Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Alba Wants to Hit it and Quit it!


There are times when it’s good to be a man living in the 21st century. This is one of those times as it was just announced that:

    Alba wants no-strings sex

Now look here. Jess Alba can’t act her way out of a paper bag. I’m sure she’s nice enough and would probably be really pleasant to your pops as he leered at her all the way through dinner. But let’s face the cold hard facts – you marry Alba for one thing. To carry her hotness to future generations, and that’s it. She’s not going to win you a Pulitzer. She’s not go to build a better rocket ship. She’s not going to evoke tears as the Oscar audience gasps in delight at her acceptance speech. Which is why today’s news is all the more wonderful, you can now leave the duty of “dating, marriage, commitment, having to call back” to some other poor shmoe!

She told Cosmopolitan magazine: “I just wanted to see what it was like to be with different people. I don’t think a girl’s a slut if she enjoys sex.

I agree with her here, and I would hope that women enjoy sex. It’s sort of a nice thing if the person you’re with isn’t thinking “man, this is so NOT enjoyable.”

“I could have a one-night stand, and I’m the kind of girl who looks over in the morning and is like, ‘Do you really have to be here?’ I don’t need to cuddle and do all that stuff because I know what it is and I don’t try to make it more.”

No, Ms. Alba I do not have to be here. I’d be pleased to gather my belongings and hit the road. If I’m lucky I can call everyone I know before they’re asleep. Also, I have a specific “cuddling” girlfriend whom I don’t ever talk to or screw. We just hold each other. It’s quite nice actually, y’all should try that.

Check out some more!

“I feel like a lot of women try to make it into more, so they don’t feel so bad about just wanting to have sex. I don’t really have a problem with just wanting sex. Never have.”

No, seriously, who is feeding you these lines? Is it Sully? Did Sully put you up to this? Also, do you have my contact info? Sometimes I just want some sex too, we have something in common! Let’s not talk about that too much though, we’ve got other things to do my sweet.

“Even when I was a virgin and wanted to marry the first guy who I slept with, I never passed any judgments about that. But now I’m done with dating around.”

Okay, guys, note what happened here because it’s subtle and yet a huge paradigm shift. “Dating around” NOT “sleeping around” is the new enemy. Did you see that? Did you see what she just did there? That’s bloody brilliant if you ask me. I say we need a whole new language, stuff like “ugh, she’s a total dater” and “that one just wants to have relationship with you for your mind.” This is a sea change ladies and gents and I advise that we all get on board.

Please note this is in no way an endorsement of Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer which is rated PG and thus will suck so hard it will create vortex.

11 CommentsLeave a comment