Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Lauren Conrad to the Rescue!

As annoying as LC is sometimes on The Hills, I kind of wish I always had a little Lauren Conrad in my pocket to dole out sensible advice. Like, I went on this blind date on Saturday night. And the guy’s a total creepball. I mean, he’s just so obviously lying about everything. He says he’s some big M&A guy for some private equity firm — although he also mentioned, at one point, that he ran a hedge fund — and he tells me he’s in Seattle working to close the Microsoft/Yahoo merger. And I’m like, “Oh, didn’t you get the memo that that merger fell through last week? It was, like, all over the news …” and he was like “It’s still going on, just under the radar. I probably shouldn’t even be telling you this,” and I’m like, “It’s okay, because I don’t believe you.” And he won’t let me see his car. And he has a $50 cell phone. And I tell him like eighteen times that I’m from Arizona and he keeps asking me where I’m from. And I mention like four times that I walked to the bar we met at, because it was like a mile from my house, and he keeps saying shit like “So where’d you park?” Unbelievable. And then he tells the waitress that I’m his girlfriend of four years. Like, total pathological liar creep.

But here’s the thing, you guys: he waaaay hot. Like, model-quality hot. Like, absolutely freakin’ gorgeous. And he wants to come back with me to my apartment and I find myself actually considering this. I mean, I’m completely aware that this guy is a loser asshole, but, come on, he’s hot! And all of a sudden I have a little LC in my ear like, “Beet, he doesn’t deserve you! You need to respect yourself! I mean, he totally lied!” And I’m like “You’re right, LC!” And I tell him I think I’m just going to go home alone. And then he emails me at 4 am like “I MISS YOU ALREADY!” and then he texts me on Sunday like “Happy mother’s day from Leo … ruff ruff!” which would have been insanely cute coming from a guy who wasn’t completely fucking crazy but from him I was just like “Leave my fucking dog out of your crazy!” and I’m like “OMG I am so glad I didn’t sleep with this psychopath.” So, thank you, voice of Lauren Conrad in my head.

What was the point of this story?

Oh, yeah.

So Lindsay Lohan was freaking out at an LA bar last night over a huge fight she’d had with girlfriend Samantha Ronson.

And who was there to console her?

Lauren Conrad, who comforted Lindsay as she sobbed.

LC should totally have her own daytime talk show. I’d watch that shit.

19 CommentsLeave a comment

  • Good Choice Beet. You saw 30 Rock right? It didn’t happen but could have and it would have been a nightmare. You better get yourself some of those fake cheeto’s Liz Lemon is obsessed with. MMMMMMmmmmmmmm-bull sperm!

  • Oh my god! I’m having to do the whole silently laugh while trying not to pee my pants thing at work.

    “Leave my fucking dog out of your crazy!”

    was just TOO good.

  • good choice. the guy sounds insane… just try to block out the hotness haha

    ps i love LC also

  • You’re lucky – I made the mistake of marrying the crazy guy I went out with. I needed a little LC 6 years ago to tell me to RUN!

  • You totally shoulda slept with him! I mean, he’s hot, right?
    You never have to see the guy again, just have a fun little romp in the sack for the night!

    ps. in my marketing class there’s this guy with the BIGGEST hands on the planet. no joke. it’s week 7 of the term and I CAN’T BELIEVE I hadn’t noticed earlier. I mean, size doesn’t matter, yada yada yada, but that guy made me horny as HELL!!!

  • You have so much more power than me…I totally would have bagged him, then told him the next morning that I was…I don’t married, or a lesbian and it was no good or something. I have no self control when it comes to hot boys

  • Good luck dating in Seattle… you’ll notice the longer you live here… the more likely it is that you’ll be dating someone your oddly connected too… Seattle is a pretty small big city. Trust me, it get’s weird… really weird…

    This was awesome BTW… You just made my day.

  • Beet, you totally made the right choice….crazy can be like impossible to get rid of and then crazy can get pissed off…..”I miss you already” is potential crazy pissed off about to be scaryshit stalker guy. I spend part of my professional life helping to get rid of guys like this….jeez girl, you dodged a bullet there!

  • Now that I am single again, is this the type of guy that I can look forward to?
    Dear God, I just got rid of the world’s biggest liar, creepo and now I have to face a future of dating more of them? Jesus, I guess I will just stay home with my cats and dog and eat really horrible snack foods. If it had been me, I probably would have disrespected myself and invited him to my place just cause he was hot. You made the smart choice. I would have made the idiots choice. : )

  • Beet- I’m wondering what you’re opinion is on the Lauren Conrad and Heidi Montag ordeal. I saw Heidi on The Ellen Degeneres Show today and she seemed nice enough…

  • Gabriela, you’re so silly. He’s only acting crazy (texting and stuff) cuz he wants the sex. If he would have got what he wanted the first night, he wouldn’t be doing all this crazy stuff.

  • If a hot guy has to be crazy (texting and stuff) to get sex…..then??? He has a problem.

    He a scary loser.

  • This is why I read you blog :) I was just having the most horrible day, until I read about a mini LC in your pocket. Your too funny.

    All hot people are insane.

  • OMG
    I cannot believe someone would do that!
    You made me laugh so hard.

    Plus: You’re right. She should totally have a talk show about women that ask Lauren for advidce on getting respect from men. She was born for doing that. I bet that-s the thing she does best.

  • psycho’s make some of the best sex partners… they have sex with so much feeling and emotion… dont delete his email address girl.