Jaslene, baby, I’m sorry, but you’re out.
Blake Lively, welcome to the bedroom of my imaginary lesbian life. You know, the one I have only in the voice I use to write this blog. (I say this because my mother mentioned that she disliked reading about my lesbian girl crushes. When her friends ask what I do for a living, she tells them I do “independent Internet work.” I’m like, “Jesus, Mom, why don’t you just come out and say I do porn?” Mom, darling, don’t be embarrassed of me, be embarrassed of the voice.)
Isn’t she just adorable? Fresh-faced, perky and upbeat! Her smile warms my heart! She’s like Hayden Panettiere but thin!
Man, it sure is a good thing I’m not a dude. I’d totally be one of those assholes who’s like, “You’re beautiful, sweetie. I mean, it wouldn’t kill you to lose ten pounds. But you’re beautiful just the way you are.”
Blake walked the carpet at the Hamptons Film Festival (everyone has a film festival) to promote Elvis and Anabelle, where she plays the title female character. Wow, attending a premiere for a film you’re actually in? Take that, Tara Reid!
Her name is fucken Blake, your mom won’t suspect a thing. Blake Ryan. Ha!
She is rather good looking isn’t she. hmmm. ahahah.