I hope I’m not ruining your Thanksgiving plans—which were, of course, to sit down with a six-pack of beer, cue up the DVR, and watch the season finale of Dancing with the Stars, all while weeping softly—by telling you what happened on the show last night.

Oh, well, here goes: motivational speaker and All My Children star J.R. Martinez is officially the Season 13 winner. (Thirteen seasons! How, even? I’m not sure I understand how TV works anymore.)

Martinez and his partner, Karina Smirnoff, barely defeated Rob Kardashian in the gripping reality-dancing competition. The other finalist, Ricki Lake, was edged out of the contest earlier in the evening.

Martinez’ victory is inspirational—the 28-year old is a veteran and survivor of the War in Iraq—and it was certainly deserved, too, as anyone who witnessed his moves can attest.

But according to Page Six, Rob Kardashian and partner Cheryl Burke actually finished the competition ahead of J.R. Martinez (albeit by one measly point), while Martinez outpaced Kardashian in terms of viewers’ votes. And because Dancing with the Stars is as much a popularity contest as it is a challenge of skill, there’s some speculation that Kardashian lost on account of the family name. In fact, Rob’s chances at winning were probably seriously injured the night the Kardashian girls sat in the audience.

Not to diminish J.R.’s victory or anything, but yeah. Yeesh.

(Image via Digital Spy.)

Here’s a picture of  engaged Dancing With The Stars stars Karina Smirnoff and Maksim Chmerkovskiy taken on August 30th.  Ten days ago.  Today, Karina’s rep confirms that the couple are through.  They will still be performing together on DWTS.

I wonder where it all went wrong.  They recently announced that they were postponing their wedding until next summer due to busy schedules.  ”Busy schedules” is often code for “trouble on the horizon.”  I don’t know.  Maks was always kind of a jerk — he’s the dude who implied that co-stars Lacey Schwimmer and Cheryl Burke were fat.  Whatever.

Anyway, I guess this is more proof that quickie engagements don’t always pan out.  They announced their intent to marry just six months after Karina’s split from Mario Lopez.  Sad, I guess.

In the News That Would Never Be Covered If Anything Else Were Happening category, Dancing With the Stars dancers Karina Smirnoff and Maksim Chmerkovskiy are now engaged.  Sigh…can you imagine what their children will look like?  Beyond abnormal genetic blessings, babies will probably pasa doble right down her birth canal. 

Their engagement comes a little more than six months after Smirnoff ended her two-year relationship with Mario Lopez.  On days like today, when I’m feeling bored and restless, I imagine Mario finding out about the engagement and there being some big dance-off to win Karina’s love.  In all fairness, my school district made us watch West Side Story every single day that it rained and we couldn’t have recess.  And also, every single year on the last day of school.  It isn’t my fault.