Big news! Michelle Duggar finally got her extended mullet cut off! I kid, I kid. No, Michelle Duggar is pregnant again. This time — not kidding. They did what any normal family would do: They told the Today show audience right away!
It’s so funny, because Meredith Viera said the Duggar family had an announcement to make — seriously, is there any other kind of announcement other than a pregnancy announcement? Like, as soon as Michelle Duggar says, “I have something to tell you,” whomever she is speaking to should reply, “You’re knocked up, right?”
“I was wanting pickles and the older girls were saying, ‘Mom, you only crave these at the very beginning of being pregnant, You kept it from us before, now tell us. Are you?'” Michelle says. “And I kept telling them I wasn’t. I just wanted some pickles.”
But when she couldn’t lose weight on her diet, she became suspicious.
“I was in Weight Watchers with Jim Bob and I wasn’t losing any weight,” she says. “I couldn’t figure it out. I was doing what I should. And the baby, who was nursing, was fussy. I kept thinking, ‘This isn’t right. She isn’t teething, she doesn’t have an ear infection. I’m not cheating on my diet, I should be losing weight.’ Then, I put two and two together and wondered if I could possibly be pregnant.”
She took out one of two tests she had in the house and it was immediately positive.
“I told Jim Bob and he couldn’t keep it in, he was so excited. The kids were outside playing on a water slide and he gathered them together and had to share the news. There was all this screaming and yelling.”
I find this amazing on so many levels. She’s had eighteen kids — and a grandbaby due next month — and really was shocked to find out she was pregnant? She still hasn’t figured out what causes this condition? Longed for her number one pregnancy craving food, trouble nursing, couldn’t lose weight — what could it be? Appendicitis, clearly.
So many questions to be answered: Have the Duggars run out of “J” names? Would they consider naming the baby “Justletmebethelast”? Will this be the pregnancy that causes Michelle Duggar’s clown car uterus to finally run away screaming? Which Duggar will be the one to go bad and revolt against the church and excessive reproduction? My money is on Jedidiah, just because.
The father says that there was all this “screaming and yelling” when the newest pregnancy was announced. What Rocket Sperm Duggar doesn’t tell you is that the ruckus was actually the kids shouting, “When the fuck do I get out of this factory?”