Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Hillary Clinton and Angelina Jolie Probably Shouldn’t Mate


Because it turns out they’re ninth cousins.

And Brad Pitt? He’s a ninth cousin of Barack Obama.


Only on a slow news day, people. Only on a slow news day.

Pitt and Obama are ninth cousins, linked by Edwin Hickman, who died in Virginia in 1769, the researchers found.

Clinton … and Jolie, meanwhile, are ninth cousins, twice removed because they are both related to Jean Cusson who died in St. Sulpice, Quebec, in 1718.


And I went to elementary school with John McCain’s daughter. No, really, I did. She was a couple of years below me. I was her 4th grade reading buddy. She wore big red glasses and she was adorable. I’m gonna call my PR agency. We oughtta issue a press release on a slow news day.

8 CommentsLeave a comment

  • My mother was taught how to drive by Dennis Hastert. Evidently, he didn’t care if you smoked pot in the back seat of the car either.

  • Speaking of Hillary Clinton:

    There is bad news about her husband.

    It is opined that Bill Clinton committed racist hate crimes, and I am not free to say anything further about it.

    Respectfully Submitted by Andrew Y. Wang, J.D. Candidate
    B.S., Summa Cum Laude, 1996
    Messiah College, Grantham, PA
    Lower Merion High School, Ardmore, PA, 1993

    (I can type 90 words per minute, and there are probably thousands of copies on the Internet indicating the content of this post.)
    “If only it were possible to ban invention that bottled up memories so they never got stale and faded.” Off the top of my head—it came from my Lower Merion High School yearbook.