Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Keanu Reeves? You Are NOT The Father!


Back in May I told you about some crazy “I don’t need a lawyer, I’m acting on my own behalf” chick who claimed that Keanu Reeves fathered at least one, if not all four, of her adult children.  Reeves said he had never met this potential baby mama.  Well, the results are in and the search must go on, because these kids are not fathered by Keanu.

If this was all unfolding on Maury, this is the point where Reeves would jump up out of his chair thus knocking it over, whilst simultaneously pumping his fist in the air and screaming, “I told you!  I told you!  I told you!  You ain’t nothin’ but a whore!  I told you!  I told you!”  And the mother would bury her face in her hands and cry, cry, cry.  Maury would sit and observe quietly and then gently offer to keep giving DNA tests to any other men until they were able to locate the father of her children.

Did I mention that I’ve started watching daytime television?  Not. Good.  Anyway, crazy lady is disputing the DNA results.  Apparently she knows something about the ol’ double helix that the rest of the universe doesn’t.  And her twenty-something kid needs to go tell all his friends that, despite the story he’s been told his entire life,  his father wasn’t on a speeding, out-of-control, bus.  It feels like the day I realized that my grandmother probably wasn’t really the first wife of Clark Gable.  Soooooooo embarrassing.

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  • i work in a family law firm. we had one woman adamently deny the dna results against who she accused of being her baby daddy. she told me that he probably cheated the test somehow and even her doctor told her the kid looks just like the father (the kid was a few months at best). she told me one day she will prove he is the father.

  • Keanu is a good foil for this sort of shenanigan. He’s the kind of kooky soul who would take a DNA test to prove that he didn’t father the kids of a woman who he’s sure that he’s never met.
    Michael Jordan is in the midst of similar drama, only he actually has slept with the woman who continues to insist that MJ is her kid’s father, even after DNA tests have concluded otherwise (twice!).

  • She had an epiphany one day and found out she grew up not to far from Keanu Reeves when they were kids. Then she figured how far of a stretch is it to say I was very into “boyz” as a teenager.

    Only problem Keanu was on an ice rink playing hockey. And then he left without finishing high school to become an actor. Drove out to hollyweird with his step-fathers connections with an agent.

    I’m guessing that ex-husband received the same news. “You are not the father”, and left her at The Hotel California, were she’s been ever since. Fortunately Keanu’s 2 for 2. Papparazzi and Crazy Lady 0.