a pretty girl. Stop un-doing that.

And Katie Cassidy. I understand that I’m supposed to hate you. I do not. I look forward to your red carpet photos and always think you’re beautiful and well-dressed. I hate myself a little for that, but it’s true. Plus you’re rocking the over-the-shoulder side braid that practically brought me to tears of joy on Rachel McAdams. I wear my hair like that all the time now. I’m wearing it like that in my new Facebook photo. I just wish it were longer so it could look that beautiful! (Do they do clip-in side braids?)

A billion other photos from the red carpet are in the gallery below. The Glee kids were there, which makes me happy. I don’t know who won. I don’t especially care. Maybe Molly will come on later and tell you, and maybe she won’t. I don’t expect many of you care, and everyone on Twitter said the actual awards show sucked. It’s all about the dresses, baby! (And the gang signs.)

24 CommentsLeave a comment

  • Good work Beet! I love your whole program here… and all the writers… but it’s always nice to hear your voice :-) You crack me up!

  • i was preggers like that
    people would look at me and you could see them think
    thats not real! she must be faking it!

  • Is this seriously the same Katie Cassidy that was trying to cover “I Think I Love You” in ’02?? I remember that VH1 special about all the pop singers…. she looks completely different!

  • On the Cobra Starship guy, I don’t think it’s a ‘cobra’ then a ‘starship’. It’s the cobra’s fangs and then the other hand is the cobra’s hood. Just sayin’.

  • Beet, I know you’ll probably get shit for your would-you-rather-be-in-a-Russian-orphanage-being-raped comment, but for the record, I loved it.

    That is all.

  • I think the weird girl looks nice! The only thing that’s a little eccentric is her hair colour. She doesn’t need blonde extensions to be pretty.

    • HERE HERE! i don’t listen to their music, but dammit that hailey chick’s rad. talent AND looks! her semi-punk ways certainly aren’t “un-doing” her good looks. no way, no how. keep it up, punky.

  • The People’s Choice Awards last night was THE most gawd awful awards ceremony to ever be sent over the airwaves yet. True television garbage. It used to be just kind of terrible, but now to call it terrible is to just give the term “terrible” a bad name.


  • Oh Beet – I feel the same way about pregnancy. Its awesome when other people do it, but I don’t want to be a picasso.

    Of course they do clip in braids! Just get a normal clip in extenstion and braid it!

  • ew. elfman looks like j-lo’s (j-lo like, 7 years ago) arse is coming out her front. creepy.
    A-D-O-P-T —buy your baby!

  • i really hate all the ‘you’re a pretty girl; stop ruining it by being weird’ comments people make. one, she’s still a pretty girl (or woman). two, those kinds of remarks only serve to make young women more insecure about their choices and looks and more sensitive to other people’s completely unwarranted judgments. and three, how would you know her reasons for looking the way she does? not everybody who looks a way you consider unusual is specifically trying to be ‘different’ – whatever that means. couldn’t it be that she just likes having dyed hair and wearing things she enjoys and that make her happy? good grief. this is such a pet peeve with me – and i’ll admit that’s certainly in part because it so taps into my own insecurities. but really – there’s no reason for people, and perhaps women in particular, to do this to one another.

    also i think jenna elfman looks lovely and happy. and if you want to adopt, that’s beautiful too.

  • HAHAHA! That part about adopting made me laugh so hard I embarrassed myself in the Library. Brilliant! Beet reigns supreme.