Pay attention beyotches! Mischa Barton is opening up-and no, not her legs this time. She is back in the media, sharing her wisdom-yet again. Will there ever be a day when we won’t have to be victim to her wisdom? The answer is “No!”
Mischa is just so insightful-she really needs a pulpit and I’m willing to help make that happen. I will personally lead the motion for the creation of a new religion-Mischatology, anyone?
Lesson one in the Book of Mischatology: Don’t get married.
The never married but always mighty Mischa has spoken:
“You see a lot of relationships fall apart because it’s the last step. There’s nothing left and a lot of dudes freak out and the women become bitchier. I see it to be bad for relationships.”
You know what I see to be bad for relationships? Taking advice from Mischa Fucking Barton. So, before you all start tossing your engagement rings in the river, may we review Mischa Barton’s love life? I’ll leave out the one night stands because I’m pretty sure that even the WordPress blogging platform that we use here has a character limit.
2004-05- Brandon Davis. Druggie, loser, leech.
2005-07- Cisco Adler, better known as Penduballs.
2007-08- Jamie Dornan
2008- Brett Simon, Taylor Locke, Josh Hartnett
2008-09 Luke Pritchard
However, to fully subscribe to this new religion created by me, I must surrender and blindly follow her teachings. Mischa’s doctrine is the gospel and I must abide by her word. I’ll start by petitioning Richard Carpenter for a re-write of The Carpenter’s classic, played at every wedding in the 1970s, “We’ve Only Just Begun.” I, uh, propose: “We’ve Reached The Finish Line.”
Lesson two in The Book Of Mischatology: Get Married When You Have Kids
Though Barton states clearly that marriage is an ending, she fully plans to indulge in the married bitchiness so her kids can pay the price…lucky (non) bastards!
“Whoever is going to be the father of my children, I’ll probably inevitably marry,” she tells OK! “But that’s not on the cards anytime soon.”
Whew…thankfully that’s not on the cards anytime soon.
Stay tuned for more from The Teachings Of Mischatology including a chapter I’m really looking forward to, titled How I Made Ankle Weights Work For Me.