Remember I told you about Weston Cage and his wife’s freakout yesterday that resulted in jail and blood and gore? IT APPARENTLY GETS BETTER (or worse, depending on your point of view). Cage is now filing for divorce from his wife of three months, Nikki, who not only just got out of rehab, but is also pregnant (presumably with his child, but you never do know with these things). Cage took to his Facebook page of all places and announced “Made my choice. Getting divorced.” He also defended himself, saying that he’d never hit his wife:

“Never hit my wife. why would i start abusing after she was positive after taking a pregnant-c test.”

Then, he left one final message and shut up about the whole thing:

“Have fun killing my child Breyan Prescott.”

So, yeah. That’s a bit effed up. “Have fun” killing a child? Yikes. I mean, is he referring to the child when he says “Breyan Prescott,” or is Breyan Prescott like code word for a drug? Or another dude she might have been sleeping with that’s abusive, too? Kids these days.  I just don’t know anymore.

The Situation just quit Jersey Shore. [The Superficial]

What does Stephenie Meyer have up her sleeves now? [Lainey Gossip]

Nicole Scherzinger must be the most flexible woman alive. [theBerry]

Brand-new Nicki Minaj music. [Bossip]

Can someone explain what’s happening to Anne Hathaway’s face? [Starpulse]

Yes, Jennifer Aniston is taking a break from movies to be a full-time lover. LOL [ICYDK]

The FINAL Harry Potter cast photo. Break out the hankies! [Pajiba]

Jennifer Aniston, believe it or not, is STILL TALKING ABOUT HER DIVORCE. [Huffington Post]

Roseanne Barr goes crazy on her Twitter, stirs up publicity for her new show. [CDL]

EXCLUSIVE: Jonas Brother reunion? [Celebuzz]

Al Pacino is apparently playing Jesus for HBO. [Caught on Set]

Olivia Wilde thinks that we think that she’s a goddess or something. [Cele|bitchy]

Paulina Porizkova naked. [Celebrity Rant]

Jessica Alba feels persecuted by Hollywood. OK. [The Blemish]

Because if we do, collectively, here’s her newest song, ‘Let Me Down.’ Kelly claims that the album itself, which is supposed to drop this fall, is pretty diverse. She claims:

“This album was influenced by Prince, Tina Turner, Sheryl Crow, Radiohead and there’s a little bit of a Country vibe/influence on a couple of songs.”

Both Radiohead and Sheryl Crow? … That’s a pretty interesting combination. Just like the song. It sounds like it’s a bit of everybody that’s ever had a hit record, including our recent favorite mom, Pink. I don’t know about you guys, but I’m not all that excited about this. I mean, give me some ‘Since You’ve Been Gone,’ or even ‘Miss Independent’ any day and I’ll be happy, but this? I’m just all sorts of meh over it.

Wow, guys, talk about frumptastic.

Amber Rose was photographed here at some thing in Atlantic City hosted by Jamie Foxx, and she was barely recognizable with all that … hair. I’m not a big Amber Rose fan by any means, but the baldness is definitely an improvement upon this monstrosity. What’s the deal with all these “celebrities” trying to rock big red curls anyway? It hasn’t seemed to work for a damn one of them. GIVE IT UP!

Was this girlfriend’s way of trying to distract us from those naked photos, possibly? Because really, I’d rather look at the crazy-assed nudes all day long than spend another second looking at this hot mess.

Last November, in one of the lamest events of 2010, Willie Nelson was detained in Sierra Blanca, Texas (population 533, home of America’s Largest Sewage Dump) for having a stinky tour bus. He was subsequently arrested and charged with possession of drug paraphernalia, a misdemeanor offense that carries no jail time.

This June, it seemed as though Nelson struck a pretty good plea deal: if he coughed up a $500 fine and court expenses, he could go on his merry way, the prosecutor decided. Because what kind of sicko would toss a frail, 78-year-old stoner in the clink?

Why, Hudspeth County Judge Becky Dean-Walker sure would! The plea deal sounded like “special treatment” to her, and she’d rather make an example out of the legendary singer-songwriter.

As Judge Dean-Walker explained to the New York Times, “If Willie Nelson gets off with nothing, I’m not going to be part of it.” She also told Reuters, “I’m not going to be guilty of signing something because someone is a celebrity… Everybody should be treated the same in my court.” She told the local West Texas ABC affiliate, “To me, [the plea deal was] wrong. I think that he should be charged with something that shows drugs were involved.”

That’s why Judge Dean-Walker rejected the plea deal, demanding instead that the prosecutor, County Attorney C.R. Bramblett, seek a harsher punishment—that is, the judge is trying to get Willie Nelson nailed with misdemeanor drug possession, which is punishable with jail time.

Last week Judge Dean-Walker told press she initially signed the plea deal by accident, then scratched her name off the document again. She kind of reminds me of my hometown Angel of Vengeance (I’m secretly from Texas).

If the case goes to trial, Willie Nelson faces up to a year of jail time. The very idea horrifies me. He’s so old! As I see it, Judge Dean-Walker is trying to kill Willie Nelson. That was almost my headline, actually, but I reconsidered.

And now for my favorite hobby, Armchair Lawyering: If I were Prosecutor Bramblett, I’d just trump up a baseless felony charge. That plan probably couldn’t backfire, and at least they’d get a different judge.

I also just discovered that Willie’s Place—the Willie Nelson -themed truck stop, easily the most heavenly place in Texas—shuttered earlier this year. Oh, Willie! Just get out of Texas once and for all; she’s no good to you.

Good morning, Thursdayheads! In the morning, I always like to pour myself a cup of old, reheated coffee, burn a bagel, and pretend to read a newspaper. (Usually I just flip around until I find “The Wizard of Id” or “Pickles,” because I am basically 12.)

If I were like a real adult, though, maybe I’d be reading the Wall Street Journal right now, but then again, probably only its movie reviews. And I’d be looking for the pictures—you know, the distinctive little stipple-and-crosshatching dealies. God, I love those. They’re so classy.

Here are six consecutive years of Harry Potter portraits (or, as I just mistyped, “Harry Porters”), commissioned for the Wall Street Journal‘s movie reviews section. In them, Daniel Radcliffe is visibly aging at a breakneck speed. Boy, it really piques your morbid fascination, doesn’t it? Puts you in touch with your sense of mortality? (Yeah, I know, it’s too early in the day, sorry.)

These illustrations, I just discovered, are properly known in publishing lingo as hedcuts, which makes sense, because I always (correctly!) assumed they are meant to look like woodcuts. They are not called “hedcuts” because the “heds” appear to have been “cut” away from the subjects’ bodies, although that is a pretty good guess.

Hedcuts are the WSJ’s trademark, and the WSJ is duly self-obsessed with them. I think they’re beautiful. I will probably use a hedcut of Kelly Ripa or Alex Blagg as my iPhone wallpaper.