Is there anything more odious than self-introduction? When I finished school, I thought I’d also be done with the humiliating process of standing up in front of a group of strangers, casting around for something “interesting” to say about myself and settling on inane (and slightly disturbing) things like, “I was born with an extra tooth and my sister was born missing one.” (True story btw).
But I guess it wouldn’t be right to just jump in here and start posting without at least saying hello and giving you some kind of idea of who or what I am. Feel free to completely skip this and just get back to reading posts about famous people (who never have to do self-introductions because they’re so famous). That’s what you’re here for, right?
Since I have to do this, I used the random word generator at watchout4snakes.com to get a list of words I could weave into a short (and very convoluted) self-introduction. Those words are:
pole
designer
anion
clupeid
preconize
shut
trash
clarify
clotted
delegated
rhubarb
inversely
scarce
quiet
preimbibed
friend
wording
slum
And yes, I had to look a few of those up. Here we go:
Since I’ll be taking over the weekend writer position, I thought it’d be a good idea to clarify the situation and preconize the changing of the weekend guard before the door fully swings shut on Soleil. I’ve been delegated as the newest member of the Evil Beet team, charged with carefully wording snarky posts that trash celebrities when they deserve it and occasionally praise them on those scarce occasions when they do right and don’t act like complete idiots with IQ’s that rival the Clupeid fish.
I live in Nashville, Tennessee, a once quiet city that has grown at a rate inversely proportional to the quality of the local music scene. I’m a big nerd and like to read things like Ken Jennings’ blog (he’ll write a post linking the discoverer of the anion to the child stars of Slum Dog Millionaire with less than six degrees of separation). But I make sure not to spend too much of my life in front of the computer, so that neither my conversation skills nor my complexion become clotted by too much exposure to monitor glare and not enough sunlight. I like to draw. I like the color chartreuse. I’m also a big hockey fan, and believe that the SEC is the only real conference in college football.
In terms of looks, I’m not hot enough (or ostentatious enough) to walk a runway for some haute couture designer or wrap myself nekkid around a stripper pole, but I get by. In fact, my friend Jessica suggested that my entire self-introduction should consist of, “I talk too much, but I’m cute, so it’s cool. Also, I have a nice rack. …please don’t hate me.”
I’m excited about becoming your new weekend dispenser for celebrity news shoved through a filter of sarcasm and acerbic wit. I promise to do my best to provide you with your fix, and promise not to preimbibe too much “writing juice” on Friday nights so you won’t have to wade through a string of posts that make about as much sense as Courtney Love’s Myspace blog.
It’s a pleasure to meet you.
Rhubarb.
kudos to you, nice introduction.
welcome!
Welcome! I like you already.
Let’s be friends, K?
You’ll get to know me because I’ll spam tips to your inbox in the hopes of getting a write up from my tips. Most of the time Beet or Wendie already posted what I tried to show them like five hours (if not days) ago. I lose. A lot.
Hi!
BTW, Beet, there are two reply buttons now.
I know, but are you being notified by email when I post this reply? Because that’s what this stupid plugin is supposed to do.
Nope, no email. Sorry about your pizza :(
WTF??
haha
Rhubarb :)
Way to teach me some new English words!
Welcome! I’m excited to hear more from you!
awesome!! liking you already!
“How to Make a Proper Introduction” is sooooooooo much better than Soleil’s “Hi” introduction.
needless to say, Soleil won’t be missed & Wendie has grown on me!
(“,)
I’m intrigued about being born with teeth? I thought teeth didn’t come in till later, so your sister had a missing one how?
i like you already.
(and my best friend was born missing two teeth.)
Welcome to the gang, Kelly!
And rhubarb is yummy. :D
Welcome Kelly! Your intro is brills, and I already feel like we now know a bit about you, because you write in a style that breathes your own comfort level in print. Don’t let any haters get you down…just keep being you…and YOU is good enough gal!
Hi! Omg, I almost fell of the chair when I saw a new poster, but you sound good, why did beet ever hire soliel over you :O :D
Welcome to the BEET!
If ur into sports will you blog about athlete gossip??? (Beet is all about “Phelpsy”) so I think other athletes would be fair game….anything on NHL players would be awesome…
P.S. Sorry to see you go Soleil…best of luck…
Brilliant intro! Welcome and great luck!
welcome!
cant wait to read your posts.
YAY!!
pee ess: why did Soleil “really” leave?
Welcome! I have to agree you are starting off better than Soleil. Glad to have you :)
Welcome, Kelly! Looks like you’ll fit right in!
Welcome aboard! I think a picture would be nice, maybe a nice profile. That way we can be the judge re: the “great rack”. :)
Ha! I laughed out loud at your intro – Welcome and don’t let the nasty ones get you down – they are obnoxious and immature and cannot accept change.
Looking forward to getting to know you better through your posts.
:)
Hey, welcome aboard. Congrazzi on not getting any negative posts yet btw, I think even Beet will be surprised on that one! Look forward to reading yr stuff :)
Maybe she’ll never get a hateful comment…ever. I remain hopeful!
Oh Wendie you got a rough start from us commenters but I’ve got to say (as if my opinion matters haha) that you have grown on me sooo much, I love your posts~
Hooray!
She hasn’t gotten any nasty posts yet because her intro was GREAT! :D
By this introduction, I already feel like I know her. GREAT JOB, can’t wait to get to read your stuff! :)
I am a complete word-nerd so that intro was like crack to me =P
Keep giving me my fix and I’ll love you forever!
Welcome. I must admit that my eyes glazed over halfway through your intro. I love words and have a habit of correcting grammar and spelling, but my add kicked in on this piece. It was madlibs gone awry. I know it’s just me, but I am not warm and fuzzy. Short and to the point, plenty of wit and sarcasm-you’ll have me at hello.
i still dont understand why everyone was so mean to soleil.
i loved her posts and i found her really funny.
I was one of the people who wasn’t a fan of Soleil through her time at Beet, and I have to say you have totally won me so far with your intro! I can’t wait to read some of your pieces, have a great weekend!
Soleil really did have to go, hopefully Kelly will fit right in! :)
hahaaha, amazing!!
Haha, amazing!
Your intro was awesome!
Welcome aboard :]
Welcome! Can we call you Rhubard from now on?
ha ha-nice!
also interested in hearing more about the tooth thing.
this is news-to me.
great intro! witty, fun and to the point! i am also a self-confessed word-nerd so my ears were perked up the whole way through! so i assume u love the nashville predators…or is it all types of hockey……give us sports gossip!
It’s a pleasure to meet you, Kelly! Just a quick read of your bc pill blog, and I think I’ve found my soulmate! I know EXACTLY what you mean!
I wish you the best of luck around here. Even though I think you’re a brilliant writer, already, I know that you will probably be too smart for some readers.
I look forward to your posts!
hi, kelly! my sister was born with an extra tooth and i was missing one!! you’re not my sister… are you?? hmm…
anyway, welcome, kelly. good luck with this crowd.
Welcome, Kelly, and good luck here!
Tennessee is where it’s at ;]
welcome!
awesome intro! love it! oh, and – welcome!
I promise not to hate you! or your rack…. especially not your rack
Good job, newbie ;)
Snarky-licious.
Yes. It’s a word in McMuffinville.
I might actually start coming around here more often.
Cheers
Welcome.
And damn it. Now I have another blog to compulsively check. Fuck.
Great intro though. I would have laughed, but its too early and I’ve had no caffine.
I to think that the SEC is the only conference in college football . So from one southern gal to the next WELCOME .
I’m just so pleased at the random MST3K reference. Hoorah!
Welcome!
Great intro!
wellcomessss.
Kelly! You’re perfect!
oh. my. god. you are an amazing writer. SO glad to have you around here. you had me at the word ‘odious’ in the first sentence. thank you for being so smart and witty. please continue in that fashion :). seriously, welcome and know how incredible it is that you have not gotten a single negative comment so far. that’s an evil beet miracle. people must really love you–i do already!
beet–MAD props.
I like!
Yes! Yours is the kind of writing that I dig! I likes!
Welcome, Kelly. I like you already, especially since you know that the word “nor” is only appropriate when used in conjunction with “neither.”
WORD!!!
i liked soleil a lot but you sound fantastic, too. welcome! great introduction.
Welcome! I was waiting to see just how you were going to work “rhubarb” in…nice job!
I love you Kelly! So happy to see you here!
Welcome!
waves at Kelly from Hermitage / West Wilson County. Welcome aboard.
As I read this I was finishing up a slice of strawberry rhubarb pie…
this was fate.
=]
Welcome
That Was Awesome! Welcome!!!!!!!
welcome, i can see you’ll be a nice addition to the team. :)
Well you’ve started out in a spectacular fashion. The first thing I read was “Like a buttercup in piss storm – two many shades of yellow,” and I laughed so hard I nearly cried.
Welcome!
I like this girl! I hope she never ever leaves.
as a student at the university of utah and a lifelong fan i’ll have to disagree with the SEC comment! Although the mountain west is just sad!
Welcome!
I think you’ll fit right in here!!
Are you a twin? My grandmother was born with 3 kidneys… her twin sisters was born with only 1. Random, I know, but slightly less so than the rhubarb.
Welcome.
:)
I could never do the weekend gig, or any gig here for that matter. There mere thought of getting on the bloggerstage and facing all these gone-off produce throwers makes me want to poop myself and squeak, though not necessarily in that order.
And Soleil, best of luck to you in all your future endeavors.
Oh Kelly…I love you. Your writing is impeccable. You are witty and sarcastic and all the other things that I love about Beet and Wendie. This is very exciting!
I also am a hockey, and more importantly Predators, fan. My family is in north Nashville. Are you north, south, east or west?
It is really great to have you here! Welcome.
welcome Kelly and nice intro
Hmmm…all you really had to say in your introduction was the part about being cute, liking the SEC (Go Vols) and that you had a nice rack. You should fit right in with the other two racks…welcome!
I love when new writers start especially when straight off the bat they make me laugh. Woohoo.
welcome.
Howdy Kelly,
Happy to “read” you….I spent a lot of my years growing up in E-town & Bowling Green KY, but Canadian by birth…I’m diggin your writing style & “voice” so far! Refreshing…not to say others sucked, but some voices & wit just come through clearer than others…Welcome!
Out-fucking-standing! Looking forward to more from you! Welcome
i <3 u already! BIENVENIDOS*
Just read the entire weekend backwards, wondering who this laugh-out-loud funny weekend contributor was… Thanks, and welcome aboard!
I did the same thing! Kelly you are awesome I am glad i’ll have something to look forward to on the weekends here now, not that Soleil was bad or anything…just that posting was always slow on weekends.