“[It lasted] like, two seconds. Then I was just over it. I was like, ‘Ahh.’ I was over it. I just, like, walked away. I’m not turned on by Hef. Sorry.”

- Loving, doting Crystal Harris talking to Howard Stern about her ex-fiance, Hugh Hefner.

Thanks so much, girl. You know I was wondering what the life of a fame whore might be like. You know I was doing some serious pondering on the issue of marrying for money and also so more people would be interested in your vagina. So glad you could answer these questions. I know I can always count on you, Crystal. Never change!

Image by Decipher, courtesy of the LotR TCG Database

You guys, I have the raddest story about English actor Sean Bean! I jazzed it up a little, but it’s mostly true.

There once was a man — a tall man with a fair and noble face, proud and stern of glance — and that man was The Lord of the Rings’ Sean Bean.

So there Sean Bean was, standing outside his favorite pub with his pal Gwirithiel Laerwyn, having a smoke and a pint of Eastfarthing’s finest ale. By any account, Gwirithiel is a good-looking gal, as her stint in Playboy France can attest. Yes, Sean Bean’s summery afternoon ought to have stayed pleasant.

But what was this! Just as Sean Bean swilled the last of his beer, some wayfaring, villainous stranger staggered over and addressed young Gwirithiel with some sort of sexual insult. (Here we can only guess what the man really said to her — the Daily Mail doesn’t state any specifics, but promises the words were lewd.)

Furious, the heroic Sean Bean gave chase, pursuing the stranger down the street. “Sedho!” Sean Bean might have shouted after the man. “Pedich an orme!” he maybe demanded. But the stranger escaped on foot and, their encounter seemingly finished, our champion Sean Bean returned to the bar.

But later, when Sean Bean went out to the sidewalk to enjoy another cigarette, the stranger was waiting! He stepped out of the shadows, armed with a shard of broken glass. He plunged the glass into Sean Bean’s arm, then punched the movie star square in the face.

Here’s where the story gets totally legendary: Sean Bean, bloodied, trudged back into the pub. The barworkers were horrified. They asked Sean Bean if he needed to go to the hospital. Sean Bean declined; Sean Bean ordered another drink instead.

Well, OK. It all went down at the Hill Bar and Brasserie in Camden, actually, and maybe Sean Bean doesn’t really speak Elvish. But like I said, mostly true.

Life & Style is reporting the Hugh Hefner’s fiancée Crystal Harris was seen cozying up to Dr. Phil’s son last night at Bar Marmont in Hollywood. The two sat closely and while Crystal wasn’t too inappropriate, Phil’s son, Jordan McGraw, was all over her, kissing her shoulders and holding her hand out in the open where anyone could see. Disrespectful, dude.

Crystal and Hef were engaged back in December, and while Hef has let his other girlfriends date in the past (so long as they weren’t disrespectful about it,) I have a feeling that he did not sign off on his fiancée talking to other men. In fact, a source close to Crystal told the magazine, “They’ve been sneaking around because Crystal is supposed to be happily engaged to Hef, and going out in public with Jordan would tarnish Hef and Crystal’s relationship image.”

I wonder what the broken-hearted Holly would have to say about this news…

Neil Strauss has written a new book called Everyone Loves You When You’re Dead, in which he shares several anecdotes from his interactions with various celebrities over the years. I skimmed a piece about the book on my plane ride to SXSW and the whole thing sounds like a juicy read, but now that I’ve read about his completely awful and totally racist conversation with Paris Hilton, I am for sure picking up a copy of this book.

LA Weekly spilled on Neil’s 1999 encounter with Paris, who was more or less unknown at the time. After popping a hit of E, Paris told Neil about the boob job she had at 14 that her mother later made her undo, and that she was hoping to pose for Playboy in the future. Oh, and there’s a whole thing about how, after making out with Vin Diesel, she was immediately disgusted because she realized he was part black.

From the book:

HILTON: I went out with that guy last night.
Which guy?
HILTON (points to an actor in Saving Private Ryan): We were making out, but then we went somewhere where it was bright and I saw that he was black and made an excuse and left. I can’t stand black guys. I would never touch one. It’s gross. (pauses). Does that guy look black to you?
How black does a guy have to be?
HILTON: One percent is enough for me.

Let’s not act even remotely surprised by this news, because I’m pretty sure we’ve all known for awhile now that Paris Hilton is a racist twit. Still, it’s kind of funny that Paris was getting so fucked up so regularly back then that she had no idea whose tongue was in her mouth, and yet black people are the gross ones. Nice, girl. Nice.

Although she initially denied its existence, Heidi Montag is now privately coping to her participation in a sex tape that’s set to be released by her soon-to-be-ex-husband Spencer Pratt. And she’s ready to secure herself a nice little chunk of the profits.

From TMZ:

We’re told Heidi has agreed to listen to Vivid Entertainment honcho Steve Hirsch when he arrives in Costa Rica to make an offer on the footage … some of which is said to contain girl-on-girl action with Playboy Playmate Karissa Shannon.

We’re told Heidi wants Hirsch to provide her with the sales numbers on Kim Kardashian’s sex tape — which was also released through Vivid — because Heidi may be interested in working out a “back-end deal” if Steve can’t offer enough cash up front to satisfy Montag.

None of this news should come as a surprise. Heidi is notorious for knowing how to stretch her fifteen minutes, and it wouldn’t be too shocking to find out that this is all an extension of the plan that she’s clearly made with Spencer to stay relevant. You can talk a lot of trash about someone like Heidi Montag, but there’s something to be said for someone who can recognize that they’re a parrot and a moron and chooses to sit back and take direction. She’s a hell of a lot richer than most of us will ever be.

Playboy has two covers out for its December issue.  Chelsea Handler who saw it for the first time on Leno and Joanna Krupa who thinks posing nude is the way for women to be able to compete with men in the salary game.  Jump in if you’d like to know a little bit more about Joanna.  Of course, if you buy December’s Playboy I suspect that you’ll know just about all there is to know about the model.

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