Hey, so our boy Coolio went and got himself totally obliterated at a show he was supposed to be performing at this past weekend, and even though the photos are a pure win, one aspect of the evening was not: just judging by the pictures, he probably didn’t get laid that night by the blonde chick he was riding the whole time – even dudes with the word ‘cool’ branded in their names and psyches sometimes get too drunk to fuck, too.

Images courtesy of TMZ

This is probably the first Ke$ha-positive post I’ve ever written, and I’m about to give her the greatest compliment that I’ve given her in the site’s history: girlfriend is kind of, sort of, looking pretty hot in these pictures, which were taken on the streets of New York City, and not even under Photoshop’s lurid leer. Therefore? I am convinced there are malevolent forces at work today. So malevolent that the predicted apocalypse might actually be underfoot as we speak. What this means for Ke$ha, you ask? That I’m going to have to find this bitch, shave her head, and see if she’s got 666 tattooed somewhere on her scalp.

We have to start somewhere, you see.

Oopsie! You’ll never see a full-on view of Kim Kardashian‘s cooter wearing those things. Those … Spanx things. But let’s be honest and call them what they really are: they’re girdles, aren’t they. GIRDLES. I know that the term ‘girdle’ isn’t nearly as provocative and sexual as ‘Spanx,’ but a rose by any other name still smells as sweet, right? We’ll go with GIRDLE today.

I never really got the whole girdle thing, anyway. I mean, I know they’re designed to hold in any wobbly bits, and make you look less bouncy in a dress, but at the end of the night, when the girdle comes off, is it all BA-ROOOM IN YOUR FACE? And isn’t that kind of a surprise for everyone involved? Frankly speaking, Kim Kardashian’s a hot woman. And she’s a lot like my girl Jennifer Love Hewitt. I could give a crap less about how much your ass wiggles when you walk or if you’ve got cellulite or strech marks. Spanx have a funny name, and they look funny when your dress blows up. I’d rather see real women than real-sucked-in women any day of the week, and if that means subjecting myself to vadge and body parts au natural, I suppose there could be worse things to witness, you know?

Sources at In Touch say ‘fuck yes she is.’ Granted, In Touch is only a few baby steps away from having credibility like Star or The Enquirer, but hey. Maybe all of this positive thinking will kick girlfriend’s ass into gear and drop the dead unemployed weight known as Eric Johnson or, at the very least, sign a prenup if she does end up marrying this assclown.

According to close friends of Jess, she’s beginning to see the light and thinks, like a lot of others before her, that Johnson’s been using her for a free ride and a free ride all this time:

… Jessica recently requested a breather from her clingy beau.

“She told him to get lost for a few days,” the friend reveals. “They were spending every waking minute together, and Jessica had finally had enough.”

It was a classic case of too much togetherness, the friend explains.

“Jessica usually likes being with other people, so initially she loved that Eric didn’t have much going on.”

Eric was initially what Jessica needed after being dumped by Tony Romo in 2009. But lately, Jessica has grown tired of unemployed Eric’s constant presence, and she asked him to give her a few days alone so she could focus on something other than him.

“He was getting on her nerves… now she wants time away from Eric every month.”

Jessica is also growing weary of financially supporting the former NFL player, who hasn’t worked since 2008. Jessica recently bough Eric a car, but now she’s decided she’s the one who deserves a hot new set of wheels.

“She traded in her Range Rover for a $120,000 BMW X6M,” the friend says. And Jessica wants to make it clear to Eric that the luxurious car isn’t their family vehicle – it’s for her and her only (like a growing number of things lately).

So wait a second. Jess is just now realizing that being together with someone 24/7 isn’t the best thing for a relationship? After a marriage and a few long-term relationships, this idea is JUST DAWNING ON HER? What, is she eighteen or something? Jeez, Jess, get a clue. And promise me, when you get it, you’ll tell hubby to get a damned job, too. This could be a two-fer here, you guys, and amazing things just might happen.

Author Bret Easton throws Glee and HIV under the bus simultaneously. [The Superficial]

Were these celebrities hotter before they went under the knife? In most cases, yes. [Bossip]

Gwyneth Paltrow hates her family. [Lainey Gossip]

Katherine Heigl‘s marriage is going down in flames. [Cele|Bitchy]

Reese Witherspoon calls sex with Robert Pattinson ‘disgusting.’ [ICYDK]

Marquita Pring wants you to call her ‘curvy,’ not ‘plus-sized.’ Potato, potato. [The Frisky]

Photos of Scream stars way before they were famous. [Celebuzz]

David Arquette is sad that Disney World doesn’t get Courteney Cox off. [Yeeeah]

Eva Longoria claims she can cook, wrote a book about it. [IDLYITW]

Rihanna‘s really feeling the red these days, isn’t she? [I'm Not Obsessed]

Kimora Lee loses 25 pounds, claims that she didn’t starve herself to do it. [Amy Grindhouse]

See this magazine cover? Little Gwynnie hates it. She claims that she’s got, or had, body issues, and her ‘bony top’ and ‘dumpy bottom’ are what keep her up at night, chewing her perfectly-manicured nails and twiddling her surgically-enhanced thumbs (I’m kidding. I don’t know for sure that she gets her nails manicured professionally).

Gwyn states that she works out for an hour and a half every day, and if she doesn’t feel like working out on vacation, guys? She just DOESN’T DO IT. I’m gonna be honest, though – I’m really skeptical about those who do work out during their vacations, anyway, so that’s a plus-one for Paltrow. I mean, the last thing I want to be doing is working out on vacation. I’d rather much be waking up on the beach in a half-naked, hungover lump than sweating it out in the resort’s gym at 7 in the morning. I mean, fuck. Isn’t that what vacations are for? I have a hard enough time dragging my dead ass to my Zumba and Pilates classes three or four times a week, and those are only an HOUR LONG.

Anyway, even though Gwyn is totally hot and talented and everything, I totally don’t hate her for that. I just don’t like her much because she pretends to be all humble and meek when you just know that she’s not. But hey. I guess that’s just the nature of most beasts, huh?