I do honestly believe that Michael Jackson was a sad and misunderstood man-child, doomed to isolation, who never knew a normal life. Maybe a certain amount of retconning is required to arrive at that conclusion: I’m soft.

La Toya Jackson‘s new memoir, Starting Over, is a real downer. Much of the book centers on her brother’s paranoia that people were out to kill him (she still shares his suspicions, not to mention his fake nose). And while La Toya Jackson isn’t my go-to for facts-based narratives, this is some pretty dark stuff.

She holds that Michael Jackson warned her, on multiple occasions, that he was going to get offed:

‘La Toya, I’m going to be murdered for my music publishing catalog and my estate,’ he had told me again and again. Michael believed there was a conspiracy.

La Toya still suspects her brother’s business adviser, the mysterious Dr. Tohme Tohme, of leading a cabal against MJ:

As soon as he began acting as Michael’s business adviser, he fired key people who had been close to Michael for years. … Once Tohme shut out the rest of the world, he would be able to steer Michael toward business ventures that were profitable for Tohme and his friends.

La Toya adds that her brother was deeply wary of all drugs and medication, including aspirin, which makes his addiction to painkillers all the more out-of-character.

She also quotes Paris, alleging these were his last words to his now 13-year-old daughter:

Prince and I were arguing, and Daddy said, ‘Stop fighting with your brother. I’m not always going to be here, and you’re going to have to be the lady and watch over them.’

Paris remembers Michael’s last days, his body ravaged by illness:

Daddy was always cold. … He would sit and fall asleep by the fireplace. He would always cry. And we would watch to make sure everything was fine. … And he needed a doctor. And then, they turned the lights out. We were in the dark … and they cut the phones off.

True crime or shameless cash-in? Whether treachery really were afoot—or more likely, Michael Jackson simply suffered an untimely end—Michael’s family sure knows how to paint a grim picture.

Are any of you still into Celebrity Apprentice? Because they’re making another season of it and so far the cast they have lined up is… hilarious.

According to EW, the next group of D-listers to line up for The Donald include Starr Jones, Mark McGrath and my personal favorite, La Toya Jackson. A perfect start, if you ask me.

So who else do we think they should cast? I would love to see Carrot Top, Delta Burke, and Scott Disick. The first two are purely for the LOLs, but I’d like to see Scott try and prove that he has what it takes to do anything.

Are you happy with the Celebrity Apprentice picks so far and who else would you like to see on the show this season?

I’m feeling nostalgic so I figured that a 25-year-old picture of Michael and LaToya, taken back in the day when he was black and she had original cartilage, was appropriate.  With the exception of singing backup on “Pretty Young Thing”, LaToya’s success has been largely overshadowed by Michael and Janet.  As much as I hate to say it, MJ’s death has been a huge career boost to some of the less-famous Jacksons. 

Sure, we all know LaToya really came into her own as lead endorser for the Psychic Friends Hotline, but now she’s in serious talks to be a contestant on Dancing With The Stars.  That’s, like, a major network hit show!  I feel confident that, previous to this newest development, LaToya’s dealings with producers have been limited to those in the “infomercials that air when the world is asleep” industry.  Nothing about LaToya says “primetime”, yet everything about LaToya says “Magic Bullet”.

I ask you:  Would these negotiations be taking place if Michael was still alive and popping pills whilst wasting away in his Craftmatic adjustable bed?

I’ve decided to title every piece that I write about the Michael Jackson debacle as “Of Course …”  It’s all so frigging predictable.  The DNA tests, the court battles, toxicology reports, and tribute songs — if a screenwriter was working on a script for the Michael Jackson biopic, this is exactly how it would be written.  Except this constant dramatic merry-go-round of revelations is actually happening. 

Needless to say, there was no shock when I learned that LaToya raced to the studio to record a song about Michael.  Cutting a single — it’s what the Jackson family does.  Now, I’m not an expert in music and I’m sure I’m not using the right terms, so bear with me.  LaToya Jackson’s soon-to-be-released single, “Home” is — hmm … what’s it called? — oh, a studio-manufactured piece of vacuous crap.

Guys, you aren’t going to believe this!  Remember the other day when I told you all about LaToya Jackson and her allegations of murder regarding her brother Michael?  She was really full of opinions and gave a four-hour interview to News of the World.  Not only did she claim that MJ was offed, she seemed to know who the guilty parties were. 

Well, this is a pretty earth-shattering revelation, but I guess LaToya was paid for that interview.  I know, I know … I was shocked too!  It’s just impossible for me to fathom that any member of the Jackson clan would try and turn a profit from the death of one of their closest loved ones.

In other really weird Michael Jackson news, for some unknown reason Us magazine thought it would be a good idea to release never-before-seen video footage from MJ’s 1984 Pepsi commercial taping.  It’s a clear close-up of Michael’s hair catching on fire.  Watching people who are unknowingly ablaze holds no interest to me, but lots have emailed wanting to see it.  Use your own judgment, but if you want to see it, here you go.

 Jackson has erased any doubt as to where she stands on the death of her brother Michael.  In a four-hour interview with News of the World, she shares her belief that her brother was murdered for his money and Beatles song catalog.  “We don’t think just one person was involved in the murder. It was a conspiracy to get Michael’s money.  I know who did it and I won’t rest until I nail them!”  While LaToya is busy screwing the suspects, I hope the police get involved in making some arrests.

She also discussed the condition of Jackson’s body as more evidence supporting her theory of foul play.  “He had many needle marks on his neck and on his arms, and more about those will emerge in the next few weeks. But nothing has changed my mind that this was murder and I won’t give up until I find out what killed my brother.  A couple of years ago Michael told me he was worried that people were out to get him. He said, ‘They’re gonna kill me for my publishing. They want my catalogues and they’re gonna kill me for these.’”

Michael’s sister asserts that the people who most closely surrounded the pop star controlled his environment and kept him from family.  “They tried to keep the family away at all times, even my dad.  Michael was being controlled. No one could get through to him.  We wanted to know why we were being kept away and my father Joe was always trying to get to see him. He tried so hard to be there for Michael. He was seen as a threat but he was trying to help. And if you keep the family away, you can conquer. It’s like they say, divide and conquer.”

LaToya also takes credit for ordering the second autopsy.  She already knows the result of the toxicology reports performed by the family’s coroner and could only say “I think everyone will be surprised when the results come out.”   Listen, the only way people are going to be surprised is if  his blood work comes back showing nothing except Flintstone vitamins.

LaToya had so much more to say — after all, when was the last time the media wanted to talk to her? — that you can read here.  Is there any doubt that she’ll be speaking to reporters for the rest of her life about Michael’s “murder,” children, and legacy?