Because honestly, I can’t imagine Ke$ha caring about much of anything outside of oral sex, Jack Daniels, penises, Massengil, and Krispy Kreme doughnuts, you know? It just doesn’t compute all that well that Ke$ha is sticking up for those crazily-adorable baby seals. I’m glad PETA thinks that they have someone all cool and cutting-edge to peddle their mantras, but they really should have checked out someone a bit more reliable in their personality. Ke$ha’s like the wind, you guys.

Apparently Jennifer Lopez is not the World’s Most Beautiful Woman. [The Superficial]

That cheating rumor’s really hitting Angelina hard. [Lainey Gossip]

Sarah Palin gets a restraining order against a stalker who’s threatening to rape the Palin family. [Bossip]

Robert Pattinson buys Kristen Stewart a 17k ring. Wonder what that means. [Hollywood Dame]

I hope Hugh Grant isn’t turning into one of those weird conspiracy theorists. [Cele|Bitchy]

The gay basketball league wants Kobe Bryant. [TMZ]

Dianna Agron talks about being in a relationship with Lea Michele. [The Frisky]

Chris Hemsworth word-fucks Natalie Portman and Anthony Hopkins. [Socialite Life]

Ke$ha officially cannot sing. For her life. Or anyone else’s. [OMGBlog]

Did Beyonce get fat? [Yeeeah]

Michael Shannon: still creeping people the eff out. [IDLYITW]

I’ll be the first to admit, I have no idea whether or not Taylor Lautner is a ‘good’ actor; I’ve never seen any of the Twilight movies, and at this rate, I probably never will (thank God I made it). However, Lautner’s gone and launched his Big Boy Movie Career, and the first real movie post-Twilight is called Abduction. More or less, it’s about a kid who finds out in the most bitching way ever that he was either adopted, or stolen from his birth parents. The movie stars all sorts of cool people like Sigourney Weaver, Alfred Molina, and Maria Bello, not to mention his real-life girlfriend, Lily Collins. The flick almost looks like a mini-Jason Bourne movie, just with a hotter badass hero, you know?

What do you guys think – does Taylor Lautner stand a chance in Hollywood, or will this movie be a fluke if it’s even all that worthwhile?

Welp, she said she was going to do it, even though it’s probably cost her a job at Dancing With the Stars (the notoriously ‘family-friendly’ show that Sarah Palin wholly endorsed while her daughter Bristol danced): Karina Smirnoff has gone and posed nude for Playboy. Girlfriend, who’s best known for being super-hot, a wicked dancer, and former girlfriend of Mario Lopez, Karina hasn’t even yet attained the type of fame that Heidi Montag has, yet she’s already taking her clothes off.

I mean, crap – even Heidi didn’t spill all the beans on her body to Playboy, but that’s probably because I imagine that Heidi’s nether regions probably look like knotted, knobbly balls of sinew and plastic, all the color of rancid meat (sometimes? skin just doesn’t heal all that well after it’s been torn and stitched and cauterized so many times).

Well, hey.  Good for you, Karina, for doing what you want, but I expect that you’ll toddle off into obscurity on those crazy dancer’s feet pretty soon.  All in all, it’ll be alright – you’ll always have those Playboy pictures after all the sparkle and glitter has faded.

I know, it seems unusual for Gwyneth, doesn’t it?  I would have thought she’d be jamming to some shitty country music or … I don’t know, what’s the most pretentious genre of music?

Anyway, Jay-Z interviewed Gwyneth for whatever reason, and somehow she managed to make a conversation about Eazy-E and N.W.A. incredibly boring:

I first was exposed to hip-hop when I was about 16 (1988) by some boys who went to collegiate. The Beastie Boys were sort of the way in for us preppie kids. We were into Public Enemy, Run-DMC and LL Cool J. But then I went to LA the summer between my junior and senior year of high school and I discovered N.W.A which became my obsession. I was fascinated by lyrics as rhythm and how Dre had a such different cadence and perspective from say, Eazy-E, who I thought was one of the most ironic and brilliant voices hip-hop has ever had. It was an accident that I learned every word of Straight Outta Compton and to love something that a.) I had no real understanding of in terms of the culture that it was emanating from and b.) to love something that my parents literally could not grasp. But I was hooked. I can’t remember what I ate for dinner last night but I could sing to you every single word of N.W.A’s “Fuck Tha Police” or [Rob Base & DJ E-Z Rock's] “It Takes Two.” Go figure.

God, I would so gladly go even more in debt than I already am to see Gwyneth perform “Fuck Tha Police.” That was the first thought I had after reading that quote.  But then, later in the interview, Jay-Z asks Gwyneth the classic question “Biggie or Tupac?”  And Gwyneth answered with “Biggie by miles.”  So now she’s dead to me.

Nah, I’m just kidding, she didn’t wear a dead cat to a Lady Gaga concert.  She got escorted to a hospital for being unstable enough to kill a cat for fashion.  I think that’s better, don’t you?

Here are the details from Gawker:

According to police, Angelina Barnes drowned the cat, sliced open its belly, mutilated its eyes and removed its liver, which cops later found “in a makeup case on the counter.” An unidentified relative arrived home to find Barnes—who had “cover[ed] light switches with duct tape so she wouldn’t be able to turn on the light”—dressed in a “long coat” with “streaks of what turned out to be cat blood on her face.” This was, it seems, the outfit she planned on wearing to the Lady Gaga concert.

As you might expect, Barnes did not go to the Lady Gaga concert. She went instead to the hospital, “where she threatened a male nurse with a piece of glass”; she’s now “receiving treatment” at a local hospital.

Around these parts, we don’t really care for Lady Gaga, but even those of you who broke down in tears the first time you heard “Born This Way” can probably see that this definitely earns a spot on a list of the creepiest things ever associated with Lady Gaga (right between gross meat dresses and blood and semen perfume, if you’re curious).  People, listen, if you ever feel the need to mutilate a family pet so you can look super hot for your rock concert, please, take a moment of reflection. Then look at these pictures.  That’s all I ask.