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Is there anything more odious than self-introduction? When I finished school, I thought I’d also be done with the humiliating process of standing up in front of a group of strangers, casting around for something “interesting” to say about myself and settling on inane (and slightly disturbing) things like, “I was born with an extra tooth and my sister was born missing one.” (True story btw).
But I guess it wouldn’t be right to just jump in here and start posting without at least saying hello and giving you some kind of idea of who or what I am. Feel free to completely skip this and just get back to reading posts about famous people (who never have to do self-introductions because they’re so famous). That’s what you’re here for, right?
Since I have to do this, I used the random word generator at watchout4snakes.com to get a list of words I could weave into a short (and very convoluted) self-introduction. Those words are:
pole
designer
anion
clupeid
preconize
shut
trash
clarify
clotted
delegated
rhubarb
inversely
scarce
quiet
preimbibed
friend
wording
slum
And yes, I had to look a few of those up. Here we go:
Since I’ll be taking over the weekend writer position, I thought it’d be a good idea to clarify the situation and preconize the changing of the weekend guard before the door fully swings shut on Soleil. I’ve been delegated as the newest member of the Evil Beet team, charged with carefully wording snarky posts that trash celebrities when they deserve it and occasionally praise them on those scarce occasions when they do right and don’t act like complete idiots with IQ’s that rival the Clupeid fish.
I live in Nashville, Tennessee, a once quiet city that has grown at a rate inversely proportional to the quality of the local music scene. I’m a big nerd and like to read things like Ken Jennings’ blog (he’ll write a post linking the discoverer of the anion to the child stars of Slum Dog Millionaire with less than six degrees of separation). But I make sure not to spend too much of my life in front of the computer, so that neither my conversation skills nor my complexion become clotted by too much exposure to monitor glare and not enough sunlight. I like to draw. I like the color chartreuse. I’m also a big hockey fan, and believe that the SEC is the only real conference in college football.
In terms of looks, I’m not hot enough (or ostentatious enough) to walk a runway for some haute couture designer or wrap myself nekkid around a stripper pole, but I get by. In fact, my friend Jessica suggested that my entire self-introduction should consist of, “I talk too much, but I’m cute, so it’s cool. Also, I have a nice rack. …please don’t hate me.”
I’m excited about becoming your new weekend dispenser for celebrity news shoved through a filter of sarcasm and acerbic wit. I promise to do my best to provide you with your fix, and promise not to preimbibe too much “writing juice” on Friday nights so you won’t have to wade through a string of posts that make about as much sense as Courtney Love’s Myspace blog.
It’s a pleasure to meet you.
Rhubarb.
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76 Responses to “How to Make a Proper Introduction”
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Welcome!
waves at Kelly from Hermitage / West Wilson County. Welcome aboard.
As I read this I was finishing up a slice of strawberry rhubarb pie…
this was fate.
=]
Welcome
That Was Awesome! Welcome!!!!!!!
welcome, i can see you’ll be a nice addition to the team. :)
Well you’ve started out in a spectacular fashion. The first thing I read was “Like a buttercup in piss storm – two many shades of yellow,” and I laughed so hard I nearly cried.
Welcome!
I like this girl! I hope she never ever leaves.
as a student at the university of utah and a lifelong fan i’ll have to disagree with the SEC comment! Although the mountain west is just sad!
Welcome!
I think you’ll fit right in here!!
Are you a twin? My grandmother was born with 3 kidneys… her twin sisters was born with only 1. Random, I know, but slightly less so than the rhubarb.
Welcome.
:)
I could never do the weekend gig, or any gig here for that matter. There mere thought of getting on the bloggerstage and facing all these gone-off produce throwers makes me want to poop myself and squeak, though not necessarily in that order.
And Soleil, best of luck to you in all your future endeavors.
Oh Kelly…I love you. Your writing is impeccable. You are witty and sarcastic and all the other things that I love about Beet and Wendie. This is very exciting!
I also am a hockey, and more importantly Predators, fan. My family is in north Nashville. Are you north, south, east or west?
It is really great to have you here! Welcome.
welcome Kelly and nice intro
Hmmm…all you really had to say in your introduction was the part about being cute, liking the SEC (Go Vols) and that you had a nice rack. You should fit right in with the other two racks…welcome!
I love when new writers start especially when straight off the bat they make me laugh. Woohoo.
welcome.
Howdy Kelly,
Happy to “read” you….I spent a lot of my years growing up in E-town & Bowling Green KY, but Canadian by birth…I’m diggin your writing style & “voice” so far! Refreshing…not to say others sucked, but some voices & wit just come through clearer than others…Welcome!
Out-fucking-standing! Looking forward to more from you! Welcome
i <3 u already! BIENVENIDOS*
Just read the entire weekend backwards, wondering who this laugh-out-loud funny weekend contributor was… Thanks, and welcome aboard!
I did the same thing! Kelly you are awesome I am glad i’ll have something to look forward to on the weekends here now, not that Soleil was bad or anything…just that posting was always slow on weekends.