Charlie Sheen’s Marital Skills Suck

To any human with an IQ over 88, this is as obvious a fact as the sun being yellow or Mischa being a talentless waste of air.  And no, I never will miss an opportunity to insult her.  Back to Charlie.  His latest marriage, the one that’s five months old?  Yeah…it’s in trouble.  An In Touch Magazine article tells the all too familiar tale of a pregnant Sheen bride heading for the hills. 

With twin baby boys on the way, Charlie Sheen and his new wife, Brooke Mueller, should be enjoying one of the happiest times in their lives. Instead, their five-month marriage is being tested.

“Charlie and Brooke are going through a rough patch,” an insider says. “They are arguing a lot.”

Brooke, 31, is so shook up over Charlie, she needed a little getaway to relax and de-stress. A close friend says she might have flown to Palm Beach, Fla. to stay with her mother Moira Fiore. “I’m not saying that she’s not here,” Moira tells In Touch. “I really can’t say anything.”

Another source says that Brooke has been hard to reach. “I have not talked to her at all. Her voice mail is full and she hasn’t been in touch with anyone.”

According to a source, Brooke is worried that Charlie, 43, who has battled many demons, might be slipping back to some of his bad-boy behaviors since they’ve announced having the babies.

“Charlie has intimacy issues sometimes,” an insider says. “After getting too close with anyone, he retreats.”

I understand that Brooke’s mother is probably unaccustomed to releasing statements so I’d like to reach out to her and give her a tip.  Any form of “I cannot confirm or deny” is a confirmation.  OK?  No means no and everything else means yes.

I’ll tell you exactly what happened.  Charlie and Brooke decided to get pregnant because really, what better way to celebrate a brand new union?  Can’t couples just get a family Costco membership first?  Why does it always have to go straight to procreation?  She got pregnant with the ever fashionable twin fetuses and Charlie freaked out (“intimacy issues”) and started fucking hookers (“retreats”).  None of this is fact and it is just completely my opinion.  But when Brooke’s tell-all memoir comes out, I’ll be giving my address to anyone who would like to send me gifts to thank me for being such a visionary.  Cashmere and lavender are favorites.